Wise MNs- WWYD here- Advice over adult DD. Long-ish.

[BagWoman]

I posted about this a while ago but things have moved on, and I've name changed.

I am worried about DD and her relationship- or rather non-relationship- but do not want to be interferring or controlling but the dilemma is how much to say.

DD has/had a long term boyfriend- 2 years at uni and 2 years post uni. he dumped her after her finals ( she hadn't been enough 'fun') but came crawling back after 6 months. They lived separately in same uni city for a while then 4 months ago rented a house together, adding in one of his friends to help pay rent ( his idea not her.) It was a horrible house in grotty area, and she left a nice enough shared house to be there with him- all dictated by how much he could afford ( earns less.)

Now after 4 months he has dumped her for the same kind of reasons BUT added in others- which seem to amount to her holding him back with his career etc etc ( he's in a job but not a grad job.) and she's no fun etc etc- and they are too dependent one each other. It's all a bit weird and TBH he suffers from depression off and on- and seems depressed now. He seems to be blaming her for his inability to be happy- find a better job, have more direction, learn to drive ( at almost 25)

So.... she found a new house share. We were really supportive- I paid for her to come home twice and took her out for 2 (expensive) days out doing things to try to help her get over the break up. We are also paying a small amount towards her rent in this shared house because we wanted her to be able to move, break contact, and live in a better / safer area of the city.

He is still living in 'their' house with his friend and they are supposed to be paying her back for furniture she bought etc ( it was unfurnished.)

All seemed to be working out- she moved out last weekend. But then she told me she had been out to the pub etc with him at the weekend. I queried this- and she said they were still 'friends' and she's have to see how it al went.

I didn't say much but I am horrified. I feel all the support we gave was for nothing- and wonder where her self respect is. He pretty much assassinated her character when he wanted 'out'- now he's got that, he' s still wanting to see her but without the responsibility of living together.

She is worth so much more than this useless guy who pulls and pushes her according to his moods. I want to say 'Look , just make a clean break' but I know that as her mum she will resent this.

When they were on the verge of this recent split she phoned me to ask advice. I gave it. Now she isn't asking but still seeing him- and we are partly funding her new room which we did in order to help her move out asap once he had dumped her. It was never 'conditional' on her not seeing him, but I still feel annoyed.

Any ideas?

" I want to say 'Look , just make a clean break' but I know that as her mum she will resent this."

My own DM didn't like my uni boyfriend when I was that age. She chose to deal with it by making snide remarks, Catholic guilt-tripping (I'm an atheist), steaming open my post and generally being a PITA. Of course I went on the defensive and it all ended in tears. I'd like to think that if she'd been more up-front, sat me down and said 'I love you, I want the best for you, and after the way he's behaved, even though I know you like him, this boy is not right for you' ... I'd still had been peeved but would have at least respected her honesty.

In your shoes, therefore, I'd say what you really think. Just once. Then leave her to it.

Thanks but did all that!

The weekend after they split up ( and she still had to live in the house) I asked if she'd like to come home for the weekend, paid her fares and treated us to a spa day when we were able to chat.

I said pretty much all of that. As he had said horrible things about her ( her lack of friends [true]), her dependency on him [untrue]) her lack of fun [FFs she gets up at 5am for work half the week], I tried to boost her confidence by saying she was a very capable person, more so than he was in fact, and that she was lovely and worth so much more. I also said she ought to be angry with him for doing this to her again- not trying to fix him or work out why he was doing this to her. I also said it was best that he had told her what he thought now- rather than just finding another girl friend and ending it then.

I had no idea they would still be seeing each other once she had moved out.

It must be so so hard to see your daughter be treated badly, my dd is only 11 months old and i'm already dreading seeing her going through heartache!

Unfortunately she will only leave the relationship for good when she is good and ready, she probably knows it herself - i've been there a couple of times when you know its over but you just cant walk away yet!

My friends have been in situations like this and i feel like shaking them

You sound like you're a very good mum and i would say dont let it come between you, keep being there for her like you have been and she will wake up and realize one day that she doesnt want him in her life anymore, your strength and support will help her do it quicker but i think you're just gonna have to ride it out even though i can see why you are annoyed!

So you've said your bit. Then I think you need to give her her independence, even if that means she makes a mistake. However, you are going to have to tackle the subsidised rent issue at some point. It's clearly sticking in your throat that you're effectively paying for her to live in a way you don't approve.... and it needs to get quietly dropped, not immediately, but at some point in the future. Again it's about respecting independence.

If you have stated your position, then I think I'd leave it. She probably knows he's wrong for her, but I have found that friends often don't make the clean break in respect of relationships that I would go for myself, preferring the lingering on 'friendship' stage before inevitably someone gets too involved/stressed/it all goes wrong again.

Rest assured, it will go wrong, but it's important she doesn't feel you are against her, even if you don't like him that much, so I would bite your tongue for now (and as Cogito says, sort out the rental situation if it is bothering you).

Thanks.

I have an ex who pushed and pulled. I always hoped it might work and never did. I just got hurt time after time.
I have never said I don't like her guy- but I have said I feel sorry for him and suggested she mentioned counselling to him- he is so confused with his feelings and uses her as a scapegoat for his own misfortunes.

It would be a disaster for her to be with him as he'd walk every time life was stressful- and blame her for it all.

They have now had 2 stabs at living together- a shared house as students and now this- and each time he has done the same thing to her.

It#s cost us money- which we can afford- but nevertheless we have loaned her a lot to help with the deposit/ rent in advance for the move etc - all on the assumption that she needed to get ou of the unhappy shared house asap.

It feels like a slap in the face from her even though that is illogical and I don't mind helping her- it's just not what I thought was going to happen.

I see it must be frustrating seeing her with someone who seems to be making her unhappy. However you've said your piece.

I think you need to think seriously about what type of assistance you give her in future. The money, both on rent and on expensive days out seems to be something you are uncomfortable with. I think you maybe didn't mean there to be strings attached, but there were expectations there that you didn't make clear to her. Where money is concerned, you shouldn't give anything that you wouldn't write off cheerfully if things didn't go your way.

I may be projecting here a little. :) I would avoid accepting financial assistance from my parents in future, it wasn't good. You sometimes can't 'fix' things with money, or indeed 'fix' someone else's life at all. You can listen and offer advice if its asked for, but you can't make her take it.

Thanks Spirited.

The money was never 'conditional' but I take your point. It all happened so quickly- we and she were worried that he might leave their shared house first, and she would be lumbered with the rent/utility/ council tax if he didn't continue to pay until she could move. She looked at lots of shared houses and one came up which was more of a possible than the rest. It was slightly outside her budget- so we offered to help out a little.

Re. the days out- it was something I wanted to do anyway, but in my head I assumed that they would cut all contact once she had moved. What appeared to have happened is that there was a 5 week gap between him dumping her and her moving out.

During that time they got on 'really well' according to her.
Being cynical, then yes I can see that- he has got out of the relationship and has no commitments to her anymore- but he has someone to spend time with on a casual basis- maybe until someone else turns up- and she's daft enough to go along with this in the hope he may want her again.

Oh dear. I can totally see why you are frustrated. Unfortunately there is a limit to how many times you can do the 'Here's my view: he's not right for you' speech - have had this with friends who then get back with Mr Wrong after months of crying to you, you giving up weekends to comfort them etc. After a point you have to draw a line where you don't talk about it because otherwise you end up just repeating yourself. Much harder to do with your DD, but maybe it is now a case of 'Look, I've said what I think, and now you have to choose for yourself' but without having to deny your own feelings on the matter. She will be aware, and she may mull it over and it may sink in. I would also be thinking carefully about future offers of financial help - mean as that may seem - as otherwise he is playing all of you; knowing he can expect you to step in and pick up the pieces and then feel free to toy with her feelings again now she's someone else's responsibility, as it were.

What other female friends does she have, and how have they been reacting to all this?

I know I have to be careful not to say too much. My own mum condemned a boyfriend of mine after he dumped me- and I went on seeing him for years- without her knowing. he still dumped me in the end :)

I feel privileged that DD has shared and want to keep it that way.

She has few female friends which is part of the issue- she relied on him a lot, though having said that she is quite happy with her own company- she's quite introverted in some ways.

Her closest friend agrees with most of what I said- DD told me that- but she is also newly married. I think she wishes that DD could be settled too- and in some ways might be encouraging reconciliation etc just to see DD 'happy'- not sure - haven't asked DD eyt for friend's latest opinion.