What makes an abuser an abuser?

[BoringTheBuilder]

My exH was EA and it took me many years to finally realise what he was doing. Even when he kicked me out of the relationship I still thought it was all my fault and it has taken me 7 years, one child and another marriage to even begin to realise that he has a problem, not me.
But now I wonder why people turn out like this and do their best to hurt people who really just care about them and just show them love and appreciation? Fair enough if they don't feel the same way, but why they insisting in hurting and humiliating their partners like a cat playing with a mouse?

grumblin, it's often said that abusers wait until they have their feet safely under the table before they really unleash the abuse. I do think there was an element of calculation in it, but with my ex, I also thing there was something more complex. When I had his child, we were more firmly enmeshed, and that made the projection thing happen more easily. The fact that I loved him was something that he simultaneously hungered for, couldn't really experience, and made him despise me.

Thank God we didn't have a child together even tough he wanted to rush me into it. However he did took me to the other side of the world (from a South America country where we are originally from to a Asia country where all the abuse happened). I wasn't encouraged to make friends and he wouldn't have nothing to do with the ones I made. I had to msn my family when he wasn't around. I actually had to beg him to have a computer at home. There was money control issues too even though I worked and had a good salary. Apparently he gave up on me because I didn't want a child when HE wanted. He is married with OW and they do have a child now. I wonder if she is going through everything I went through, since he moved her from the Asia country to South America....

He did say thoug that if we had a child he would never leave me...I can imagine the nightmare my life and the child's life would be...

That sounds really tough, Boring. Abusers are very good at isolating you from your support network. It is wonderful you don't have dcs with him. I think I'm pretty much over what my ex did to me, but the constant fear about how he will treat dd is hard to bear.

They have to isolate you. Other people are a threat to them. personally I think abusers gain a lot of benefits from being abusers. Its why they cling on so hard to their methods and why they arent willing to give them up lightly.
Just imagine having someone who adores you, will do anything to please you, even if you keep changing the goalposts to what those things are.
Someone who is there to wait on you hand and foot and that you dont have to consider or consult about anything you want. you just go ahead and do it.
Its in your best interests to maintain that, by whatever means you have to, be it fear,mind games,verbal abuse, control...
They dont love you. they just want to own you.......completely.

I would have probably have had a child with him and he kept the abuse low key and disguised. But once the papers were signed and I was on the other side of the world it escalated fast, pretty much from the time I stepped in the airport.

Is it right to say that abusers lack self esteem?

Exactly what meddie said.

When we moved my X went crazy, he had finally lost ALL control, that included his DC too as they decided they didn't want to see him again. He has a Girlfriend now so it's completely taken the pressure off us. She has Dc which have been removed from her care due to him, then their baby, I believe she is pregnant with another who will go down the same route, mine are now allowed 'no access' near him or a Child Protection Order will be taken out. Very plausible and nice on the surface. Pure evil underneath.

Mine lacked self esteem badly. Oh how he cried. It was a nightmare to live with tbh

Mine is overflowing with self-esteem. He thinks he is oh so super special. Deep, deep down in a place he won't acknowledge, there's a fear he might not be, but instead of dealing with it, he has to project it on to someone place.

Btw, I'm sure you've seen recommendations for the Lundy Bancroft book, Why does he do that? He goes a long way to answering the question in the title.

Nickname, mine did seem to have very strong self esteem too but than I wonder if he really had it? If really did have self esteem he wouldn't need to bring someone down to get the high.

Mine pretended to others he had high self esteem to point of being horribly arrogant. He could clear and room within 2 mins of his presence.

I need to buy that book I keep seeing it recommended, I have read The Dominator over and over again but I stayed with my STBX for too many years, I don't like reliving it all again and again, yet I somehow still do. I have PTSD so if I read about him or have a flashback when reading a book, I have to then dream about anything it brings back.

I think very often abuse comes from a place of extreme insecurity. A need to control usually springs from a feeling of not being in control - in normal people this might occur momentarily or in certain situations but generally we can recognise when it's ok to relax control - abusers are so insecure that they feel like they have to be in control all of the time, and can't cope with the idea of relenquishing control.

Also it can be the case that they've either grown up with or somewhere along the way in their life developed a belief that all relationships are a power struggle, parent/child, friend/friend, siblings, romantic relationships. So while you're trying to be fair and reasonable and believe the goal is to share the cake equally/half and half, he is trying to win the whole cake and is both offended and suspicious of your offering of half the cake.

I found the NPD threads a few years ago fascinating from the point of view of underlying thought processes etc. I won't ever know if my X had NPD but he certainly seemed to fit the criteria - This is particularly helpful. The basic premise is that a narcissist has such a low, empty, worthless image of themselves that they create an outwardly confident, arrogant, charming, happy, fun to be around persona in order to mask this and then live their entire life in utter dread that anyone would find out what they were really like.

I agree with BertieBotts on the insecurity and the need to win. Especially the latter. I'd also say that a lot of abusers and bullies in general are cowardly. They are not brave people or they would pick on people their own size, as it were. I don't think that necessarily equates to lack of self-esteem, however. I think, at some level, they must believe they are entitled to (pick one) respect/fear/adoration/obedience/success etc.... in order to go after it so ruthlessly.

'Need to win'. Oh yes. He was extremely competitive even on the smaller of the smallest things.

Badtasteflump - that sounds remarkably like a bloke I dated. He had been abused by his own father and I imagine his mother was also abused.

He had been, prior to being with me, with someone else for a really long time and was physically violent towards her, and she took him back over and over again - they seemed to have circular arguments.

I finished the relationship very quickly because he started to show signs of abusiveness, though he did not hit me - and he could NOT believe I was ending it, because he didn't think he'd done anything that bad. I didn't even know about his violence at that point.

I suppose he had seen his mother stay, he had been taught to 'respect' his abusive father, and his own partner stayed with him through years of abuse.

How I could up and walk away without even having been hit a few times was beyond his comprehension.

He went straight back to the one before me. And she wanted him back.

Are you Dating an Abuser

You might find this article interesting. It picks out some of the gentler aspects of an abusive personality that might be apparent Day 1. I think it's in a lot of us to behave badly if we so wish. I'm pretty sure that most people could pick any of the categories in that article and think of a time when we've been guilty of that kind of behaviour.... I certainly can :) But the difference between normal people and abusive types is that they aren't proud of the times they've had to pull a few dirty tricks to get their own way. In everyone's character therefore it's a question of degree and intent rather than anything more simplistic

Cognito I've read that before - unfortunately I didn't read it years ago when I needed it..

I always think it should be a compulsory part of the curriculum in high school.

Rooney lets not even go there

Probably plenty of men like that around though, sadly...

Oh I didn't mean to imply it was the same man...I'm sure you're right, there are an awful lot of them about sadly. Sorry you dated one too.

That's ok Rooney - I like to think he did me a favour and helped me appreciate when I went on to meet a 'keeper'

cogito that article was really interesting. I did indeed identify with some of the traits, it immediately brought out feelings of shame out in me that I sometimes act like that. Would you say true abusers who take it far down the line wouldn't feel ashamed? They would feel pride?

I know my abuser when I was a child certainly took pride in his actions. There was not an ounce of shame in him (I got all the shame). Even from a very young age (3-4 years) I understood it was a power thing with him. He was abusing me because he could, he enjoyed it and he was proud of himself for making me keep it a secret.

He grabbed me at a family dinner when I was 18, before I had disclosed and was obviously clearly anorexic (so very vulnerable) and asked me in a weird tone of voice 'What have you done to yourself?' He knew he'd undone me, I knew, he was proud of it.

In my case, ex was deeply insecure, with social anxiety, but this is because it was all about him. He would think that most people would notice him, and think badly of him. But why would anyone notice him in particular?

Also thought he was above the law, as manifested in not wearing a seat belt and often parking illegally.

Ultimately a coward, yes, despite his threats.

If he really did have self esteem he wouldn't need to bring someone down to get the high.

Absolutely. And yy (as always) to everything Bertie says.

I wish I could feel pity for exH and OW rather than anger. And the reason why I even mention her is because she pretended to be a supportive friend to me while shagging him behind my back. She deserves whatever comes for her and I wish she can make him suffer too. Not very nice from me I know, but I'm only human.