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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner can't be arsed to have sex with me

18 replies

RocherChoc · 15/03/2013 09:12

I'm getting increasingly fed up and frustrated at our sex life. We've been together less than a year and it already feels like we've been married 10 years when it comes to sex. We used to have sex every night we were together, sometimes 3/4 times a night so you could say we started off with an excellent sex life. Then we started to see each other more and more so naturally, we didn't feel the need to shag like rabbits when we did sleep together anymore - fair enough. Now we maybe have sex 2/3 times a week (despite the fact that we're practically living together and spend every night sleeping together) and the sex is normally pretty half arsed. The same foreplay every time, quick shag and then sleep. No variations in position, no oral, very limited foreplay (as I said, the same thing every time), no real affection, no caressing of the boobs or anything like that, just straight "down there" and that's it.

He insists on going to bed really late, usually getting on for midnight despite the fact that he starts work at 7am so he's normally "too tired" for sex anyway. On the few occasions that I've managed to convince him to come to bed earlier, he sits there playing on his fecking ipad until he's absolutely knackered.

Last night we started to have sex and mid way through (!!!) he declares that actually he's too tired to carry on - this is despite the fact that we last had sex last Friday so it's not as if I'm at him every night. So, we stop half way through, I'm left feeling fed up and frustrated and he doesn't seem bothered, not even an ounce of embarrassment or realisation.

The worst bit about it was that was probably the last time we'll get to have sex for quite a while now as we're out until very late tonight (so he definately won't have the energy tonight!), he sleeps at his own house on a saturday night and we're going on holiday on Sunday (sharing rooms with the kids for two weeks).

AIBU to think my boyfriend should maybe WANT to have sex with me??

OP posts:
GirlWiththeLionHeart · 15/03/2013 09:20

Doesn't sound good at all. Have you had a heart to heart about it?

Personally, I don't see it getting any better, in fact it will probably get worse. You need to really think if the relationship has enough good points to carry on, or if sex is very important to you I would walk away now.

RocherChoc · 15/03/2013 10:05

We've not spoken about it yet but I can feel it coming. There is a biggish age gap between us (10 years) so could it be that?? Even if he is genuinely tired though surely he could put more effort into coming to bed earlier etc?

OP posts:
Dahlen · 15/03/2013 10:10

If you've been together less than a year, the sex life has waned and he CBA to discuss it or even apologise for leaving you fed up and frustrated, finish it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/03/2013 10:21

Two or three times a week is not exactly a barren wasteland. :) But if you're incompatible this early on, everything's become mechanical/boring/half-hearted, the fun's gone out of it and you're unhappy, don't stick around waiting for something to change. End it and move on to someone more enthusiastic.

GirlWiththeLionHeart · 15/03/2013 10:22

But there was a 10 year age gap when you first got together, didnt stop him shagging you like mad then. This is the real him and you need to think hard if you're willing to compromise. If you can't and carry on regardless, the resentment will seep out into other areas of your relationship.

Sexual compatibility is so important. I would finish it and find someone you have more chemistry with

whimsicalmess · 15/03/2013 10:52

I would finish it tbh, you deserve better and I don't like to be the poster to imply this but are you sure there's no-one else?

badinage · 15/03/2013 10:56

Given the late bed-times and the boring sex, I would think the 'someone else' is some thing else i.e. porn.

MooMooSkit · 15/03/2013 10:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

patienceisvirtuous · 15/03/2013 11:01

I don't think it's the frequency; it's the quality. If you were having sex 2 or 3 times a week and it was great you might feel a lot more satisfied.

Talk to him first; explain how you're feeling. If he won't change, end it.

RocherChoc · 15/03/2013 11:02

He does look at porn, yes.

I don't think there could be anyone else, he's always either at work or with me. I wouldn't be so bothered about the 2/3 times a week if the sex was actually meaningful and he put some effort in. I just don't feel like there is any affection there. Foreplay is robotic and quite rough like he just wants to get it "over and done with" asap. He used to be gentle and affectionate but I guess it was all a bit of an act - either that or he feels that he doesn't need to "bother with all that shit" nowadays.

OP posts:
badinage · 15/03/2013 11:14

It won't improve while he's a porn loser. They are often shit in bed and some of them actually believe the rubbish they watch on screen and think that women get ecstatic at the sight of a penis.

The trouble is probably no woman has ever told him that the sex is crap. Plus I should think he's wanking all the time and has got addicted to low-effort orgasms.

Helltotheno · 15/03/2013 11:14

Well cherchez la porn OP, there's your answer. He'd rather get off to blow up doll types than be with a real live woman.
I'd say waste no time in moving on...

Helltotheno · 15/03/2013 11:15

Well cherchez la porn OP, there's your answer. He'd rather get off to blow up doll types than be with a real live woman.
I'd say waste no time in moving on...

Helltotheno · 15/03/2013 11:19

Oops sorry twice!

Purplemonster · 15/03/2013 11:27

I'm afraid it probably will get worse not better, I was in a very similar situation, talked it through loads of times, nothing changed, stayed together, we've now been together 3 years and the situation has got worse and worse, now I'm pregnant he wont come near me at all Sad
My advice would be to get out now before you've committed too much to the relationship. He wont change.

Sophiekitty · 20/08/2019 17:53

Can anyone help I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years. We had a great relationship. Sex life was good. All of sudden he don't want sex and he's tired. I asked him what's the problem he said. I feel ashamed saying this so forgive me. He goes he's bored of my pussy. I'm 49. And his 37 years old.

Notrusthere · 20/08/2019 18:09

Jesus 😳

Rachelover40 · 20/08/2019 18:11

You have to talk to him about this, RocherChoc. Communication is the key to finding out what is wrong.
All the best Flowers

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