tough times

[cookingal]

I haven't ever written a thread before but have nobody to talk about this to: Husband and I don't argue often and day to day everything seems 'fine'. We were having marriage problems - drifting away I suppose (coupled with erectile problems so physically frustrating for us both) but we recognised this, talked about it and tried to to work it through; we have been married a long time. Not particularly easy but then I was diagnosed with cancer. This brought us together though sex was out of the question due to treatment and pain - he cared and supported me all the way..... Checking for routine boring stuff, I accidentally found condoms in his bag and he told me everything - he met somebody in a bar, swapped phone numbers, few lunches then she suggested he called in at her house - he did. It didn't go on for long but it began through my treatment. It is over - Once I calmed down sufficiently to drive, I insisted he arranged to meet her without mentioning me... I wanted to humiliate them, I wanted her to see me (I'm not bad!), know I wasn't sat at home waiting for my husband and most of all to hear her finish it...
He is very sorry... we are talking about problems underlining this, he is mortified at his own stupidity and timing and I can't get it out of my head. He answered all my questions and I have the images in my head. I have no fear over 'her' - met her and she doesn't match up to me a fraction; other than giving him sex on a plate... but he could perform with her... this hurts... Also this isn't the 'first' - several yrs ago I discovered that he took a work colleague for afterwork drinks. They kissed, she wanted to take it to a 'relationship' stage and he said no. I was mad when i found out but we brushed it away rather than really sort it out - big mistake...
Strangely, I do love him but hate his actions... I feel sick, can't sleep, can't stop shaking and have nothing left to give my kids. I need to write this to get it off my chest... I don't want to talk to friends and family but I do need to stop my self-tourture... images in my head, obsessive thinking....

Tell him to leave to give you space to think about whether you even want to try again with your adulterous husband

You may find the intrusive images less so, if you don't have to look at his stupid face over the cornflakes every morning

Agree with AF. It's good that he's mortified but I think he should go and do it elsewhere for a while. One affair is a mistake. Two is a habit. For all you know, there could be others in between and the 'ED' problem has a very rational reason behind it. Interesting that all his women (according to him) are so anxious to take the lead ... 'she suggested he called', 'she wanted to take it to the relationship stage'..... Normally that easily led is he?

And do reconsider telling someone IRL. Protecting him at the expense of torturing yourself is not a fair swap.

CES - you have a lot of valid points that I hadn't particularly connected... Luckily (yeah right!) I am being counseled for my recent cancer so am n touch with a professional but seeing my family GP this morning tipped me over the edge. I have had mu husband agree to see a therapist too - two is a habit and I realised that.. Funny, on the way home I realised that I was probably 'protecting' him but in reality it is the family as we live in a small village... I have found an sos helpline to call though as I so need to talk....

See there again... you got him to agree to see a therapist. That doesn't sound like something he voluntarily suggested. He's not taking responsibility and I don't think he's taking you seriously either. More reasons for him to be told to step out for a while and let you think.

If you live in a small village, people are going to be curious even if you change your car. But you are allowed to tell anyone unconnected to your family to mind their own business. Glad you've told your GP and you've found a helpline. You're the injured party here.... not him.

So you've put up with an unsatisfying sex life for years (I just bet he never got help for that) and he rewards you by having a second affair when you were battling cancer?

There are no words to describe the selfishness of this man.

According to him, both of these women were predatory and of course he's trying to put some of the responsibility for his behaviour on to them.

It shouldn't have mattered how keen other women were to have sex with him, he could and should have said 'no'.

He didn't. This is his responsibility and no-one else's.

Don't take any comfort or pride in thinking you're 'better' than the latest OW. He is not a prize in a competition that you've won.

I'd second asking him to leave so that you can focus on what you want and deserve from a life partner.

Thank you for your time to reply... These are all thoughts I've had but everything is such a muddle of emotion and logic. It helps to hear the raw truth of outside opinion... I'm not loosing my power of thought after all... It's up to me now to decide, we have been together nearly 28years and because of family and his career I haven't worked for nearly 20 years; it's frightening but the edge has been softened from blind rage and some logic is seeping in - I am the one who should be holding my head high and not feeling sorry, moping about the house. 5 weeks after finding out, it still feels like walking a nightmare.

Of course it must still be so raw and confusing. Which is why you need time away from your husband, because his self-pity (for it is that, not genuine contrition) will be tugging at your heart-strings and all your natural instincts to comfort the one you love and make it all right again.

But it's you who needs comfort - and not from the person who's caused the pain.

Just from what you've written, your husband isn't taking full responsibility for his affairs. He's managed to put all the onus on to the other women for causing his infidelity. I doubt he'd be blaming the men if you were peddling similar tales about 'having' to kiss and have sex with men who'd been pursuing you and I doubt you'd have the idiocy to even try to paint yourself as that weak-willed if you'd done similar.

Hopefully, you've realised now that he's given you a heavily edited version of events to make his culpability look less than it was, but if he's still sticking to this rubbish about acceding to no fewer than two women's demands, judge him on his admission of being weak and spineless.

He is a serial philanderer

There are just the two you know about, more likely than not

He is taking no responsibility for his selfishness at one of the most vulnerable times of your life. The crocodile tears are simply to get you to STFU and bring business back to usual

You would be a fool to let this go with no consequences for him

Very soon now he will be telling you that you've had enough time to get over it, and you are killing the relationship by not moving on

Mark my words