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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just been dumped and struggling to understand

12 replies

Roseflowers · 16/03/2013 20:09

Hi everyone, another tale of woe for a saturday night! I've just been ditched by a guy who I thought was a dead cert and I'm, shall we say, rather cut up about it. Bit of background, knew him from uni and then about a year ago he randomly started talking to me. Turns out he'd always had a thing for me. We dated briefly last year but a combination of the long distance between where we live (two hours by train) and my baggage from my last relationship (suicidal abusive punchy ex boyfriend who ruined my life) lead me to end things after 3 actual dates over 4 months. Fastforward to october last year when he gets back in touch again. Things rekindle but this time things are different. I'm ready to go for it as we're both looking to move into the same town by the end of this year, making the distance problem a shortish term one, and I'm finally in a place emotionally to really make a go of things. He seems lovely, facebook messaging turns into daily texting, we have loads in common and so much to say to each other. Eventually this ends up as phonecalls every night before bed and dates being arranged, which go really well. I've just come back from a week spent at his (which he suggested) where I was introduced to his family. Suddenly today when I try and arrange our next date he tells me he's getting deja vu and panicking that things will end up as they were before. He says that he doesn't want to start a relationship with the distance because there's pressure for it to turn serious (even though he's spent the last three months texting and calling me and arranging things with me as you would a girlfriend!) and he's worried he'll get annoyed at not being able to see me.

Needless to say I am very confused and hurt and feel like I've had the rug pulled massively. He's been nothing but sweet and affectionate and desperate to see me/ talk to me/ spend time with me and now all of a sudden he's just gone. I'm so, so hurt and kind of lost right now, need help understanding from any ladies who have been in the same position

OP posts:
Cailinsalach · 16/03/2013 20:20

So sorry Rose. I have no advice, can offer a hug though.

kalidanger · 16/03/2013 20:36

Are you absolutely gutted, Rose? Was he the love of your life? Or just a pleasant, sweet distraction after your vile EX? Confusion is one thing but remind yourself that your heart's not broken SmileFlowers

Roseflowers · 16/03/2013 20:45

I am honestly a little heart broken though. I had genuine feelings for him, enough time had passed that I was really over the ex and hoping desperately to make things work, as I felt I'd let a brilliant and lovely thing slip through my fingers last time. For the first time, a non-shithead wanted to be with me. Love of my life may be a bit strong, but I was falling in love with him and definately wanted a future with him. I thought he did too. Thank you for the flowers though!

OP posts:
kalidanger · 16/03/2013 20:50

My pleasure. Oh, wait - I forgot this Wine Blush

bestsonever · 16/03/2013 21:02

In the end it's up to him to stop putting negative barriers up as excuses. You can't stop him, for whatever reason he does not want to continue. You can do your head in wondering why but the outcome will be the same. Best chance of recovery would be to cut all contact (and to show him what he's missing). If he doesn't come to his senses, you have your definative answer.

Roseflowers · 16/03/2013 21:18

Yeah that's very true best, I basically didn't attempt to change his mind on anything. I'm not going to chase or plead or anything. Besides, I've lived through worse and will carry on living! Thanks for the wine kali, I'll be having a few in the pub later I think! Sound advice ladies, I've managed to stop crying and I do feel better already so thank you

OP posts:
UnrequitedSkink · 16/03/2013 21:26

I wonder if the week together and the sudden intensive progression of your relationship has given him cold feet? Men are weird like that. In your shoes I'd go no contact for a few days and see whether he makes contact when he realises what he's done...

Roseflowers · 16/03/2013 21:57

Well apparently he wasn't feeling how he expected to feel, even though by his own admission we had a great time together. He reckons this is because he's had a crap breakup a little while ago that has left him a bit emotionally numb. To be honest I think he just doesn't feel that way about me and so am gonna leave it well alone. It's shit, he did a very good impression of someone who DID feel that way but never mind...

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 16/03/2013 22:15

I suspect hes got cold feet and is panicing.

OP, how much do you like him? I know some women are quite clever at attracting guys and if they like one, kind of make it their mission, but without seeming too clingy or desperate. If you like him and consider him a decent, genuine guy (instead of a timewaster that is going to go through his life like this), then give him a bit of space, and then get back in touch, and let him know that you are happy to continue on his terms, low key and see where it takes you both.

At the moment, you are hurt and in shock so probably best to ignore him.

metimeatlast · 17/03/2013 00:15

people are in peoples lives for a reason, they each have a purpose in our lives as we do in theirs, whether or not we know what that purpose is. so although it hurts like hell, please take a step back and see what him being in your life has meant:

he has shown you that not all men are abusive, so now its time to raise your bar as to how you will allow yourself to be treated.
He has gradually over time allowed you to trust again
you have had a wonderful time with this guy who has rebuilt your mentality and self worth to where you are now.

Im sorry it didnt work out for you, but please see this as a stepping stone that was so much in need after such a horrendous EXP! like others say up thread, give him some space, but more importantly, dont wander what went wrong, as by the sounds of it, nothing did, dont look back and wander, today is history, tomorrow is where you want your future to be.
That all sounded like twaddle didnt it?! it didnt mean to, i was just trying to say that this has all made you a stronger person.
best of luck Flowers

Roseflowers · 17/03/2013 03:54

It didn't sound like twaddle at all metime. I guess I've been through the wringer emotionally over the last year. I was physically and emotionally abused by my ex and have had some truely terrible boyfriends in the past and so to find someone who was kind, decent and willing to go that extra mile for me was such a lovely experience. For them to now say they don't 'feel like they expected to feel' about me is devastating. I've been so careful about letting my walls down yet after several months of nothing but genuine niceness I finally did only to get crapped on again. Argh. Never mind. He is history and I won't let it happen again. I honestly just don't trust blokes now.

Lesmisabs I have mentioned to him that I didn't want 'a boyfriend' as it were, and that I was happy to let things just develop naturally at whatever pace. I just liked him and things as they were. I never ever put any pressure on at all, it was all him. He has just changed his mind, fair do's.

OP posts:
Hesterton · 17/03/2013 06:10

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