How to confront my cheating husband now I have collected evidence?

[unknownfuture]

I posted a couple of weeks ago as had read texts that confirmed my suspicions that my H was having an affair. Thanks to some great advice on here I managed to get screen shots emailed to me of the incriminating texts and have now seen a solicitor so I know my rights regarding childcare etc.

I am certain I want to divorce. My husband is working away all week and so Saturday is going to be when I have the conversation.

How should I handle this? Do I ask him if he is cheating first and see what he reveals or should I simply lay all my cards on the table and say I know you are cheating as I have this evidence? What he says is a little immaterial as I cannot see any other excuse for the texts.

He is not physically abusive but can be quite emotionally abusive towards me and I am frightened that he will somehow manage to wriggle out of it and persuade me to stay when I really don't want to.

Hence coming here for advice as to how to handle The Talk

Bollocks

I don't think having an affair necessarily means there is no love. Neither do I think everyone has an affair because of the appeal of something different or lacking, as regards the relationship at least. In life generally? Yes, maybe. People are more vulnerable to ego-strokes at certain times of their lives, or have characters that can't cope without constant validation from others.

But really, it doesn't matter whether this bloke loves the OP. What matters are her feelings towards him - and she wants to divorce a man she considers abusive. Game over, then.

Morethan are you for real?

Cheating spouses don't need excuses made about missing something at home.

Utter tosh. Op please don't listen to that utter cods wallop.

Maybe having an affair does not necessarily mean that someone does not love something about their OH. Maybe they love their partners shepherds pie, maybe they love that shes a great mother, maybe they love having sex with them but I think that if they put their dick in another woman they cannot truly love and value their marriage and that, for me, would be an end to it.

Love is a verb isn't it? A 'doing' word.

I agree that when someone's having an affair or about to have one, they are not 'doing' enough to keep the love going - or coming, for that matter. In some cases that's temporary; in some cases it's been the story of the relationship and the affair is just another example of not 'doing' enough.

Maybe we need to challenge this romantic view that love is a static state that once felt, never changes. Real-life experience just doesn't support that notion, does it? Most rational folk accept that love dies if it's not 'done'.

Thanks for the replies.

FWIW I am 99.99% convinced by the texts. Examples include a red heart on valentines day, "I'm in the bath but something's missing ...!x". "Happy first KA x" (which later on turned out to mean happy first kiss anniversary), "night night you x" nearly every night, Her:"Do you want some looking after?" him: "yes please", her:"well you need to make yourself available"

Yes he probably is getting something he's not at home. We don't have sex often. It's hard to get naked in front of someone who constantly tells you that you are too fat, not toned, have bad breath, eat too much etc (especially when you are actually an ok size 10).

But that is by the by. I actually warned him before Christmas (in a generalised way) that I would never stand for adultery as I suspected something then, and he has continued.

I will never trust him again, hate him, probably still love him, actually feel sorry for him as he has had the chance of a great family life and thrown it away but will probably end up as a bitter and loneyl old man.

This thread isn't should I go.

I'm definitely going.

Just need to know how as I never thought I would need to leave

In that case you need to find somewhere to rent for the short term with your daughter. Get the practicalities sorted out. I would rent for a little while, until the dust has settled and you're emotionally fit and well again and then buy.
See a solicitor and go for everything you can. Not to be greedy but for you and your daughter's well being.

I'm sorry that he's put you in this position unknown.

Can you afford to leave for a rental property this week?

I didn't mean to cause offence I was relating what I had heard from people I know.
Under no circumstance was I condoning his behaviour and you wouldn't see me for dust.
I was merely relaying that his behaviour could turn out bad and the OP should be prepared for this by making sure everything is in place, and from experience of friends the offender still loved their spouse/partner, they just hoped/presumed they would not get caught. They also said they had no intention of leaving their partner for the affair.
Sorry if I upset anyone.

You must must must take your fair share of the assets. This will enable clean 'closure' (horrible word but it is really, really important). You will both then be able to move on without judgement or resentment or guilt on either side.

If you don't, you may regret it in 1, 5 or 10 year's time - or even next month.

I trusted my ex to agree finances fairly - he made me sign a stupid piece of paper saying he would pay child maintenance etc. This was a huge mistake. He cleared out our joint bank account and then refused to pay anything for the 2 large mortgages or child support. The distress this has caused to both myself and the children is immense.

If he had been fair then the whole divorce would have been so much more amicable (or rather less poisonous) and the children would not have been affected.

Even with the best intentions, divorce is horrible and can very easily go terribly wrong. So wherever and whenever you can, be totally fair but not a pushover or greedy. Then you'll both handle things better (hopefully).

Most people are saying the same thing then OP.

Make sure you and your daughter's future is secure and make sure it would be a tremendous hassle to go back on those arrangements, thereby reducing the risk of him weaselling his way back in.

The affair is piffling compared to the abuse. It's just another flavour of it and absolutely standard fare in emotionally abusive relationships. If it took this to get you out of the marriage, this woman's done you a favour.

Morethan, I don't think you've offended anyone, you've simply put your point of view across and that's fine. Just from my personal opinion, I don't see how someone can be intimate with someone else and claim to still love their wife/husband, but that's just me.

OP, my ex husband was the same. I don't think he was unfaithful but he constantly put me down, told me I was bigger than he wanted (even joined me in a health club), made me believe I couldn't manage on my own, wanted me to get a job, didn't want me to do the job I got, belittled me, the list goes on ... And I genuinely believed, for 16 years, that he was right. I finally got to a point where I'd had enough and left and I have never looked back. I said earlier that I would want to see him squirm but after your last post, where you said that it has been ongoing, I would leave the evidence on the table, leave the house with you daughter and not look back. You are fortunate that you have your finances etc in order and that you can manage on your own. I had to start again from scratch but I don't regret it for a minute as I have realised that I am not the person he made me believe I was and there is no better feeling than that. Good luck.

'If it took this to get you out of the marriage, this woman's done you a favour'.

Absolutely!

Please copy everything. IME anyone taking less than half regrets it later.

Also, please please do not underestimate the effect he may just have if he collapses, promises the earth etc etc. Bullies often do, and it may cause you to change your decision.

Also. nearly every person in his position minimises, ie they didn't actually sleep together, it was a fantasy, it only lasted er ... How little time he thinks you will believe.

I think you have done very well to make the link to his general behaviour. It is the way more often than not that the affair is just the top of a shitty iceberg- some of us spent months working that out after discovering the infidelity.

Also, do copy everything, regardless, as you may feel differently in a while, especially if he takes the news badly.

Good if he does, by the way, as his anger at losing control will come out sooner or later.

Morethan There's different definitions of love. Maybe he still likes her company, enjoys the life they have together or has warm fussy feelings when he thinks of her. But I wouldn't really call that love on its own.

Love is respecting who a person is and wanting the best for them, and hoping that involves you. Really caring about someone else. You don't cheat on someone when you care about them. You don't emotionally abuse them. You don't insult them, and lie and distort reality in order to do so (calling someone who is a size 10 'fat' for instance, so they feel not only unattractive but also that they can't trust their own judgement, or the evidence of scales and mirror). You don't control someone you love.

Love isn't what he feels, if anything, its maybe obsession.

So glad you are leaving unknownfuture, others have given you practical advice about how to leave. If you do decide to have a last conversation, do it when all your stuff is at the new flat, your tenancy agreement is signed, any joint accounts secured. Do it with a friend present (and tell them that you want to leave, and for them to prompt you if you get sidetracked). 'I know about X and I won't put up with the abuse any longer'. Then leave. But a note would do and means you won't have any backchat!

Just chiming in with Good Luck and definitely don't sell yourself short, asset-wise. This FW doesn't deserve kindness or a quiet life. Besides which, you have no idea how he's going to take this, but it's a raster EAer twunt who doesn't try to screw his wife over for having the temerity to no put up with his shit: you HAVE to assume he'll be typical in this regard.

Don't think you should show him your evidence. Yet. Hold onto that as insurance for if things get unpleasant during the divorce. In the meantime, leaving him guessing how you know will put on the back foot which is where he deserves to be.

YY also to the 'fait accompli' method.

And agree also that you're brilliant! Most-way there already: some people take ages to get to your emotional place. Snaps and kudos.

Rare, not raster! Damned phone...

Spirited

I thought this after seeing the OPs post about how he puts her down and other abuse. My original post was before this.

OP he doesn't deserve anybody nice like you, behaving as he does.
I think you are very brave and exceptionally strong and size 10 is what many of us dream of.

Badinage, love is also an abstract noun.

I see it a thing that is real but you can't really put your hands around it.

Although I'm sure that the OP would like to put her hands around her h's neck.

Sorry for the odd post. Feeling a bit odd at the moment.

Best of luck to the OP.

I don't really want to rent. Kind of want to be in my own house asap and it does seem wasted money. Can I get a mortgage on my own when already named on a joint small mortgage?

I could go to my parents but can I really just go and leave a note saying dd and I are staying there? He would go spare as he hates them, especially my mum.

He's away mon - fri for next 6 wks but kind of wanted to sort it this weekend. I could wait though. It's killing me acting normal though especially as he's currently on a nice phase. I feel real underhand and devious and even guilty that I'm going to whip the carpet from under his feet

Hold on - he's the one who has been underhand, devious etc. And he is the one who has whipped the carpet out from under your feet. Play his game, take the next few weeks to gather the paperwork you need, get legal advice, and plan a proper exit strategy.

So what if he hates your parents. They probably won't be his biggest fans once you tell them.

It's far from wasted money if it buys you the space and time away from him.

OP, I do understand your predicament but you shouldn't feel guilty, you are not the one who has caused this situation. It doesn't matter that he hates your mum, so what?! He probably wouldn't like anyone you lodged with because he would probably see it as taking sides (which is ludicrous).

It shouldn't be a problem for you to get your own mortgage as long as the financials are in order. Would it be possible to stay where you are, seeing as he's away during the week for the next 6 weeks and try to get your mortgage/house purchase pushed through extra quick? Then try to either be out of the house as much as possible during the weekends or stay with family/friends? I know it's not ideal but it would save on rent and it would just be you and your daughter during the week. I assume he will want access to your daughter, the weekends could be a time for that and it would then only be you that needed accommodation during that time.

Reported.