Why can't he just be nice?

[Ginga66]

I'm feeling pretty down about my dh comments at the moment.
He is a very attractive man who keeps himself very fit. I am always payang him compliments, trying to hug and kiss him and tell him I love him.
We have two boys. I co sleep with ds2 nine months and dh sleeps with ds1 who is nearly four. Dh says he has to sleep with ds1 as needs his sleep. Ds 2 is very restless and I need to get him into a cot. Never the less we do manage sex once or twice a week but given the sleeping arrangements it's nearly always very quick!
The thing is we do argue a lot. Mostly over money and house work which are big issues. I am on mat leave and the bread winner.
We are under a lot of stress with both of us having various physical issues, exhaustion, money worries etc. We both work part time jobs so we can be there for the kids.
But despite this I still crave more intimacy and affection, I'm not pushing him away. I can be snappy and sensitive through sheer bone numbing exhaustion with ds2 waking maybe five times a night. Dh doesn't seem to understand this.
In an attempt to peak his interest I paraded about in my underwear tonight but he made a comment about my tummy and posture. I am a size ten, watch what I eat and exercise daily but I have still a tummy from babies.
Then upstairs I managed to get both kids in same bed so we could be alone and tried to kiss dh asking if he was tired. He was nice to start with but then said look at the time and asked if I'd had a coke. Coke apparently makes my breath smell.
I feel rejected, unwanted and unloved. He is n amazing dad, does loads around the house and helps me but I feel he has lost interest and is not romantic. He never gets flowers, kisses me first, tells me he loves me or that I look good except during sex.
What do I do! I've tried telling him that I'm hurt but he says I'm over sensitive.
When we first got together it was all incense and slow lingering kisses and making love and passionate sex and talking and dancing etc etc etc. I know children change things but I'm still makin an effort with him! It's left to me to book meals out etc. how do I get through to him.
Btw he does not have time to havn affair do I don think that's it and I've no intention of leaving.

Having sex once or twice a week is pretty normal for couples with children.
And it can feel like a rut but I'm glad that he is a responsible parent and helps out and the only problem is that he is not making you feel like a princess.
Can you talk to him about how you feel about his lake of affection? The
sex is not too bad, you think you trust him implicitly the housework is being shared and the bread is earned by both of you. Affection can be worked on so dont leave the bastard...

My dh is like this & it does hurt. I told him & he was mortified though which is the big difference. Some people just don't realise. If he doesn't care after you've said how much it hurts, that's a different matter.

Who died and made him King?.

Is he really an amazing Dad at all or are you just wanting to think that he is?.
You are stone last on his list of priorities; I would think that his own list of priority would read 1. Him, 2 Him, 3, His Needs, 4 His Hobbies.

Are you still hoping that one day he will have an epiphany and think "oh my goodness, I've really acted like a complete and utter shit towards my darling wife Ginga?". That sort of thought process keeps people within such damaging relationships and going onto write "no intention of leaving". You would not be a failure at all if you were to change your mind about that, your only error here would be to remain within a relationship that he does not want to see any changes made to.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want your children to see as well?.

Presumably as well one or both of his parents were/act the same?.

He does not need to have an affair; why should he leave at all when he gets what he wants from this relationship?. He actively enjoys seeing your discomforture and your, in his eyes, desparate attempts to keep this afloat and being nice to him; he does not want to do anything to make you feel better. Small wonder you feel neglected, unwanted and unloved - its because you are. He is the root cause of your problems here.

I agree with the PP. He's taking you for granted and being very cruel into the bargain. He knows very well you'd never leave so he's exploiting you.

What kind of unthinking arse comments on their partner's figure and posture when they're trying to create some sexual excitement, except to say 'you look great'... unless they just want to smash your confidence, crush your spirit and make you feel bad about yourself? You must have felt like you wanted the ground to open up.

He's making you feel rejected, unwanted, unloved and he's being nasty at the same time. Yet you keep coming back for more, like a kicked dog... Time to switch things around, stop craving this vain, shallow man's affection & give him a dose of reality.

Stop tolerating it. Stand up for yourself. No more parading in your underwear... time for tough talking. "Shape up or ship out"

I'm not surprised you're feeling unwanted - he is rejecting you. Now, he might not have felt like sex on the day you tried the underwear parade, but there are ways of declining kindly, and he didn't try that approach (as you had coke in the house I'm ready to bet that was just unkindness too and he's never complained before - and it's not like it's something like marmite anyhow).

I think you need to start by working on you: can you arrange it so you get a couple of nights unbroken sleep? Never underestimate how sleep deprivation makes you less than yourself and unable to see things less clearly.

Then think about what is an acceptable way for him to treat you. Not this. You are clearly making amazing efforts to please him, ensure he knows he's appreciated, and be a wife not just a mother. You need to tell him to be a husband, not just a father and that you need appreciation too.

I hope that by laying it on the line, he will see things from your point of view. For if he continues to slide into selfishness, it becomes harder and eventually impossible, to get things back to a healthy relationship.

I need to think this all through. I'm very conflicted. I don't want to believe he would willingly hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself it's subconscious or thoughtless.
I have accused him of being emotionally abusive before. He meets a lot of the checklist.
I am so sleep deprived its not making sense at all. Nine months co creeping and he wakes maybe five times a nigh and sleeps right next to me.
I will think on everyone's helpful comments and repost.
X

The motives of the person hurting you are debatable. You are hurt.... that's the thing you know for certain and that's the thing that's unacceptable. The old MN stand-by... 'did you mean that to sound so rude?'.... might be worth having up your sleeve. But when you're standing there in your scanties and your 'loving' partner says that you're looking a bit podgy round the stomach.... he'd have to be bloody thick not to realise that's going to cut like a knife. A sharp 'fuck off and go sleep on the sofa if that's your attitude'... would have been appropriate.

You said he's very fit and attractive at the start. He may have a nice face or body but his personality is anything but attractive.

"I'm trying to convince myself it's subconscious or thoughtless"

which could be rephrased as 'ingrained way of thinking, or rather not thinking, of others'.

OP: you sound exhausted. Is there any way you can catch up on some sleep?

"I need to think this all through. I'm very conflicted. I don't want to believe he would willingly hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself it's subconscious or thoughtless"

My love. When you tell someone that you are hurting, they change. They don't call you over-sensitive, and blame you for feeling upset.

If it's subconscious, then it's ingrained and IS the real him. From the outside if looks like he has you where he needs to you to be (hanging on HIS every whim) and he no longer needs to bother with the inconvenience of making you feel special.

Stop trying to convince yourself that you are in the wrong here, no matter how convenient for him. that way will strip you of whatever is left of your self confidence and esteem.

You say you don't want to leave him, but look at this coldly, why on earth would you want to stay? He belittles you and justifies it. this is not YOU, it's him. He could stop this today, but he doesn't want to.

He won't stop, it will only get worse. Where are the consequences for his actions?

"Why can't he just be ice?"

He can. He just doesn't want to.

He meets the emotionally abusive checklist because he IS emotionally abusing you.

No doubt about that whatsoever.

He is cruel, not insensitive.

He upsets you because he wants to.

And because he knows he can, because you'll never leave.

I bet the 'quick' sex you have is all about his pleasure too and not yours. Does he ever bring you to orgasm and put his to one side if you run out of time?

Or is your orgasm the one that gets forgotten about?

He does not want to be nice to you because he detests your very being and regards you as less than nothing. All that matters to him is him and getting his own needs met, he has trained you well to respond.

I think you should sort out your sleeping arrangements. Your children should not be n bed with one parent each. DS1 should be in his won bed and DS2 in a cot. Then you and DH can sleep together and regain some intimacy

The OP did that last night. It got her nowhere. He insulted her twice to avoid having sex.

I think some of you are being really harsh. It's simple. When you have been with someone for some time and the lust is waning, you start making excuses for not wanting to be close to them all the time. They start getting on your nerves. When you first meet someone, you don't mind their little imperfections. Before long, those same things turn you off. Added into the mix is the children, not sleeping properly, regular domestic arguments. In my experience this is all normal life in relationships. As for how to improve it, let me know.

Is ds2 bf or.bottle? If ff, then tell him you are going to swap sons and you share woth ds1 and he can be with ds2. At least a week of it, so he can see and appreciate how tired you are.

And someone who made me feel that shitty about myself would have to work damn hard to get into my knickers.

In my experience this is all normal life in relationships.

Really? It's 'normal life' for a partner to make negative comments about your appearance when you dress up in sexually provocative clothing? And comment on your bad breath when you try to kiss him?

That wouldn't be normal in my relationship. If I thought that it was, I'd have therapy.

I'm not saying its nice. It's awful. But these are the feelings that people have when they are fed up of someone. It's natural in a long term relationship to be put off by things like bad breath. The OP's partner has expressed these feelings cruelly. Most people have less and less intimacy and as we know from the many threads on the subject here, often no sex at all.

I think I bristled at your inference that it's normal for people to go off one another after the initial lust has died down. That might be true of an initial infatuation that has no substance, but it's not usually the case if a couple has a bond and mutual love and respect. It's true that sex drives wax and wane over the course of a long relationship and that when times are difficult, a couple can get on eachother's nerves, but it really isn't normal to be this cruel and disrespectful to a partner, or so insensitive to their feelings.

One of the good things about a forum like this is when other posters can come on and say honestly that terrible behaviour that has been normalised by an OP (or lurker) really isn't normal or acceptable. If someone's devoting all their energies to lessening their own situation and convincing themselves that everyone else's relationships are that bad, other posters' experiences are a timely antidote to that denial.