MN dont let me cave !!

[leaharrison11]

Ok ill try and keep this brief , my XP and DS dad is a horrible man yet i always go back ( give me the abuse i need for this ha ) he has cheated been emotionally abusive , lives like and 18 year old and is a compulsive lier , anyway september was the end for me and stopped all contact he agreed to see DS 5 a hours a week.

Anyway silly cow here feel for his words about a month ago with him saying how hes changed, how he loves me, you no the score so i started a casual thing again , anyway he hasnt changed he doesnt love me and has treated me like crap again, so glad DS didnt no anything was going on i made that a priority to make sure i could trust him first.

So MNers shout at me and tell me not to cave and text him or reply i know i need to but if u could all give me a push that would be great !

You don't need people shouting at you, you need a strategy. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So if your strategy/actions don't change, you're destined to cycle through the same destructive pattern again and again. Take creativity and a lot of effort to change but, like any other bad habit, the work pays off in the end.

Just from what you've written there, the XP is clearly a good talker. Abusive liars are often very persuasive and somehow he got the opportunity to sell you another load of old pony. So I think one obvious strategy is to properly cut contact. That means nothing 'live'. So no phone-calls, text-messages or IMs. Any communication do it through e-mail because then you can think better. So if he calls, screen it and don't answer.... reply with an e-mail when you're good and ready. If he texts.... ditto. When it comes to visits with your DC, aim for zero conversation.

The other side of things is to fill the gaps in your life left by XP. Give yourself as little down-time as possible because those are the times when nostalgia strikes and you wonder if it could work after all. Set yourself challenges like changing job or learning a new skill. Boost your social life by mixing with different people. Find absorbing hobbies and activities to fill your days. The more enjoyable your new life, the less you'll be tempted to go back to the old one.

Thanks hun, ohhhh hes a sweet talker alright , just need to not fall for it again, and i took ur advice and went book shopping today ao that should keep me busy for while, i feel like caving ill come back ha

Of course you want to cave. You so want to believe him because that would be lovely, wouldn't it? I find it helps to acknowledge that it is sad that someone is not going to give you what you want...it helps take the pressure put of the feelings of tantalisng hope.

It may help to have a mantra or something when he starts talking.

"I want to believe him. It is very sad that I can't believe him and that he is so abnormal as to lie to me. He just wants sex/money/a cleaner. I want someone who loves me. He doesn't love me. That is sad but I can see past it. It won't be different this time."

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