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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Any advice on dealing with mutual friends?

4 replies

Laura0806 · 15/03/2013 22:34

This is minor compared to some of the issues on here so i apologise but I just wondered if anyone has any tips on how to deal with this situation. A previously v good friend ( or what I thought was a good friend) obviously decided through things connected with stupid jealousy over the children that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore ( well as close a friend anyway). She started to do what I think she thought was subtle pulling away, not inviting me to things she normally would have done, ignoring me. I was quite hurt and asked her if I had upset her, to which she replied, 'not at all' but continued to behave strangely, sometimes spekaing to me , sometimes not; missing me off invites and then asking me to walk with her to the school pick up once eveyr month so as to disguise her lack of wanting to be friends ( previously we would have done it most days) Now, i didn't handle it well. Out of hurt I backed away completely and made excuses as to why i couldnt accompany her for these little 'handouts' as it felt. I was polite though and had a reasonable reason. Since then she has been telling people that I have done this and that ( totally untrue) as a reason for our mutual friends to understand why we are not friendly anymore.She has also made very unkind comments about my ds which have been completely unnecessary and when we are in a group she can't help but make little putdowns to me. We are now at a stage where we hardly communicate and, having been so close, it is obvious. I feel like an idiot because I have never fallen out with anyone in my life and dont really want to at this stage in my life as its embarrassing and childish but I knwo she has told me in the past that she has fallen out with many people so I think it doesn't bother her. Our lives are so entertwined , children in the same years, many of the same friends. How do I handle it? I have been inviting her to things even though she hasnt come ? Do I stop? do I tell people as she has been doing my side of the story? or just carry on saying hello when I see her (every day) and leave it at that. I have been so incredibly upset by all of this,but right now i feel angry and can't bear to be around her.Three people have told me what she has said happened between us ( which is nonsense) and they have told me precisely because they dont believe I would act this way. Its just so hard as nearly everything I go to, she is there and she is so cool about ti all and yet I feel like Im dying inside with awkwardness and now a new emotion of fury! ANyway been in this boat?

OP posts:
Grinkly · 16/03/2013 04:18

What a difficult position for you.

She seems offended about something, whatever it is she is taking it out on you.

I wouldn't worry too much about what other people say, they are really just concerned with themselves. And what is or isn't being said about someone else will be forgotten quickly. So you need to not discuss this with people or show any interest in it and start trying to move on to other friends and relationships.

Your friend could change to being friendly as quickly as she became unpleasant, try to not dwell on this and find things to do which keep you out of her radar.

Best of luck.

Laura0806 · 16/03/2013 15:45

Thanks, yes I think you are right. Its easy to think other people will start believing her and being funny with me too but, as you say, others are usually too busy to care if it doesn't directly affect them. Hard to remember that sometimes! Thanks again

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 16/03/2013 20:28

What was the stupid jealousy over the children about and are your children still friends?

Unfortunately probably quite difficult to keep out of her way a lot of the time because of children having same friends in same years etc., but I would very strongly try not to focus on her too much, because in the grand scheme of things she really is NOT important to you and your family.

I would keep it to just being polite with a quick hello when need be (don't go out of your way to do so), and don't invite her to any birthday parties etc., which I know is vindictive but perhaps it might do her some good to see how nasty and rude it is.

Laura0806 · 17/03/2013 00:29

Children are still friends, its a nightmare. It really boils down to her getting very annoyed at finding out her ds is very dependent on mine for friendship. It didn't bother me as I am just happy if my children are happy and have a good friend/friends but she is very jealous and just started by making catty comments about how her child can do x , y and z and how that she doesnt want them hanging around just one person. Cue, dropping me from social invites.; a massive shock as we used to see each other all the time. Turns out although for different reasons this girl has dropped other people suddenly and for v little reason.

I agree with you on keeping a quick hello, the problem I have with not inviting her to things is that i think it reflects badly on me as if I am being childish as well but then my dh says I am just being a mug continuing to invite her to things when she clearly isnt doing to me. Thanks for replying, I appreciate it . The school gate is a constant source of stress as i dont cope with conflict and dont really fall out with people

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