Minor fallout with friend and she's blown it out of proportion

[LadyWoo]

We've been friends for 10 years. She is quite a fiery person, seems to have a lot of fallings out with people, and often then turns it round to making out she is the victim. However we've always got on well and in some ways have been quite close.

A few days ago we had a very minor disagreement about something. She wanted me to agree to go on a night out this weekend, and I didn't want to go as I wanted to spend the weekend with DH and the kids. She said a couple of things that were a bit out of order, and I said I thought she was out of order, and she immediately blew up at me and started saying I was defensive, oversensitive, not a nice person, never considered her feelings, and various other things.

This was on the phone, and I ended up putting the phone down on the conversation, with every intention of letting her cool down, phoning her back, telling her I was upset with what she'd said but planning to try to sort things out. However after putting the phone down I went out for the afternoon and received a series of text messages from her, with each one getting nastier and nastier, and more insulting. I was out with my youngest child and didn't want to spend the afternoon replying to her or getting upset, so I ignored the messages. Later that evening when I was cooking tea she sent me a sorry message and said that she was willing to forgive me if I could forgive her. I text back and said that as far as I was concerned I'd done nothing wrong, and she then sent back a very spiteful text, saying something extremely personal and very upsetting, and I decided there and then that the friendship was over and I wanted nothing more to do with her, as I won't put up with that kind of treatment.

I haven't heard from her since, but this morning I received a text from a mutual friend, who said that my ex friend is on the verge of a breakdown because of how nasty I've been (!!), and that it's such a shame I can't make the effort to get on with her as we've been friends for so long. I simply text back "There are two sides to every story. I'd rather you didn't judge until you know the facts", and I didn't hear back from her.

In some ways I am glad to be rid of my ex friend, but I know what she's like when she falls out with people. She makes herself into the victim. I've seen her do it before. Just a bit upset that it looks like I will potentially lose a few friends through this. DH says I should just ignore their messages and refuse to discuss it with them, as it's none of their business and also it will make me look defensive if I start giving them my side of the story.

This woman is not your friend. Do not engage. She's shown her true colours. She may well play the victim - just accept it and cut all ties.

Agree with your dh

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape, you don't need someone like that in your life - and if any mutual friends fall out with you without bothering to hear your side of the story, then it will be a lucky escape from them as well!

Sorry, don't mean t be flip, I know this kind of thing is hurtful. But I am assuming that none of you are 12, hence you really don't need this kind of toxic immature silliness in your life.

I think you're both right. I've got no desire to be friends with her again. Luckily she doesn't live in the same town as me so not much chance of bumping into her anywhere. I am a bit upset about losing mutual friends though but clearly they weren't proper friends in the first place if they are so quick to think badly of me.

No I totally agree with you Spero, I think it is a lucky escape. In a way I've overlooked her behaviour as I guess I always assumed she wouldn't ever fall out with me but with hindsight I wish I'd pulled away from the friendship sooner after seeing how she behaved with others.

Have mutual friends never noticed the pattern that in all these fallings out there is one common feature, your ex friend?

At some point she will show the other friends her true colours, and they will get a new perspective on what she is saying about you now.

And your response to the other friend who texted you to criticise you for being unkind, was very dignified and firm. Well done for that.

I still have friends like this, goodness knows why.

Rise above it. Easier said than done, of course!

She has clearly got major problems and you can't fix them for her.

Not all friendships are for life - I have made that mistake, trying to hang on because of shared history etc. feel compassion for her but let her go.

I think mutual friends probably have noticed, but she's quite a dominant person, and seems to be someone that does get away with a lot of bad behaviour and people just accept it and let her do it.

The penny will drop eventually.

Over the time I've known her she has fallen out with quite a lot of friends. She is one of those people though that it's not her, it's everybody else. I would love to say to her "Take a long look at yourself and maybe you will realise it can't be everybody else, all of the time" but I'd never stoop to her level and she'd only use it to manipulate others into thinking I was a total cow anyway

I had a friend who sounds exactly the same. I did as your dh suggests and didn't rise to it knowing that as she falls out with everyone in the end they'll work it out themselves.

I have to see her (potentially twice a day so you can guess where) and we ignore each other. I feel sad about it in a quietly reflective way but to be honest it was like a weight lifting in the end and I wouldn't go back.

I know just what you mean fanofthe that is exactly how I felt about my ex friend. I am like you OP. I think most things can be sorted out once people have cooled down and then you talk about it in a civil way. However, your friend did not want to do this until she had bombarded you with nasty messages. We all have a limit and that was yours. It is hurtful when others pile in, judging you and making assumptions. I had this too and found it very frustrating but I honestly don't miss the very few people who sided with my exfriend. I was just thinking this evening that I feel much more relaxed without her in my life even though the actually falling out and subsequent ripple effect was very upsetting. I think you are doing the right thing. She has shown a very unpleasant side of her character and you are much better off without her.

Yes, lucky escape. It's definitely not you, it's all her.
I am rubbish at social dynamics so I try to "see what is going on here" in a transactional analysis sort of way. I hope you don't mind if I try to pick it apart a bit. I am guessing, of course, so in a big IMHO here are some observations.

You politely declined her offer to meet up. She was disrespectful in pestering you to change your answer. (Um, how dare you say no? Is she a Queen Bee type that never takes "no" for an answer?) Did she really think piling on the nastiness was going to get you to change your mind?

It might seem that you were going to be her entertainment this weekend in what ever capacity she could manufacture, with your agreement/permission or not. It does sound off, but there might be people out there who see falling out with someone as "entertainment", iykwim, and she was simply using you. She seriously needs a different hobby.

She may have been attempting to distract third party onlookers with the fake drama/lies on her target you so folks wouldn't consider her behavior. And/or the fabricated drama lets her 'save face' at the other's expense.

The 50/50 apology says she won't take culpability for her behavior...wanting to blame you for (at least half of) her behavior. (At least she has not flat out denied the entirety of her nastiness.)

(Yes, I know I over-think things' )

x with Cherries...
And involving others in the smear campaign is just cowardice. Safety in numbers, a sort of mob mentality. The person who took that bait must be very easily influenced by others (to the point of not bothering to engage her own brain, not even for a moment! harsh I know). As others have suggested above, disconnecting from this/these people perhaps would not be such a bad thing either.

{checks cracks and crevices for any other points}

sounds very similar to my thread on 'dealing with mutual friends'. Like you said my life is better without her and possible the mutual friends who may believe her but yes very stressful and upsetting at the time and still is.Best thing to do is to go out and make new friends and try to forget about her

Hmn, you must have been friends with my SIL. Oh no, hang on, she;s never kept a friend for as long as 10 years, can't be.

There's nothing you can do now but disengage.
I think ANDTHE BAND has it exactly right, actually. She's caught up in her own drama and is not going to take responsibility for her actions.

Think of the whole thing as a friendship audit/spring clean.

This morning I got another message from the mutual friend saying she hopes I am ok and that she was only trying to be nice with her message, as she doesn't want me to lose more friends?!! Not quite sure what she means by that but I've read it and ignored it, and shall be ignoring any further messages from her unless they are friendly and respectful.

Why not call your friend who messaged you? Let her hear your side. It is obvious that other friend will have given HER side, so you are not breaking any confidence by talking to the friend who is messaging you. If you dont put your side across, they are likely to believe the other woman.

But I would not think it a great loss if they did not want to be friends, but she is indirectly trying to find out what is going on, probably because she cares about you and would like to know whats up.

This sounds almost identical to my ex- friend. We were friends for a few years. During that time she fell out with numerous people, and I stupidly thought it was something they did. That was until she went mental at me on the phone as I couldn't go out with her when she asked (I was going out with a group of friends, one of whom she had fallen out with before which is why i hadn't asked her to join us). She called me allsorts, I was so shocked I was shaking, could not believe a friend would speak to me like that. That is how she became an ex- friend, and how I suddenly understood that all that falling out with people was down to her, nobody else! Good riddance, have never regretted this.

Quintessence did you see what I said in my original post about what the mutual friend said to me? I don't think she does care about me or is wanting to know what's going on, as she automatically believed the other friend and assumed I'd been horrible.

Amaya She sounds like my ex friend too. Always falling out with someone or other, and throwing her toys out of her pram when I won't do as she says.

I'm thinking good riddance about my friend more and more today. I'm pretty glad to be rid of her now really.

How old is she? Having such a tantrum then running off to someone else and saying LadyWoo was mean to me! You are so much better off without people like that. As others have said if mutual friends choose to believe her nonsense then you are better off without them. You could tell them I guess but it would be a bit she said I said she said I said and can you really be bothered with that?

Lady I did see. But you asked her not to judge. And she still text back this morning did she not?

She did, but I don't think what she said this morning was very pleasant really, and still thought the worst of me, Quint.

Debstar, she's 31. I totally agree with you. I think anyone who automatically thinks the worst of me probably isn't anyone I'd want to have in my life anyway.

Onwards and upwards :)