Feeling sad and unloved

[SillySooz]

Since DS was born 4 months ago my relationship with DH has changed (I know - that old chestnut)

We have had sex a few times, nearer the beginning in fact but mostly because I wanted to feel me again and back to normal, even though I hated my stomach (boobs OK due to milk being in them!)

But now, there's no affection, no hugs or kisses and I feel like we're drifting apart, I also feel like we're both aware of this and don't know what to do.

Want to say that DH is great, helps a lot, so not a LTB type, but I am upset that he doesn't seem to want to touch me anymore. I imagine he feels he can't win and rejected if it doesn't lead anywhere, so has given up. And well I just feel like my now saggy boobs and stomach and generally horrible body are repulsing him. I know he's looking at porn as well, so adds to my belief that I'm not what he desires. A shitty, sad situation all round.

We've been together a long, long time and had DS when we'd been together 7 years, I knew DCs could cause a strain but I feel like we can't even connect anymore, I want to I really do, maybe I've been too wrapped up. Am crying now - hate Mondays anyway.....

I know talking is key but I HATE, HATE, HATE it, either get really stupidly upset and cry or won't talk, find it so unbearably uncomfortable. OR bring it up when drunk, which never works.

How can I change this?

Hi! Sorry you're going through this! I had my son 6 week ago and so I can totally relate to how you feel about your body. What I try to think and it's what my dh says, that tummy you hate is where you grew your beautiful baby!
I'm similar in that I hate confrontation and so when I have problems or things I want to say to my husband I write it down and give it to him so that he can read what I think without my blubbering everywhere. This really helps me! Perhaps you could try it? Also try touching him a bit more, the odd arm stroke or hand hold, build the intimacy back.
Hope this helps? I'm sure more helpful people will come along shortly xxx

Hi sillysooz- running out the door but didn't want to read and run. Agree with what simba says above. You poor thing I'm sending you a big hug.
You said it yourself you need to talk to your dp, but if you find it difficult for now then try to just give him the hugs and caresses. If he asks what you're doing just say simply I miss you and want a cuddle....
You've just had a baby so you're emotions and hormones will still be all over the place for now- be kind to yourself. And congratulations on your new little baby

"I imagine he feels he can't win and rejected if it doesn't lead anywhere, so has given up."

When you say 'win' do you mean he feels short-changed if things don't lead to PIV sex?

You really have to have a very, very serious conversation about physical affection as a couple and why it's very important to maintain it... not just as a precursor to intercourse but in and of itself. You say you find it uncomfortable but, if you say nothing, he'll think everything is OK. Porn is a thorny subject. He may think he's using it as a legitimate way to relieve sexual tension and not 'bother' you for sex. He may have other reasons. But if the net effect is that you feel like second choice and he's become distant then you have to say it out loud and put a stop to the porn.

So pick your moment, don't cry and say what needs to be said as simply and directly as possible. You can't avoid this one.

Cogito I mean win as in if he gives me affection (i.e asks for a kiss in bed) I assume he wants more, so am a bit unwilling to do it. Mind you he hasn't even tried in a while. I imagine the porn is a vent and to not bother me but I think he feels as shit about it as I do.

Thanks Simba and Omri too, I can update a bit. Was planning to briefly chat to him about it nothing heavy but when he got home from woek I just decided to be 'breezy and chatty' and it seemed to work. We also had a kiss. Defo going to try harder. Didn't get 'working at a relationship' before but I guess once you have a child you have to, to keep it on the right track.

I felt very low in confidence after my dd was born - even though I didnt have much baby weight to lose, my tummy was soft and saggy. I found that buying a couple of lacey garments that I could wear on my top half made me feel a little more confident to do sexy stuff because my ugly bits were covered up. Also, as much physical contact as possible helps. I think most people tend to make a concious effort to grab sex wherever they can, but struggle to maintain the intimacy. Keeping the intimacy is key to feeling secure. Good luck x

How are you today sillysooz? Thinking of you. Know its a tough time.