Re-evaluating relationship with old friend, don't feel like we 'gel' anymore. Anyone been through something similar?

[Robininred]

I have been friends with K since we were about 8 years old, so she is one of my oldest friends and there have been difficult times in my life when she has been a good friend. I want to start by saying that.

We are now in our early 30s and over the last few years I haven't really enjoyed her company that much - I hate admitting that but it's how I feel.

Recently K asked if she could come and stay with me for a few days and I found myself making excuses why she couldn't. The truth is that I didn't want her to as the last few times she has having her as a guest has stressed me out. I won't bore you with all the details but she goes through my stuff (clothes and make-up - not bank statements/letters), always moans that whatever food I have bought in isn't what she feels like then eats the entire contents of my fridge, makes a mess of my flat etc. I just don't think she has great self-awareness and I find having her as a guest stressful rather than fun/relaxing. Lots of other friends come to stay and it's fine, so not like I have an issue with having guests in general.

I also feel like she likes me to do all the running so to speak - when we lived in the same city (we don't anymore) if we were meeting for a drink after work she liked me to go to near her work / her house and not the other way round. She likes people to make an effort for her (eg. I travelled a round trip of 300 miles for her Birthday celebration last year) but I have asked her to do me a couple of very small favours recently and she said she couldn't find the time. She is someone who gets stressed out very easily which is partly why I think she does this, as she is just trying to take pressure off herself, so I have always just gone along with it.

I also just feel like she hasn't really grown up - all my other friends who are now 32/33 have started to behave like adults but I feel like K is still much the same as when we were in our 20s. She is constantly having issues with money and relationships but fails to take responsibility for these things and her attitude to men and money is still pretty immature. She also thinks its ok to ask very personal questions about sex life, how much I earn etc which I don't really like discussing. Maybe I am just a prude?!

I don't really know what to do. She is an old friend and someone I care about dearly, but I just don't feel like we 'gel' any more. I don't want to cut her out altogether, but am considering just not contacting her as much and letting the friendship run it's natural course, which may well be drifting apart.

Anyone been through something similar?

Hmm I have a similar problem in that I feel I am growing apart from my former best friend, although the reasons are completely different! It's hard because I feel like we have nothing at all in common and over recent years have started to feel uncomfortable in her company. I feel she feels the same way but she has done so much for me over the years, she had some family tragedy last year and we have been friends a long time. It seems callous just to cut her out completely and I don't want to. I just wish we didn't feel like strangers but we do.

Not sure what to do and not much help to you but interested in others that have had similar issues.

Hi OP, I'm going through something kind of similar but it's a friend from secondary school. She's my "oldest" friend in the sense that I don't keep in touch with anybody from an early age, and she's always been very important to me.

However, looking back I think she's always been a crap friend. Never the sort who's going to go out of her way for me, and I knew it but as we live now in different countries, I never made a fuss about it.

The problems really started when she began to slag off, really badly, one of our friends in common, who incidentally is closer to her than to me. As I never considered this friend in common a great friend, I agreed with a lot of the really nasty stuff she said about her.

However, to my great surprise, my good friend went to her wedding in Sweden with husband and daughter, all probably paid for by our friend in common. I asked her if she wanted to come to London to visit me on the way back home but she said she couldn't afford it.

Then she went to States to visit her, also with all her family, but she never came to see me in London. I honestly don't know how to take this. She cannot afford to come to see me but she can afford to see someone who she and her husband had the nerve to slag off to my face.

Anyway, sorry about the rant, but just to show you how friendship sometimes runs its course, and you just have to let go. It's really hard when it's someone from a long time ago as these friends become such a intrinsic part of your life, but my gut feeling is that if you're not happy seeing this person anymore, it's probably best to stop contact and move on.

I'm not saying it's easy in any way. But I'll be forty soon and want to be surrounded by people with integrity, people that make me happy and relaxed, not people who increase my anxiety levels as I don't really know where I stand in the relationship anymore.

Thanks

Betty I take your point about wanting to be surrounded by the right kind of people now. I only have limited free time so I want to spend that with people who I really get on with.

I just feel bad dropping my friend as we have been friends for so long and like I said in my OP she has been a very good friend to me at certain times when I have needed a friend. However I do feel like our friendship is to some extent based on the past and I don't enjoy her company that much anymore.

I thought about talking to her but then I think it's just that our personalities aren't compatible anymore and I can't expect her to change for me. It's not as though she has done anything wrong or nasty, we just don't gel anymore.

I think I will just let it drift. We live in different cities now anyway so it will probably drift naturally to some extent.

Is it not worth trying a couple of things first, before you let things drift. Be firmer and clearer yourself about your position. So if/when she mentions a night out, suggest getting together closer to where you live. If she says no, just laugh and say, oh come on, I always come to you. When she asks about money and sex, just say you don't discuss income or sex and leave it at that. Tell her not to go through your stuff, as youre not comfortable with that. Bat it straight back when she moans about the food you have and tell her to buy you both a takeaway. She's not a mind reader and may be unaware that all this stuff is now getting on your last nerve. She may drift away from you then anyway or she may turn into a friend you value much more.

Hi Robin, it's true that if you haven't seen a really nasty side, probably the relationship can be saved, and there's no need to go "cold turkey".

Have a break from each other for a while. I wouldn't discard her as a friend, but maybe with time you'll feel the bond again.

Life is long, and all relationships go through their ups and downs. Even friendships!

Meet her somewhere between your cities, or in London for the day. Have an honest chat with her about how you feel and see how things go from there.

Charliefx good advice, she is not a mind-reader.
Betty yes you are right, relationships have ups and downs.
Maybe we just need a break from each other.

She does have lots of great points, so would be sad to lose her as a friend.

OP - it sounds as if your friend is indeed quite immature and finds it difficult to look after herself and reaches out to others to do the running in relationships, like a child with its parents. She wants relationships on her own terms and isn't able to meet in the middle.

Robin, friendships are precious things. Try and salvage it if you can and then if it's still not working out, at least u can walk away knowing that u tried your best.

I can relate.

I just had my birthday and my friend of 30+ years didn't even bother sending a mail, text, nothing. Still haven't heard. I incidentally took her out for dinner for hers....
No, I not holding score, it just hurts that she can't even send two words....
I had nicer reactions from complete strangers!

Our meet-ups, few and far between nowadays also always have to be on her terms re. time and location (convenient for her, not me but I am more flexible than her).
She also never wants/has money to go out any more, not even the cinema.

Spends most of her free time with her mother. It's boring.

Please dont stay mates with some simply because of longevity i made this mistake with a group of girls i should of cut ties with years back

And things were so pent up it enend very unpleasntly