not close to my mother....please advise!

[WaterfallsOver]

Hi,

I am not close to my mother and never really have been. She's not close to her other children either, though there is a bond between her and my brother, the typical mother-son thing.

The thing that worries me is that I have a 1yo dd and I'd hate for her to grow up and have the same relationship with me that I have with my mother. In short, I feel very let down by my mother that she continued an abusive relationship with my father and didn't just up and leave with her children, she wasn't cruel but just wasn't very attentive towards her children and didn't show much love.or interest in us.

How can I ensure I don't end up with an adult dd who is not close to me? I adore dd and try to give her love and confidence (I didn't feel much of this from my own mother...)

Please don't worry that you're going to repeat history. The fact that you're even worried about the relationship with your DD means you're automatically in a different subset to your DM. 'Love and confidence' are about as good as it gets. There will be times when you get it wrong ... normal. There will be times when you have to pull rank or say something she doesn't want to hear ... normal. There may even be times when you don't like your DD very much.... also normal. But as long as you always act in her best interests, frame everything in the context of love and as long as - vital IMHO - you have the capacity to apologise if you get it wrong, I don't think you'll struggle at all.

Waterfalls, I have a similar relationship with my mother - although no abusive father, she was neglectful and not interested in us, still isn't TBH - so I am very interested in this thread. I would be so upset if in the future my DCs dread ringing me like I do my mother.

What you're saying is what I hear from young people every day. They resent their parents staying together and making them captive in abusive or unhappy homes.

As others have said, the fact you're wary of repeating parental mistakes suggests that you won't make the same ones. But you'll make different mistakes; all parents do! Your partner can help with this too by modelling a good father-daughter relationship and this will help exorcise a few ghosts about your own father's role in your childhood. Because, while your mother was neglectful and put her relationship and security first, your father was abusive and put his need to abuse before his children's welfare too. That's no more excusable than your mother's reaction to it.

Thanks Cogito, you've really reassured me. I'm sure I will get stressed and grumpy at times with dd, but I do try to correct any mistakes and she's very loved.

Howdoo sorry you're in a similar situation! It's interesting as even dh says when we visit dm every few months he can see there's no rapport or emotion between us. I'd hate to have that relationship with dd, I'd love to be a mum who gets phoned all the time, can be relied upon by dd etc.

I had been hoping that having dd would have brought my dm and I closer, but not at all, she's not really interested in having a close relationship...

Please don't worry that you will turn out like your own Mother.

My mother was supremely selfish and only concerned that she was okay in life and fulfilled, sod her children!

The way she was made me make damn sure that I was never going to be a parent like her, my ds's will always come first, be loved and most important to me they know that they are loved, cared for and can come to us and we will do anything [within reason] for them.

Badinage - sorry x post. Thanks for your points, I agree that I'll probably make different mistakes! I suppose the thing I'm really passionate about is making sure dd feels loved and I give her confidence.

Sugarice, sorry to hear you had a bad experience too! I just can't understand how some mothers (and fathers) can be so disinterested and allow their children to be casually neglected.

One of the best mindsets to have though is that parenting is a shared responsibility, so your husband has an equal role to play in this. It's not just your responsibility to bear, just as the blame for your childhood isn't solely your mother's.

If she isn't interested in her grandchild, although it might seem like a loss, it can be a blessing too. No risk of your children picking up on the warped values of their grandparents and no power struggles with GPs still trying to influence and control their children through the grandchildren.

I think the sharing aspect actually goes much further than biological parents. Partners play a big part but other people can also be influential on the way you behave towards your DCs. It's certainly been the case for me. Every time I've met someone I think is a good parent I squirrel away whatever it is they're doing and try to apply it. If you feel your role model in your own parents is not the direction you want to take... copy someone else's approach.

I totally understand you. Although my mum and dad were there for us if we needed anything practical, there was never a mother daughter relationship. Ever. I have never gone out shopping with her as an adult for clothes, coffee and a chat sort of thing. I always felt anxious if I had to tell her about a new boyfriend (ie so I could invite him over), would never dream of telling her who I might have met on a night out (I was always so jealous of mates who could do this), I recall bursting into tears telling her my periods had started, I think out if anxiety for talking about something so private!

I only speak to my parents every 3-4 weeks and now my mum sadly has dementia so I don't even really speak to her on the phone, just my dad. It's terrible to say but I don't think I will actually miss her when she is gone. I am adopted so I don't know if that's played a role in our relationship.

Since I had kids I have vowed to have a good relationship with them and hope they can tell me anything, enjoy my company, feel safe and secure and loved. I tell them I love them all the time, kiss and cuddle them every day. My mum has never told me she loves me and I'd only ever get a hug on birthdays. Having kids hasn't brought us closer whatsoever. As others have said, the fact that you're worried about this shows you are different. Just do the opposite of the things you didn't like in your mum! Your kids sound lucky to have you as a mummy :)

I didnt even see my DM on Mothers Day, I had bought her a card etc, tried to contacct her, no answer. I dont know what iv said!! She didnt bother with me on my 30th birthday either. I am very sad to say (truth hurts) she is more interested in her horses. This has always been the case. When we were kids (Sister and I) we went to school with holes in bottom of our shoes but the horses were always kept in shoes.

She is not maternal at all and my Gran (Whom I treasure) told me she only had me because her friend was pregnant and she was jealous. I believe my Gran

People in my town have often referred to my Gran as my Mum, as my Gran has been more of a mum to me, she took us to school every day, took us to seaside, came to our school plays. They naturally mistake her for my mum as we were always with her.

I dont think my mum can help how she is, she doesnt think shes doing anything wrong