Huge crush - what do I have to do to get through my thick skull?

[currentlyconfuseddotcom]

I've just been through an abusive long term relationship and would really like to get back on track, where I can take care of myself properly again.

I've met someone and he seems wonderful, but he's much older than me and I don't know if he's married. He doesn't wear a ring. But he can be dismissive. He's not being inappropriately manipulative, I'm doing that myself. There is hope, isn't there?

Not once a doormat always a doormat.

Sorry that you've been in an abusive relationship in the past.
It's good to hear that you can at least spot that he is dismissive.
This would be a red flag for me. Being dismissive shows a lack of respect for another person indicating that he doesn't care what your opinion is. It's a most unpleasant trait.
I would step very carefully here, he may well see you as doormat material.

He's ok, it's certainly not at that stage where I would cry if I never saw him again. He can be very nice. We met professionally and I wouldn't be damaging myself if we took it further, he would.

I wouldn't want to damage him either so I'm a bit surprised this has happened.

What do you mean 'dismissive'... to you or other people around him?

Not exactly dismissive to me or the people around him...just he hasn't got as good a memory as me and he wouldn't remember things which were important to people, if that makes sense?

Jeez... I do that all the time :) I don't know how old 'much older' is but - at the ripe old age of 48 (ouch) - I find that I have enough to remember for myself and simply CBA with the trivia of other people's lives. As long as he remembers the things that are important to you I'd have thought that's all that matters.

He's older than you!! :)

I'm so out of tune with this all though - it's very confusing.

What are we really talking about here? Dating? Companionship? A fling? When you said 'taking it further' what does that actually mean and why would he be damaging himself in the process? Why don't you know if he's married?.... So many questions, sorry.

Bottom line is that if you're not sure about someone, there's no obligation to keep seeing them. But is there any element of you building this up into something it isn't?

Not sure what you're asking here, or indeed what's happened at all.

Find out if this bloke is married or in a relationship and if he is, don't go there. Don't collude in the abuse of another woman.

If he's single, just see how it goes. Not remembering things that are important to people is a red flag in my book, because it implies self-absorption and if people only remember things when there's a pay-off involved for them, that's quite mercenary and selfish. It's back to that old rationalisation about it never being enough for someone to be a good partner, he has to be a good person first and foremost.

No no badinage, that part is fine, if I found out he was taken then I wouldn't have a crush anymore. Or just a micro one.

I'm not quite sure myself what I was asking, just that it's ok to have a huge crush, isn't it? He was different today to how he's been previously, that was nice, though I prefer him when he's masterful and commanding :)

Masterful and commanding?

You haven't been reading that Fifty Shades pile of shite have you?

Ooh laydee, allow me my little ways.

No I haven't read it, alas it doesn't appeal. I love my early Jilly Cooper though, all the tippex and excitement :)

No he does sound great when he's more commanding even if he does squeak when I don't do what he says. I'm not sharing him. So there. You can part share me though :) (ok so maybe that doesn't have the same appeal...I have a spare bottle of tippex?)

I'll have a pint of what ever you're on, love. You seem to be having a great old time there....

Don't go there. Have some time by yourself. Use some of that time to reflect on why you tolerated an abusive relationship.