Hand-holding please, husband has decided to move out...

[angel1976]

Hi, have posted several times in relationships about my DH. Long story short: he revealed on DS1's 5th birthday that he no longer loves me and wants out of our marriage. On further probing, he revealed he has had a 'spark' with someone at work and realises how much we don't love each other anymore. It's true we have had a stressful time of it in the last year and there were moments I hated him but I never thought I would leave and that this was just a blip in our coming up to 10-years-in-a-month marriage and in fact, things were starting to look up at the beginning of the year. So sex wasn't that frequent (we were tired etc but whatever, it doesn't matter now) but hey, I thought it was what couples went through. It's been 4 weeks since the big reveal and we have only been twice to the counsellor but he has told me tonight he just wants out. I have talked, I have raged, I have cried, I am tired... He is NOT prepared to put in the work to make us work. I just cannot carry this alone. I hate the idea of both my DSs having parents that are no longer together, in fact, they are the reason I was hoping to re-kindle our relationship but DH is not willing.

After a big cry and talking briefly about finances, I am now very calm. I feel like I have done the grieving for the relationship/marriage I thought I had. I look at him and to be honest, I cannot imagine I will ever love him again after the stunt he just pulled on me and showing how selfish he truly is. I am so fucking glad he hasn't pulled this shit on me when I am 50 (I am 36) and have given my life to him and my family. I feel sick to the stomach when he is around. My boys and I will be okay. At least we are both agreed we will do whatever we can to make this as good as we can (given the circumstances) for the boys and they remain our top priority. Is it weird that I am calmly looking at flats/houses for him to move out to because I don't want my DSs to be living in a shithole part of their lives and also I want it to be within walking distance from their school and our family home? I sound too calm don't I? I feel like I have kicked into 'protect my boys at all cost' mode. I love them so much and it fucking breaks my heart that their father is doing this to them. On the plus side, DH has never been a hands-on father, in fact, I think him having them on his own will kick him into gear as a father, sad as it may be...

I have a lot of support around me. Thank goodness. My family lives on the other side of the world but they have pledged they will support me regardless of what happens. I have sent an email to my brother. We will be spending the summer holiday with them and hopefully those plans will stay so the boys will have a fantastic summer to remember despite their lives being about to implode. My in-laws (who are understandably aghast at their son's behaviour) have been fantastic too. I am very lucky in so many ways. But I feel like shit right now. I wish I had chosen a better father for my children, one who will not decide on one turn of the head at some woman in 'work' mode that his marriage is not worth working on. But I cannot change that. All I can do now is to try and shield my boys as much as possible from the repercussions of my 'D'H.

Please hold my hand. I am strong and I will get through this but tonight has been tough as all my dreams of a happy marriage and family is over.

I second individual counselling.

Not a great fan of joint counselling. What is the point ? You either rehash the same old crap or tell the same lies you have always told. It takes a very skilful counsellor to unravel that.

AnyFucker I agree though I do think couple counselling is a hard one for any counsellor to crack and then if you are faced with someone like my DH (who never intended to make any change or effort), what the hell do you do right???? I do like my therapist, I can see where she was going with some of the questions she was asking but no one at this stage can get through to twunt DH.

Indeed.

Couples counselling will only work if both partners are equally invested. A complete waste of time if one partner is not cooperating.

Angel: Another thing to consider might be that your relative calmness now your body and your subconscious recognising that, actually, you're well shot of him. If he's been selfish and lazy for a long time, life will actually be more pleasant without him around, once the first shock is over.

Yes SGB, I hear you. My DCs love their dad of course but they are more used to him NOT being around than around. I have thought that him being a lone parent might actually make him step up a bit more but it's all a bit sad if it all comes down to that right? I know that him living here or not marks a big fundamental change and also the boys having a new home to are BIG changes but ultimately 95% of their day-to-day life will remain unchanged. We are at the moment committed to doing our best for them, which means school, routine etc will remain unchanged while we cross uncharted territories but I admit some part of me is relieved that I no longer feel sick to the stomach wondering what selfish stunt the twit will come up with next. I am so so DONE with him. But a part of me will grieve for the DH I thought I had and the happy ending we all want regardless.

Yes, you see women say repeatedly on here and in RL "I don't know why I put up with it for so long. Ultimately he did me a favour, because I'm much happier now" and those who go on to make partnerships with better men cannot believe the contrast with their former lives. It's so encouraging that you're seeing this latest turn of events as part of a pattern of selfish, entitled behaviour, Angel. This didn't happen out of the blue and IMO, it never does. It's a really good lesson to take into future relationships that there is a link between laziness and selfishness - and infidelity.

If you've got a good rapport with your counsellor and faith in her, that's brilliant. As you say, no counsellor can force the truth out of someone, or engagement from someone who's got one foot out of the door. Looking on the positive side, maybe her searching questions made him realise that he couldn't continue the charade any longer.

How were things between you before he started working with this woman? Did he tell you he was unhappy before he met her? Had you even heard of her before he dropped this bombshell?

Bad I do admit when I thought we were going through a bad patch probably about a year ago, I did think 'Gosh, I wish you would bloody leave as you add nothing to this family except financially.' But of course, I never thought about properly leaving as it just wasn't the done thing and I thought my family/marriage was for life. DH has always been selfish, no doubt about it. Even his mum admits that and wonder if she and FIL did anything to perpetuate that. I do wonder why I never saw it before. When we first started going out, living together and got married. I suppose the selfishness in his behaviour didn't really show till he became a father and he withdrew more into work and its associated activities but had always been generous with his cash (which I suppose I took as generosity overall! How wrong was I?). Anyway, I am done with analysing... One of my friends said to me, "Stop thinking about what you did wrong. It's nothing you did, don't be stupid. He did this, not you."

No, he never told me he was unhappy. Which is why everyone is shocked that he has made the decision to leave so quickly after he told me he was unhappy. We met up with his best friend and family in January, we had a great day out with the children, having fun and planning our Christmas holiday in December. His best friend said to me he just cannot contemplate how he made that leap from happy families to leaving in under 2 months. I told him his head's been turned and that's all he's thinking about. As for OW, nope, never heard of her before the 'bombshell'. I will admit out marriage was under stress and I wasn't totally happy either but I figured the DCs are growing up, they will need less energy and input from us and then we can work on us but hey, never got the chance... That's a lesson learned there I suppose.

Your friend's right about it being pointless to analyse what you did wrong, because it very likely has got nothing to do with you personally.

What particular lesson learned were you referring to?