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Original poster

He dated other women in our first 6 months :( male opinions needed particularly

52 replies

idontunderstandmen · 17/03/2013 21:07

Hi everyone. So I am in a happy relationship, well fairly happy, I feel very in love and I feel he loves me, things are moving along nicely and we are considering moving in together. We have been together 1.5 years and we met on internet dating. However I have always had a bit of a suspicion that my boyfriend was seeing other women early on in our relationship, I checked his facebook last summer and saw messages which suggested that was the case. I confronted him and he said they were old exes, and friends of his ex and he hadnt been cheating on me. He apologised for flirting and deleted the person in particular he had been flirting with.

Just today I was on his laptop and thought I'd have a nose at his photos. I was surpised to see photos of lots of women from the internet, and internet conversations that he had photographed, arranging to meet up for drinks. When I looked at the dates I saw they were within the first 6 months of our relationship. I confronted him about this and he said that he hadnt felt sure of our relationship until we went on holiday together (at about 6 months in) and that he had been on some dates but not slept with any women. I feel very hurt because I was faithful to him after about a month of meeting him, I did go on a few dates after meeting him but was very honest to him about this. I feel he has lied to me when I confronted him first about this (he says he didnt tell me because "thats not what you tell people you go out with"). I understand that we werent in love at that time, we hadnt met each others families, but I still feel hurt and like he was disrespectful to me. He says that he hasnt seen any other women since that first holiday when he realised that he loved me and I do believe him. Am I a fool or is this normal male behaviour?

If it makes any difference, I am 29, had recently come out of a 6 year relationship when I first met him, he is 40 and had been single-ish for a few years (ie a couple of 6-1yr relationships but probably seeing loads of people at the same time). I was probably a bit naive of the real world, particularly the internet dating world :(

OP posts:
Original poster
idontunderstandmen · 20/03/2013 14:35

Thanks for the posts, interesting. He has assured me that nothing happened with the people that he dated, that he only met them for drinks. There was one slightly dodgy one where the girl was apparently drunk and he brought her back home because she missed the last train. He insists they didnt even kiss, he was very upset that i had found out. I told him that I had spoken to the girl (I hadnt) so I am fairly sure he was telling the truth but I guess I'll never know. He says the dates that he went on made him realise that I was right for him, and then things became more serious after our holiday. I guess I was slightly suspect that I had seen that he was arranging to meet up with his ex last summer, and hadnt told me (he said he didnt meet her but again this could have been a lie). I do meet up with my ex every few months but Im very honest with him about this and he says hes ok with it and of course Im not unfaithful.

There was actually one time when I had stayed round a male friends house when I was drunk and couldnt get home (nothing happened) and I told him the next day and he said "without trust we are nothing babe". There was a picture about 2 weeks before this of him arranging to meet a girl for drinks on the internet (for some reason he always took screen shots when they agreed, doh). It hurts me that he said this as a way of reassurring me but was acting untrustworthily at the same time.

I suppose Im just worried that he found it so easy to lie to me, until I could really prove things. It does make me worry what else is there for me to find. I did tell him strongly that if we are going to live together there cant be any more secrets and I dont want to have to find out anything more and he said he would tell me if he could think of anything else that I might not like (but he hasnt ventured anything). I suppose I worry that he felt it was ok to see other people when he wasnt sure about me, and that he might do that again next time we have a rough patch.

OP posts:
Lucylloyd13 · 20/03/2013 16:11

The lying is not acceptable.

Seeing others in the embryonic stages of a relationship is.

badinage · 20/03/2013 17:21

The main issue all along with this has been the lying.

It still is.

I'd be worried too OP.

And I'd metaphorically shoot a man who called me 'babe'....

Birthdaychocolate · 20/03/2013 18:59

The signs suggest that he is a liar and a cheat.

Why are you asking for male opinions in particular?

bobbywash · 20/03/2013 19:44

You have trust issues, you can't move on. It's your choice. It seems you're looking for a reason to say its not right for you. These incidents are over a year old and as I said before what's he done in the last year. Clearly you believe something.

It doesn't matter whether as a bloke I say what's the issue, as it is you that can't get it out of your head and move on. You've already made up your mind and you're just seeking support for your decision IMHO

LemonPeculiarJones · 20/03/2013 21:54

Drunk girl missed the last train home?! Oh dear. He's a liar, has pursued other women - this little story doesn't hold up well in the light of that, does it?

The "Without trust we're nothing, babe," is worthy. He must have seen it as a gift that you'd stayed over at your friend's place. A get-out-of-jail-free to store up against his indiscretions.

cronullansw · 21/03/2013 00:29

Well, if you keep looking under stones for long enough, I'm sure you will either find the slugs you are looking for or you will imagine you've found them.

bobbywash · 21/03/2013 08:01

Lemon whilst I see what you're saying the OP did the same, drunk, stayed round a male friends flat. Why when he says the same thing happened as it did to the OP is he automatically lying.

The OP wants an out, and is looking to justify it on the grounds that during the first 6 months when she states they were not in love yet, he did something and didn't tell her. There is no indication during the following year he has even put 1 hair out of place, blimey men and women are fundementally different in terms of attitude as everyone is aware. To me as a bloke, it's a nothing. I look at it as a woman with trust issues. If someone walked away from me over something that had happened over a year ago, when their lifestyle had been very similar, apart from the "share it all" part, when seemingly it hadn't even been agreed that we were a couple I would think the woman had real issues.

If the OP has (and she clearly does) it's best to walk away, there is nothing in the OP to say affair or cheating, since they have decided on being a couple. It's her insecurity and that is it. This is something that should not be pushed onto him, it's the OP that can't cope.

Maybe she's punching way above her weight

madonnawhore · 21/03/2013 09:16

Anyone else think it's weird and a bit creepy that he screenshots conversations with women when they agree to go on dates with him?

I'm on the fence about non exclusive dating early in a relationship.

But the disturbing thing is that OP asked him directly and he lied to her face unblinkingly. If it was no big deal, why didn't he just admit it then?

It's only now she's confronted him with undeniable evidence that his story's changed. It was 'only one date each'. A drunk girl went back to his place with him but 'nothing happened'.

Now that you know he's capable of lying, how could you ever believe anything he says? Especially on this topic?

Smells dodgy to me OP.

LemonPeculiarJones · 21/03/2013 12:01

Bobby I think it is different though, because of how much lying he has done, secret dating, flirty messaging etc. In that context I do think it makes it entirely different. Staying around at a friend's house when you can't get home is rather different to going on a date without telling the woman you are seeing, and then having the drunk date stay over, claiming nothing happened....DYSWIM?

Agree with you about the creepy screenshots madonnawhore! Like a collection of little conquests. Definitely a bit Hmm

Roseflowers · 21/03/2013 13:00

The thing is, the op says that he was seeing some of these girls AFTER they said they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Its right there in her second or third post. So under no circumstances do I think she's 'looking for a way out', I think she's genuinely hurt because this guy was still dating around after making that commitment. She was always honest about dating other people in the first month of their relationship whereas he was secretly seeing other girls much later on that he never admitted to. There is the betrayal.

skaboy · 21/03/2013 13:51

Bloke here. Surprised he's behaving like that at 40. When I was a teenager I might have carried on like that although there wasn't really any internet dating (I'm 36) and I might be abnormally loyal / honest. The decent thing is to be honest about what's going on at the time otherwise you can't really build up much trust.

He clearly wasn't serious at the start but might be now. Unlikely he's going to change much at his age though so I'd be wary. Unfortunately I know enough about liars to know they generally carry on lying.

CuChullain · 21/03/2013 16:18

Another chap here.

While there is no set template as to when your relationship should become exclusive I would imagine most people would assume some kind of exclusivity the moment you start sleeping with each other on a regular basis (unless you agree in advance to some kind of friends with benefits type of relationship). You don?t always have to have the ?are we exclusive chat? in order to define acceptable relationship boundaries, if someone is obviously investing time and emotional capital into the early months of a relationship it does not take a genius to work out that fucking other people is going to cause hurt and disappointment to that person and basically advertise the fact that you were not that serious about them. I did the whole internet dating thing and it is not uncommon to find yourself going on several different dates with different people over the same period of time. I think a bit of an overlap in the early days is to be expected. Some of those dates will advance to second and third meetings that might finish with a naughty fumble on the sofa with two different people on consecutive nights, but there comes a point when you have to choose one person with whom you want to move forward with. After my first date with Mrs I actually had no interest in dating other people as I was so smitten, and I thought it would have been a bit mean to arrange dates with other women if my thoughts at the time were on someone else. We did have the ?exclusivity? chat after about 8 weeks; although I knew we were both committed to moving forward with each other I thought it would be polite to ask her if I could call her my girlfriend before I started to introduce her to people as such.

badinage · 21/03/2013 19:20

This just shows (thankfully) that there is no such thing as a 'male opinion' because like women, men are not clones of eachother and will have different values and judgements about situations.

I really do think the whole 'internet dating/was this an exclusive relationship' business is a red herring though.

The main issue is that this bloke lied, by omission first and then overtly.

Social conventions around dating might change, but lying never goes out of fashion or becomes more acceptable in relationships.

nosferatu · 21/03/2013 19:29

I would keep my eyes open

Original poster
idontunderstandmen · 23/03/2013 13:43

Thanks for the messages. I agree its the lying that upsets me most. Even if he has changed and is faithful now, it doesnt take from the fact that he lied to my face and made me feel stupid for questioning him. He says he felt he had to lie because I would have assumed the worst if he had told me "as I am doing now"

Well I told him on Thursday that I need some time to think about things so I havent spoken to him for two days now. I think I might arrange to meet with him next week. This is quite a big foot down as we see each other usually every other day and we text all the time normally. I also cancelled going out with his work friends on friday and house viewing today. I am hoping that he will understand that he needs to be truthful to me in future. I am I think willing to forget this but decided I needed to make a bit of a stand about it to hopefully make sure it never happens again (the lying. Obviously he had better never date another woman behind my back again!). I hope you are wrong that liars cant change :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
idontunderstandmen · 23/03/2013 13:45

ps I asked for male opinions particularly in case it really is true that some men think this is acceptable behaviour (the early dating, even when he'd said I was his girlfriend - it was like he had me lined up and faithful but wanted to just check there wasnt anything better out there whilst he was still fairly free...nice)

OP posts:
badinage · 23/03/2013 14:13

Listen love, even if every bloke on here had said 'Meh...it's no big deal' that shouldn't have mattered.

Try to get to the point where it's only important what you think is acceptable behaviour.

Your radar is just fine about the lying. It's not acceptable to you. It's made you re-think his character and put you on high alert.

Everyone tells lies about something but lying about other women and even when found out, lying to your face and then repackaging it as 'not really a lie' is what makes this more serious. To move on from this, at the very least I think he's got to own up the the fact that he did lie.

People can change, but only when they acknowledge the wrongdoing in the first place. It doesn't sound as though he ever has.

Jenny6 · 01/08/2018 17:24

Hi.
I need a male point of view please on a relationship.
So 4 months ago I met a guy on a dating site, we hit it off, he was doing all the right things sayin all the right things. We had had a talk about exclusively dating which we agreed to. I went out of town for a weekend with my friends and while I was away he dated another girl who he had been talking to alongside me the whole time. They met, he invited her back, she couldn't so he went home. When I got back I knew something was different and asked if there was something as I could sense it. He lied to my face,which since he has said was to protect us, he didn't want to lose me. I didn't find out he had lied until a month on and was obviously hurt and upset. I have been and still am 100% committed to him.
He still claims he went on the date because that's the dating game. Now what I have a problem with is am I just something to do until he finds what he is looking for, or can I trust that I am what he wants now and through insecurity with me being away he did a stupid thing. I'm now struggling to trust him and wht his intentions are with me. We've been together 4 months now and it's been rocky, he also messaged a friend of his x saying he missed her everyday, said his girl mate is really fit and has commented on my friends before too. Is he a total jerk or just a bit stupid and possibly a bit immature?were both 34. Help and advice please.

richdeniro · 01/08/2018 17:38

That's the dating game for 'players' or those who don't respect the person they are dating.

I am a guy and you usually know after 2-3 dates max whether you really like someone and want to spend time with them so for me it would feel like I was cheating on them if I continued dating others.

I know I'm probably old fashioned but if I'm past the third date stage with someone then I would like to think we're exclusive.

4 months is a hell of a long time. I would not be able to trust someone or feel like they were in anyway committed to me if they were seeing other people. I'd say even if you became exclusive his mind will always be on others and he will be capable to cheating in the future.

lizzie1970a · 01/08/2018 18:21

I don't think this 'exclusivity' thing is ideal. Years ago you'd meet someone and he'd arrange a drink and if it went well you'd have a snog and assume he wasn't snogging you on the Friday night and then going out doing the same with someone else on the Saturday night and carrying that on for six months to keep his options open. You'd either see something in it to keep arranging dates or if nothing was there nothing lost, you'd say goodbye.

If you'd known he was carrying on seeing others in the first six months you could have decided to do the same and held back your emotions like he was or decided that wasn't what you expected.

Is it really too much in this day and age for two people to meet and concentrate on that one person for 2 weeks to see if something is there. Time and again people come on and say am I right to feel upset, is this ok when we didn't have this formal 'exclusivity' conversation. Why didn't you ask him after the first date are you planning on seeing other women?

I'm not surprised you feel betrayed. I also agree in your 'history' with him which could last decades the first six months are tainted. It's whether you can put it behind you or not. No need to be asking men on here for their perspective about whether you have a right to be pissed off or not. You are pissed off.

AngelsSins · 01/08/2018 19:45

Listen love, even if every bloke on here had said 'Meh...it's no big deal' that shouldn't have mattered

Try to get to the point where it's only important what you think is acceptable behaviour

This x100, one of the most important lessons women have to learn.

dirtybadger · 01/08/2018 19:54

@jenny6 this is an old thread from 2013. It would be better to start your own as its confusing for posters coming on knowing who they are responding too. You will get more responses that make sense anyways Smile

Hawkins001 · 24/01/2022 18:36

@idontunderstandmen

Hi everyone. So I am in a happy relationship, well fairly happy, I feel very in love and I feel he loves me, things are moving along nicely and we are considering moving in together. We have been together 1.5 years and we met on internet dating. However I have always had a bit of a suspicion that my boyfriend was seeing other women early on in our relationship, I checked his facebook last summer and saw messages which suggested that was the case. I confronted him and he said they were old exes, and friends of his ex and he hadnt been cheating on me. He apologised for flirting and deleted the person in particular he had been flirting with.

Just today I was on his laptop and thought I'd have a nose at his photos. I was surpised to see photos of lots of women from the internet, and internet conversations that he had photographed, arranging to meet up for drinks. When I looked at the dates I saw they were within the first 6 months of our relationship. I confronted him about this and he said that he hadnt felt sure of our relationship until we went on holiday together (at about 6 months in) and that he had been on some dates but not slept with any women. I feel very hurt because I was faithful to him after about a month of meeting him, I did go on a few dates after meeting him but was very honest to him about this. I feel he has lied to me when I confronted him first about this (he says he didnt tell me because "thats not what you tell people you go out with"). I understand that we werent in love at that time, we hadnt met each others families, but I still feel hurt and like he was disrespectful to me. He says that he hasnt seen any other women since that first holiday when he realised that he loved me and I do believe him. Am I a fool or is this normal male behaviour?

If it makes any difference, I am 29, had recently come out of a 6 year relationship when I first met him, he is 40 and had been single-ish for a few years (ie a couple of 6-1yr relationships but probably seeing loads of people at the same time). I was probably a bit naive of the real world, particularly the internet dating world :(

Are you still with your teacher partner from the holiday thread op ?

I apologise all for resurrection of this tread but I tried to type on the teacher holiday one, but it got locked.

LittleMissTake · 24/01/2022 19:44

Kindly meant OP …

He doesn’t meet your standards - so bin

Bet he’s back online right now.