Don't know what the f*** I'm doing :-(

[Mosschops30]

It was all going so well, Dh agreed to a separation. We were gonna have the dcs alternate weekends, split house 50/50 and I would buy him out.

Then he text saying he loved me, didnt want to split etc etc.

I asked him to stay away, to give me time to think about what I wanted.
Then yesterday he announced that he didn't see why he should live at his parents and he was coming home.
I was livid, we had a row, then everyone out for the rugby, got home he tucked dcs in and left.

Then today he came over, we agreed that we will make a list of what we want from the marriage and if we can make it work, although he still won't admit any wrongdoing on his part. He has also been in touch with the most notorious divorce lawyer in the city and states he just 'found them on google'
He says the dcs are hurting so badly, I don't know what I'm doing, whether it's good they still see him every day or not.
Just feel so low, don't know what is the right decision, so scared of hurting the dcs

He sounds like an arrogant arse he really does...won't admit any wrongdoing indeed you should stick to your original plan. The dc will be fine.don't let him hold their happiness over your head..

"won't admit any wrongdoing" is a really bad indicator.

Well done for telling him that you need time to work out what you want. Stick with it.

So start your list with:
"I want the time to consider all this, with no pressure from you, andit takes as long as it takes"

Possibly followed by:
"The only sort of husband I want is one who accepts full responsibilities for his actions and choices, and is prepared to take the time and effort to fully consider the impact on his family"

I think you need far more time to come to a decision. Lists and things are alright if generally all is rosy in the garden. But if he won't take at least 50% of responsibility for your problems then you won't get anywhere trying to resolve them.

Your DCs need to maintain their relationship with their Dad but that doesn't mean you need to be with him too. Many families manage separation so that parents still maintain contact with their kids.

He says things like 'well yes I do that, but you do it too'. Everything I say has a retort:

You don't respect me - well you don't respect me
We don't have any intimacy - well you're not intimate with me

On and on and on

He keeps saying in hurting the dcs, ds1 is very sensitive but he seems ok to me, asks about Dh but I try to keep it positive and lighthearted

The more unsettled the DC are by coming / going / changing plans, the worse it will be for them.

Equally the more he drags them into the breakup of your relationship (as in you and him), the worse it will be for them, as they may end up feeling responsible.

He probably can't / won't see that.

Best thing is to try and keep the ship sailing a steady course towards your chosen destination.

"He says things like 'well yes I do that, but you do it too'. Everything I say has a retort"

Tell him that he's an adult and that if/when he had dissatisfactions he should have raised them as they occurred. Not play Top Trumps with retorts when you are explaining yours. There's a difference between airing an issue and then exploring both sides, and using retorts to end discussion.

That kind of arguing is so tiring I end up thinking 'is it me'?

Well, presuming he is now trying hard to get back together, but is unable to admit any of his failings, it doesn't bode well.
It doesn't sound as if he will make much effort to change.
He is making you feel guilty about the kids.
He's probably worried about being on his own, maybe being responsible for his own washing etc.
There's probably not a lot of hope for the marriage that you want.

It isn't you

You are being railroaded by a man who admits no wrongdoing

Your marriage has no chance, I am afraid. Unless you turn yourself into a Stepford Wife of course, and completely stop having any expectations on your own account.

I don't know what you are doing either. Your momentum has been lost, because you are still listening to this man and reacting to his manipulations instead of being proactive.

Do you love him? More importantly, do you think this relationship is going to work?

Deep down you must know the answer. It's your marriage, your kids and your life. Only you can know whether this marriage is what you want and what you deserve.

My parents spent 10 years of their life trying to stay together (trying to make things work.. in denial that their relationship was over, they never could respect each other's point of view).. i just wish they had got divorced and be done with it.

If it's over, it's over. You won't be able to get over this relationship if you're leaving the door open for him. Be brave, make a decision and stick to it!

Thanks plinky a few people have said similar.

I'm finding him more manipulative as it goes on, he's telling me things like women don't get more out of a house split, solicitor says that's nonsense.

anyfucker so glad ur here, I need a bloody good slap, need to know my dcs will be fine, that I won't die a horrible lonely death and that I'm making the right decision for everyone

And another thing, I've spent my whole marriage being told I'm hard work, demanding, high maintenance etc.
I'm not perfect, but neither is he, can't help feeling I've gone with that label and taken it on

I don't know what your thinking, Is it 1. Thats great I just want things to work so we have a great life together, OR 2. He's messing me about and I was looking forward to having my home to myself?
If he is really serious about doing what he can to get back together I would want to go through with making the house mine then the control is back with you . I couldn't bear to have him in and out at all times. Stop a minute and think what you want -- and go for it.xxxxx

wow....high maintenance!?

He's labelled you so you internalize what you've been told & stop doing whatever it was that caused him to call you that (I'll bet it was things like speaking up, saying what you wanted, having a different opinion etc).

Well done for getting this far.

You just need to cut that last tie...sounds like you'll feel a lot better about yourself without the git. And do not worry about your DCs happiness, that's just a card he's playing, not a reality. But if you stay in a limbo with him they might be affected.

Hope you're ok anyway. It sounds like you know what you need to do & that it's BS but are just a little scared of the leap.

We're here to hold your hand while you jump though

Stop listening to him. You are like a sponge for his own insecurities. While you internalise and believe everything he says, he will keep your wings clipped.

This man has nothing of any value that you need to hear.

What she ^ said

"Your momentum has been lost, because you are still listening to this man and reacting to his manipulations instead of being proactive."

This is a great line that stayed with me all day yesterday (helping me!) - on a day I lost my momentum but vowed to stop reacting and get pro active.

Glad it struck a chord with someone

Thanks all, lots of kick up the ass advice
He emailed me a long letter yesterday which upset me a bit. I wish I could wake up in a years time and everything to be sorted, I'm finding it hard to face all the shit that's coming

I find it helped me to keep taking my thoughts back to what I wanted to achieve and try and take him out of my waking thoughts. It is hard but the future may be much easier than you are dreading and today you are wasting time that is yours to live on thinking about what may not actually happen. Hard is a good word, although its impossible to predict try to live with what you know now, get legal support to allow you the strength to know just because he says it doesn't mean that its true. Stay strong and stay focused on your good future.xx