Hi. I just signed up to this site after a couple of days reading the advice on here. Have realised there a lot of people on here with first hand experience of tricky situations and have come to join my appeal for help to the pack.
I met my ex at work, having lost her job in IT she ended up temping where I was working.
We got on well, and after a few weeks when she got an in to another IT job, this time for a charity I thought I'll be very sad not seeing her again so I gave her my number, asked her out..
Forward a few months and I moved out of my flat and into hers. Were happy and we had a good time together. She met my mum and dad a few times and they were pleased I was happy living with her, made her feel welcome etc.
Then in october 2009 while I was away she phoned me to say she might be pregnant - ok take a test - she wouldn't until I came home, which I did. Test +ve.
This is where things get tricky. She had not told her family about living with me. She joked about me living in a warehouse to them - actually I had stored some of my stuff that had accumulated at my flat into a friends warehouse.. the reason she gave for telling her family I was living there was its easier for me that way, "you don't understand my family"
Anyway she would not tell her family about the pregnancy, and she told me she wanted to have an abortion. I thought this was a big mistake and tbh I am squeemish about the thought of taking life like that and didn't want it but said its legally part of her organism and the final decision is hers.
Then she tells her family that she is pregnant and next thing I know they are summoning me to a meeting at her sisters house.
My ex never really mentioned strong religious views, we had been sleeping together for months.
Her sister said I had to marry my ex right away in a religious islamic ceremony arranged by her otherwise would have to get rid of the baby.
In the end my ex had an appointment booked on the day of the "wedding" to terminate the pregnancy and she would only phone to cancel on the way to her sisters house when she was sure I would go through with the ceremony.
The Imam at first didn't want to marry us because he thought I was not a muslim (to be a muslim you have to accept the prophet as final messenger etc.) which I did but he was grilling me about my background etc.
My mum and dad made it very clear before hand that this is a big mistake etc. but at the time all I thought was this allows me to live with my GF and baby, and avoids killing our daughter.
Then the problems started. We rented a new bigger flat together. Her sister insisted we lie about the progression of the pregnancy because if people in their "community" were to find out about her "shame"??! noone would talk to their family (they are Bangladeshi people).
This included one of her sisters, who the others didnt trust., we had to lie and tell her the baby was premature when she came out on the 2nd day after her due date.
At one scan we got a print out of our dd and I was so proud I put it on our fridge, later that day when my then partner found it she ripped it off and started shouting "my sister will see the date and the number of weeks and work out that I was pregnant before getting married and will tell the "community" are you crazy etc???
I kept argueing to at least tell her "non-trusted" sister, but she refused.
When the baby came things got really weird. My mum came to stay with us and we invited GF's sisters to come round. The one who had arranged the 'marriage' would not say hello to my mother, and when mum asked her "I've made some dinner, will you eat with us?" she looked at her feet and walked away without acknowledging the question.
Soon she stopped talking to my OH completely. She would send her husband round with notes and was telling her that she has ruined the family if she wanted to live with a "Kaffir" (non-muslim) the least she could have done was moved to another city.
As an auntie to her sisters 2 kids my ex was very angry and upset but what could she do. For 18 months the sister ignored her calls and would just send horrible notes to her about me.
It was affecting her mental health and mine too.. in the end I had to leave. I moved out of the flat and we split up which eventually allowed her sister to come back in her life.
Since then we have successfully coparented our dd. If she needs someone to sit in and play with dd while she calls me, I take our little one out to parks, museums.. I pay some of EX's bills but not all.
The problem is her sister is constantly causing problems because she hates me. She wants DD to be without a father rather than have me.
The sister found out where my parents are and sent them an unsigned anonymous letter vaguely threatening, and then refused to acknowledge it was her. My parents thought it was funny, poor english, very whiney about how I was not a good person etc. etc. because I had caused problems for their family.
If I am with our daughter and the sister comes over to the flat where DD and EX live I have to leave, go to my car and then drive out of the car park before she will get out of her car and come upstairs. She actually thinks that being in the same car park as a 'Kaffir' will damage her and her children.
Then last year at about this time my ex got a letter from the job centre saying her benefits were being cut off etc. etc. When she attended the interview the guy was actually sympathetic. He explained that an anonymous call to the benefits helpline had been made and it had been reported that her ex (me!) was living in the flat. She explained I have my own flat, we get on with each other and I come regularly to sit with DD or take her out to the park etc. The guy was sympathetic and without much fuss reinstated her benefits.
At this time her sister had stopped replying to her calls and texts.
Now forward to this year my ex had a falling out with the sister and the sister ended their phone conversation by saying some very unpleasant things to her and putting the phone down. She would not respond to calls or texts. About 5 days after this EX gets another letter from the job centre, same as last time.
I said to her it was her sister and we need to put a stop to this. She refused to acknowledge it was her sister and she said "how could my own sister do that, leave me with no money etc. etc." and refused to believe it. The sister clearly wants me to leave the ex and daughter alone completely because I'm a cancerous non muslim ("Kaffir") presence in their lives. My ex is caught between giving DD access to her dad and not being cut off from her only family (their parents were old and have died - other family not in same city).
I tried emailing the sister in the past to say that this hiding away etc. is silly and why can't we just put this problem to one side and be adults.
She sent an email to ex which she forwarded to me saying if he tries to call me email or come near me I will call the police and tell them he is harassing me/stalking me.
The sister has a husband who is away a lot, and when he's away she insists on my ex, + our dd going to live at her place (which is dusty and makes DD sneeze btw). During this time I have no opportunity to see my dd except if ex comes back to her flat for something while I'm free, and even then only for 15mins or so. Ex has to coordinate visits covertly by texting from sisters bathroom etc. because if she answered the phone to me her sister would go mad.
When her sister had her house redecorated one of her children was frightened of the bare walls so sister informed my EX that her, her 2 kids, and her husband would be staying in EX's 1 bed flat for "about a month" During this time I only saw my dd a couple of times and she said to me "daddy don't leave" when I had to go because the sister was coming back.
My family think I should be talking to Lawyers to establish some formal access as the situation is so tricky but I'm not sure.
Any thoughts at all appreciated. Just telling the story to strangers is therapeutic tbh.. own friends and family are inevitably already strong in their opinions. Thanks for taking the time to read it.. anyone been in a similar situation? 