Relationships without sex

[Coffee1Sugar]

I just want to say that yes they can work. Ive been with my boyfriend 14months and because of post-childbirth fear of sex since having my dd nearly 3 years ago I really struggle with sex. I've had another thread about it under a different name. My bf is wonderfully understanding, supportive and our relationship is loving, exciting and romantic without sex. We've bought a house together and going from strength to strength. Not all relationships are built on sex or have sex as a top priority. Just wanted to share because I've read so many threads where posts have read how important sex is and just leave basically if you're not getting any/enough. It saddens me:(

I'm glad it works for you OP.
it wouldn't work if either party were unhappy with the arrangement though would it?
Most of the posts on the relationship board referring to this issue are saying that one person does want a sexual relationship and the other doesn't. There is a problem in that situation.

I don't think most people, especially after the first flush, think of sex as a top priority but that it is part of a healthy relationship.
Personally, I think it's really important, without sex, it would just be companionship for me.

Fine if neither of you are all that into sex or it's a temporary issue.

Not fine if you want more children or one of you decides it's important again.

You might find it more productive if you had some counselling about the post-childbirth fears about sex, because it's more likely that there are other issues from childhood that pregnancy and childbirth unearthed.

Agree that both parties have to be on the same Page - DP shows no interest in sex with me and my main issue is how rejected and undesirable that makes me feel. My advances - even if just kissing and touching - are jokingly rebuffed with "that tickles" or "I'm not a piece of meat ha ha" so much so that I have given up

I wouldn't be too smug OP.

Smug?! How exactly?

Op you might just have been lucky enough to find a partner with a low libido...matched lack of sex drive can and does work, though people actually matching in that regard seems rare.

I don't think you're smug at all but i would advise caution because things don't always stay the same.

It's the bit about it 'saddening you' that other people think a healthy sex life is important enough to end a relationship over that I find smug. I don't think anyone needs that kind of condescension. If your boyfriend is genuinely asexual and has no physical sexual needs he is in the minority.

I agree with Bandinage, counselling could be really helpful, especially if you want to get over your trauma.
Of course I can only speak for myself but when I've experienced trauma, I've found it hugely beneficial to process, deal and move on from it.
By not attempted to resolve your fear of sex, you deny yourself and your DP many, many years of loving intimacy.
Please think on this OP, it sounds like you have a wonderful DP who I suspect would be willing to help you move past this.

And you're never going to have sex again?

We have foreplay frequently including oral and err manual stimulation (sounds prudish!) but not actual intercourse due to fear but yes I have started CBT. I don't think I'm smug

OP, then you're having sex, it doesn't have to be about penis in vagina. You are in a sexual relationship!!

Great that you're going to have CBT, I'm sure it will help.

Of course you're having sex... The people that are 'so sad' about get zero in the way of affection. No sex, no foreplay, no oral, no manual, no cuddles, no nothing. Still think they're nuts to walk out on that kind of joyless existence?

Of course you have a sex life you silly mare !

There's a clue in the term 'oral sex'

Well to me, penetrative sex is what people instantly think of as "sex" or is that just me?

Errr that IS a sexual relationship you're having OP which is incomparable with the other threads you have referred to...

OP im going through the same thing that Cognito mentions at 15.12 Jasmine is correct also when she says it is not comparable with what you have.

It's just you.
Sexual intimacy is hugely important to most couples in healthy relationships, it doesn't have to include PIV to be considered real sex .

I don't think it's just you because I think people are conditioned to think of PIV sex as being the main event, which if you deconstruct that a bit is ridiculous really isn't it? It's only one sex act out of a range of choices. But it's no coincidence that it's the one that's virtually guaranteed to give men an orgasm, but doesn't necessarily achieve the same effects for women. If you take the procreation aspect out of it (and these days there are other methods for that) it's a bit of a poor show if a sex act that isn't necessarily women's favourite is the one that people think of as describing the whole sexual experience.

Once people have worked through that logic, they tend to stop defining 'sex' in such narrow terms.

That said, plenty of women enjoy PIV sex, achieve orgasm through it and wouldn't voluntarily give it up and for the reasons stated above, few men if any would seek its permanent deletion from their sex lives. If you or your partner want to resume that at some stage, it's worth persevering with the CBT and also having a constant dialogue about what its absence means to your lives.

Good post badinage.

Sounds like a sexual relationship to me. I hope the CBT is helpful.