Oh shit, help! What do i say??

[BubblegumPie]

H knows something is up. I'm planning on leaving him but wasn't going to tell him till I'd sorted out somewhere to go etc.

I've been distant and now he wants to talk tonight, and I don't want to lie.

Basically, we haven't been happy for years now, I've fallen out of love with him and want out before we waste our lives getting more and more bitter with each other.

I'm going to have to tell him tonight. What do I say? How do I start? Help!
(We have a DD(2) if that makes any difference to what to say)

try the truth ?

Is he likely to get nasty? If so, keep quiet.

assuming there is no risk of violence then be honest with him. be prepared for a long hard night. respect him enough to be truthful about your feelings and your plans.

Is he abusive and you are worried for your welfare? Or were you just hoping to bail quick to avoid uncomfortable situations?

Are you open to trying to work things out or have you made your mind up? Id imagine if you havent chatted with him about it, its the latter

No risk of violence. I think he might cry.

I'm going to tell the truth, as I said above I don't want to lie to him. I just don't know how to start or how to be tactful about it.

I don't think he loves me either but I don't think he's admitted that to himself yet.

I wanted to leave quickly so that DD didn't have to witness any upset. I do care for him in terms of he's my daughter's father and I want a civil relationship with him for her sake, so I want to tread carefully.

Well, just wait til your dd has gone to bed. Maybe scribble a few things down on paper so you get them straight in your head. Dont raise your voice if you can help it, and give him a chance to speak too.

Are you against trying to repair it?

She's in bed already. I think we're both sort of waiting for the other one to start.

We've tried to fix it for the past 2.5 years. Things started going wrong when I was pregnant and I just don't think there's any real hope for it now. I think it's best for all three of us if we split.

Hi BubblegumPie. Having been in your situation only a few months ago, I would advise you to stay calm, be honest but kind and give him the chance to express his feelings. Don't try to get everything out at once, but do stand your ground and don't allow yourself to feel guilt-tripped into agreeing to anything if you are resolute in your decision as this will only give him false hope.

I started 'the conversation' with my exH by simply saying 'our relationship isn't working for me any more. It doesn't feel like an equal partnership and is not what I want from life' then calmly stating my (main) reasons without blaming him or being cruel but still being truthful. It went a bit like this:

'I know you are very keen to have children, but I'm afraid I can't consider doing that with you whilst you continue to fritter away our joint disposable income on booze, weed and expensive toys for yourself whilst I go without essentials and you leave me with all the responsibility of keeping us. I can't bear for you to come near me sexually because your behaviour makes me feel like the mother of a spoiled teenage son and despite me telling you these same things over and over again for more than a year and you promising to change, you have done absolutely nothing about it, so I can only conclude that this is how you will always be and I'm no longer willing to live like that.'

Be prepared for the fact that even if he agrees with you, you will both probably be upset and will likely re-visit the same conversation (or bits of it) over the coming days/weeks as you both go through the process of grieving for your relationship and accepting that it really is over.

I wish you the best of luck with it all. Afterwards you will feel a huge sense of relief I promise

Thanks Bestest that's really helpful.

I'm going to try my best to ignore any hurtful comments or accusations and not throw any back. This isn't about us anymore, it's about keeping sane and civil for DD's sake.

It's probably too late now but personally I'd stop after saying "this relationship isn't working for me any more because my feelings have changed".

Even if he doesn't love you any more (and you don't know that until you have the conversation) it's a lot to take in. I wouldn't list all the reasons because he's likely to come back at you with his own (none of us are perfect).

Good luck BubblegumPie.

Thanks for all the replies and advice. It couldn't have gone any better.
Thankfully he felt the same, so there's no ill feeling and we even shared a little joke about it all.

He's moving out to his mums for now and we're playing it by ear till we've time to sort everything out officially.

I'm so relieved.

Glad it went well, it must have been awful worrying about it first.

Take care

Oh that's great news BubblegumPie. Glad to hear it. It's lovely feeling that weight lift off your shoulders isn't it? Things will only get better from this point on :)