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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am the crap partner in my marriage.

22 replies

SanctuaryMoon · 17/03/2013 15:37

As the title says, really. I read on here about angry, sulking, distant partners and if I am honest, that's me. I'm the one who doesn't know what I want, who wishes it could go back to life pre children. I could go on forever about how unhappy and trapped I feel in my life.

My husband is a kind and generous and loyal husband and father. There is no abuse (unless you count my shitty treatment of him), no cheating, no others involved. One 2 year old dc. We both work full time in pretty demanding roles.

I moved half way around the world to be with him. I feel lonely, trapped and BORED. I know it's not all my husband's fault, but i do take it out on him and I can't be so nice to live with right now. It even surprises me how I can react (or not) to different things.

I think all the time about leaving. Sneaking off and booking a flight home and not coming back. Depending on how angry I feel, sometimes these thoughts involve bailing on our dc too.

I suppose what i want to know is how to break this down into manageable sized chunks. All i feel is that i hate everything and i want out. How do you work out what it is, and be less horrible in the process?

My lovely DH is away with friends this weekend and again for the weekends soon. I have no family here, except his and whilst they are amazing, they often add to my feelings of feeling trapped.

I could ramble on forever, thank you for staying with me this far.

OP posts:

yellowbrickrd · 17/03/2013 15:51

Very honest and not at all rambling.

How do you work out what you want? I think here would be a good place to start bashing out some thoughts and examine them. Becoming 'less horrible' will probably happen naturally as a result of feeling more hopeful about life.

What did you want in your pre-dc days? What life did you envisage?

badinage · 17/03/2013 16:00

If you work full time and have got a 2 year old, it doesn't sound like my definition of 'lovely' that your DH plans regular weekends away with friends, leaving you with the child and housecare on your only 2 days off.

Are you sure your radar is working properly about this relationship? You might be reacting negatively to someone who expects you to make all the life sacrifices and you're just fed up with it, but for some reason turn this on your self and think it must be you lacking in something.

I think most people would feel trapped and ground down if they were living in a foreign country with no friends or family support, a full-time job, a 2 year old and a husband who was absent at the weekends. Why do you think you should be any different?

BertieBotts · 17/03/2013 16:03

It sounds like you're depressed, although this may be situational. Do you have friends where you are? Is it an English speaking country or is there a language barrier as well? Could you do something different (change of career type different) if you're bored?

If you're really unhappy in the country that you're living in then you need to talk to DH. You can't just stay in this situation indefinitely if it's making you feel so down.

scaevola · 17/03/2013 16:04

Perhaps you could consider getting that flight, but for a fixed period. Go and do different stuff, see the people you're missing and use the time as well to start thinking about how you can change the current pattern of your life to one you feel happier in.

For if your DH is OK really, then change from within yourself to reclaim yourself will probably be remarkably helpful.

Original poster

SanctuaryMoon · 17/03/2013 18:39

Thanks everyone, sorry for disappearing, sort on space at the moment!

OP posts:

BeCool · 17/03/2013 19:00

Could you find time to see a therapist and really talk these issues through properly? I think a good therapist could really help you sort stuff out and be able to move towards a happier place.

ChocolateCoins · 17/03/2013 19:11

If you changed 'different country' to 'other end of the country' I could have written this! I don't have any advice just wanted to say I know how you feel and it's shit

dingit · 17/03/2013 19:14

Sounds like you get very lonely. Being alone with a 2 yr old is not fun for a whole weekend in my view. I vote you have a trip home too. Then try and get sometime out for yourself, and some time with your DH too.

FarBetterNow · 17/03/2013 19:41

Do you ever go away for a weekend on your own?
Maybe you and DH should have a weekend away together - could his family look after your 2 year old?

Could you talk to your DH about all this?

You must be missing your family and friends. You moved across the world to be with him and now he keeps disappearing on boys' weekends.
Does he often go away on boys' weekends and leave you at home alone?

I don't think your sulkiness is entirely your fault.

ChocolateCoins · 17/03/2013 20:48

Do you have friends where you live op?

StillStuck · 17/03/2013 22:38

If you can, can you book a trip home? or even just skype your family and friends. I have so much sympathy I moved to the other end of the country for my DH (not the same I know, but...) and I know how tough it can be even if things are great (which they aren't for me but that's on another thread).

DS (2) and I now regularly skype my family and friends and hearing him talk about them and to them in between trips home has made a difference for me

no easy answer for you, sorry, but lots of sympathy and just a suggestion to not be too hard on yourself but to use this as an opportunity to work out what you can change about your life that might make babysteps towards things improving

FarBetterNow · 18/03/2013 05:40

I thought about this more last night after I had posted.
I think you are doing yourself a disservice.
Your DH seems to be living a pre children life by disappearing with his mates each weekend and leaving you alone to care for your 2 year old.
I don't think it matters if he is getting pissed up or healthily mountain biking, or off watching rugby, the point is he is avoiding his responsibilites to you and his child.
If you were living in your country would you be leaving him and the DC each weekend to swan off with your friends?
I'm not surprised you are fed up.
It is more than about you missing your home country.
Think about how you would like the weekends to be and discuss with him.

Yogii · 18/03/2013 08:09

What's the life plan? If in his mind it's staying there forever and that's what's troubling you, then sooner or later you need to have a conversation about that. The fact is, lots of people who leave their home country never settle. Maybe that's why you're struggling, you might have decided this is never going to work for you.

As BORED was in caps... what can you do to address that. Take a less demanding job that allows you some free time. Build a network of friends outside of his family so that you feel that not all aspects of your life are tied them. Get some independence back if you feel like you've lost some.

If you're in a place where there are lots of expats, you could try to build some bridges there.

Original poster

SanctuaryMoon · 18/03/2013 21:11

Thanks everyone, sorry it has taken so long to come back to this, long day.

I don't know where to start really, but the easy stuff is there is no language barrier thankfully.

I do feel like i have made all the sacrifices. I was happy to in the beginning, quitting my job and moving to a new country, sight unseen. We had plans to sell his house, move to the city (we are quite rural), visit the continent, visit friends, go to gigs. None of it has happened, we married and had a child and we are both horribly bogged down in work and crap grown up life.

I shouldn't be angry, i encourage him to do the things he loves. He normally goes out one night a week and the weekends are maybe 6 a year. It's harmless stuff, table top gaming and that sort of thing. I suppose the hard part is he has these hobbies and friends and a life here and 5 years on, I don't. I've made some nice friends at work and other mums, but it's not the same. And none on the doorstep, nobody to come for coffee.

Anyway, i can appreciate that he has it good in this respect but i am awful to him, a lot. I can't stand him a lot of the time, it's not his fault.

OP posts:

EverybodysSootyEyed · 18/03/2013 21:15

Well I think a big step would be to move to the city. That would open up a whole load of activities. Would it shorten your commute?

Original poster

SanctuaryMoon · 18/03/2013 22:06

Unfortunately we both work in two different cities, opposite directions. In negative equity here now, too. And if we moved we would lose out on mil for childcare and the great nursery where dc is settled, too.

It feels like all the things i want come at a cost. My DC is really doing well with how things are now.

How do you work our if it's the relationship that is wrong, or just the circumstances? My gp just wants me on anti depressants again, but surely that isn't the answer, popping pills and carrying on?

OP posts:

buildingmycorestrength · 18/03/2013 22:17

Why on earth not, Sanctuary? It sounds to me like a combination of pills and some talking therapy might give you a chance.

Esp if the alternative is carrying on as you are. You sound very unhappy.

Hugs.

FarBetterNow · 19/03/2013 19:44

I think life must be very hard when both parents work full time. It must be exhausting to be working five days each work, dealing with a DC and general house stuff.
I think modern living wears us down, but that doesn't give you an answer.
Can you free up an weekend afternoon for you all to do something as a family, even if it's just feeding the ducks. I
know the weather isn't good yet and I know the best planned outing can turn into a nightmare with a little DC.

Do you take multivits? Maybe try a couple of months of a good multi vit and spend time outdoors at the weekends.

Is it possible to plan a trip home?

Best wishes to you.

Original poster

SanctuaryMoon · 19/03/2013 20:12

Thanks everyone, i really appreciate the support and suggestions here.

I am reluctant to take medication at the moment because i am still breastfeeding, i need a type that is not possible with this. I also think that part of me believes i should be able to control this and that medicine is a sign of weakness, but i think that is ridiculous really.

No trip home for a bit, long way to go for lots of money and i can't get more than 3 weeks leave from work. But the advice about taking a multi vit and ferrying outdoors sounds good. Now i just need to find out where there are some ducks!

OP posts:

FarBetterNow · 19/03/2013 20:18

There are multi vits specially formulated for breastfeeding mums - you'll find them in Boots.
Good Luck.

Kernowgal · 19/03/2013 20:23

It's really not a sign of weakness. If you had any other illness that required medication, you wouldn't think twice about it. This is the stigma with mental health.

(This is meant in a "be kind to yourself" way, not in a harsh way!)

You poor love, I don't think you're being at all fair to yourself. You sound isolated and miserable, but on the bright side you've recognised it and you want to do something about it - more power to you.

What interests or hobbies do you have? Is there something you could find to do outside of other mums/school stuff? Do you get much exercise (I find this really helps my mood)?

Original poster

SanctuaryMoon · 19/03/2013 20:33

I always forget to look at it that way, it's not like i would proclaim that plaster casts were for the weak and get about with a broken arm, is it.

I used to have hobbies, photography mainly, it's fallen by the wayside the last few years a it's harder to be spontaneous with a little one, and it feels like it's always dark!

I don't get much exercise, though i want to, i find i am good at making excuses and avoiding it. I would have to get up at half 5 or go after tea to fit it in during the week but i must try. I even bought running shoes and only used them once.

OP posts:

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