Super fastidious DP getting on my nerves, how to resolve creatively without blame?

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

What do you do when one of you is so much more fastidious and house-proud than the other, in my case DP?

I'm no slattern, by any stretch of the imagination (washing up always done after each meal, surfaced wiped, bathroom is nice, toys and stuff tidied neatly away throughout the day, laundry always fresh blah blah blah) but DP just takes the biscuit. He is constantly "ahead" with the housework and feels hard done by because of it (and I feel unfairly blamed, and secretly judge him for being pernickity). However, paradoxically, I have certain standards, which he completely disregards and says are ridiculous, such as actually washing cutlery carefully and individually and then rinsing it before draining, and at least TRYING not to spill on the table cloth (DD, 2.10, manages perfectly well)...

I have tried to suggest that he needs to take responsibility for his own expectations and high standards, but he just feels I'm being unsupportive and can't see why I might prioritise other things. He is constantly dust-busting and wiping skirting boards and window sills, sweeping, mopping and hoovering and cleaning the fridge. It's like he can't switch off.

I read with interest on another thread that one poster attributed her fastidiousness to having grown up in a home of deprivation and neglect, and this certainly applies to DP too. When I think about it, this is the only thing we row about, and it would be so nice to be able to resolve it creatively and intelligently, but I feel totally stuck!

I feel as if I up my game and try to match his efforts, I am conceding that he is right and that all this house work, which I feel could be done much less frequently (try once a week instead of every other day) is actually necessary, or that I'm giving in to what I perceive to be his unreasonalble expectation just to keep him happy. I do of course want him to be happy, but not to feel manipulated into making it so. Do I make sense?

Any ideas? What are people implementing in their relationships? Or should I just count myself lucky to have a tidy man, and roll up my sleeves an get stuck in?

I don't think you need creativity or intelligence here, just a line in the sand and dire warnings what happens if he crosses it. I would say ... 'be as tidy as you like but don't make yourself out to be a martyr and don't judge or crticise me for not matching up to your standards'.

It is unacceptable to be made to feel inferior in your own home. It isn't being 'unsupportive' to refuse to join in with this cleaning obsession.... it is being 'assertive'.

No... you are not lucky.

Thank you for your response.

I don't feel particularly lucky, it gets in the way of having a nice time. We have had a hard look at what is actually necessary and at what frequency for the smooth running of our home, and agreed that he will do whatever he feels compelled to do on top of our agreed list with good cheer and preferably without mentioning it. So far so good. It's as if the "not mentioning it" bit has taken the wind out of his sails, and he hasn't done anywhere near as much as he usually does over the last few days.

He's a little boy scout wanting recognition for his good deeds... I suggest you chuck him a bob every time he manages to preserve his family's health by thoroughly cleaning cutlery and tell him to be true to his vow of silence dib dib dib dob dob dob off if he comes crowing to you about any other jobs he performs over and above his allotted chores

the key is to always say 'I FEEL' rather than 'you make me feel' or 'you' this that and the other....

if you start with 'you', you're already putting him on the defensive for an attack. If you start with 'I' it's a lot more disarming.

btw, this would drive me insane. I have never been out with anyone tidy or clean or anyone who does chores for that matter so I can't actually imagine how annoying it would be but I can believe it....

You haven't been out with anyone who 'does chores' or who doesn't undertake the task of cleaning sprucing themselves up before embarking on a date with you, rotten?

What dating pool are you fishing in? The one underneath the railway arches by the dumpsters?

That's interesting - so it's the attention he wants - not just being allowed to indulge his fastidious ways

lolol izzy, that made me chuckle! I KNOW. I tell you, the men I seem to attract are ones who have been spoilt by their mothers and never lift a finger fgs!

Needless to say I am training my son to be far better :)

OP, are you me??? Honestly, I hear so much about slobs who won't lift a finger while their OH's whizz around frantically with the vacuum, but I'd love it if my DH said 'sod the house, let's go out' once in a while. But nope, he's always on about 'must do something about the muddles building up in this place' (complete with reproachful stare), rearranging the dishwasher after I've loaded it to get an extra couple of spoons and a coffee mug in (I call it crockery origami), and starting jobs at 10.30 pm because 'I just can't leave the kitchen/study/insert name of living space here in this state' ('this state' meaning 'not like a show home'). Naturally I blame MIL, one of those women behind whom physical objects seem to slink guiltily back into their allotted places of their own accord.