rape: how to tell my partner?

[lilliondaniel]

im sorry that this may be too much info, and i dont know where i could post, but this is really getting me down and i need some one to talk to.

me and my partner have been together over a year, i have a 8 month old lb (not his but taken on as his)

please excuse any grammar, this is the first time i have managed to talk about this, when i was 15 i left home, i had always promised my mum i would never lose my virginity until i was as least. and i stuck to that, until i met this lad, i told him i didnt want to have sex until i was 16. we were great together at first, and then things turned nasty. he turned violent and abusive towards me. until one week before my 16th birthday he convinced to come and see him to make things up. ( i know i was a stupid kid). clearly that wasnt his plan as within ten minutes i was pinned to his floor and he broke my promise. i remember it every day of my life and hate myself every day for falling for his tricks. but i was so scared i just got myself dressed and got my dad to pick me up.

since then i have always been scared to sleep with anyone, until my ex (at 17). he was very patient and eventually when it finally happened, ( nearly 19) i felt like i had done something dirty.

from then on i did it for him, i loved him and knew he wouldnt hurt me, but i have never enjoyed it since. when i fell pregnant he left straight away.

i met my current partner a few months later, and as i was pregnant and it felt wierd to him too, we never slept together. until my lb was 4 months old. and it was wierd. i don't quite know how to put this without too much info, but basically i never realised i was supposed to like sex too. as scared as i was, when i calmed down and relaxed i liked it.

The only problem is ive been having nightmares ever since, well more like flashbacks? and i cant quite understand why now? i wake up crying, paniking and my partners starting to worry. which is why im here,

i feel like if i tell him he might leave? or think its too much to cope with? does anyone think it could help with the nightmares? our relationship? or make things worse?

please help me. im scared to lose him,

I haven't been in your position but didn't want to leave this unanswered.

I would talk first to somebody who knows what they are talking about and can offer advice based on experience of helping others in your position - a rape crisis centre or even the local police or your gp who would be able to point you to other counsellors even if you didn't want to report the rape officially.

And there are people on mn who have suffered as you have and subsequently posted up great advice or others have offered help to them, so do some searches on here to see if there are other things that will help you.

Remember that what helps one person won't necessarily help others so just take the advice that feels like it is right for you and your situation.

You've been really brave in posting here; it's a step in your journey and take the next one when you feel ready.

Although you were so unlucky with your first encounter, he was obviously not right if he thought he could rape you. However, not all men are bad - it sounds like you have found a lovely man so when you feel like it is time to tell him I'm sure he will be supportive and take extra care of you, even if he didn't think he could do that any more than he already does.

And remember to come to Mnet when you need some sisterly support.

Take care of yourself.

Oh just want to give you a big hug you sound like you've been through a lot and I'm guessing that you are only about twenty now. You've had a massive trauma and that is why you are getting flashbacks. You really need to get professional help with this as a good therapist will be able to work with you to diminish the images. You slso need to start believing that most people wouldn't blame you but the low life who raped you. You love your boyfriend do you honestly think any different about you?

Oh sweetheart this is so hard. You blame yourself for trusting someone . You are not to blame but you will probably only see that when your own kids are 15. Can you talk to your doctor? If so they should be able to point you in the right direction for professional help. It sounds to me like you have some kind of trauma reaction going on which is your mind trying to heal itself. But really you do need proper help and professional advice. I would try and get that in place before you talk to your dp cos as he loves you this will be hard for him too. Very big hug.

(((((((((((((((((((((lilliondaniel))))))))))))))

Tell him, he sounds lovely and caring xxxx you need to tell him before he gets paranoid, it also might explain your reaction to certain things so its good to foreworn. Its hard to drop into the convo, so why not show him the thread. "I need to show you something".

Also I think you need to get some help to get your head around what this awful man did to you. I recently saw a leaflet in the drs about rape crisis, an organisation who can organise that for you. Or I'm sure someone else will have some handy links
Never ever feel like its your fault, you didn't break the promise this bastard did.

I'm sure your partner will understand and support you to get your head round it. Xxx

Right I had good friend some time ago
she had been molestated as 14 years old girl by her half brother
it went on for quiet long time and broke her life
she had finally talk to her mum but it was even more heartbreking cos she didnt belived her and accused her of lying and more

so she learn to live whith what had happend to her
she left her house she fergot (well outside)
She had moved on with her live and then 10 years later she had exploded
whith memories pain and humililation

and it broke her life
she tell her family and they acted like we dont want to know
she faced her half brother and once he admited
and laugh at her
he said I was just playing with u but you stupid and nobody will belive you
she told his wife his friends

but he was right nobody belived her and some people just laugh at her and her life become a nightmare

she end up whith massive depression
but two years later she got up
it was the worst time of her live
she cut off fro her familly
she doesnt want to see them anymore

it left huge scar in her soul but now she things she is stronger

It maybe worth trying for you the rape crissis centre

And here is the idea you have got partner
and I know its scary to talk to him about what hapened
maybe just maybe you can tell him story about your"" friend who had been raped""
and look at his reaction
and maybe then you can tell more.....
But only if you trust him

Its is just sugestion
its not good to live with that what happened to u just on your own
it can allways get u and destroy u again like it happened to my friend

but some people are just cruel and some just dont want to know
So maybe ""the friend"" is good for a start

You poor poor thing. I was raped at 15 too. I tended to go the other way though, I then started to sleep around as I blamed myself and had lost all respect for myself. I also ended up in an abusive relationship when I was 19. After that I was a bit luckier with men so I tried to put it all behind me and thought I was over it all but have been dogged with depression on and off all my adult life. And I got drunk one evening and blurted it all out to my dp, it was the first time I'd told anyone. He was great, but I was embarrassed that I'd did it whilst drunk.

You should tell him, but plan when to do it so you are in control. He sounds to me like a good one, so I'm sure he will understand. If he doesn't then that says more about him and not you.

And please try and get some professional help. You may have some PTSD, or at least some unresolved issues. It might take a while, I was referred for counselling in September but have only just been contacted by the service, and still haven't finalised the appointment, but I know I need to deal with it now.

I hope it all goes well for you.

You poor thing. its very brave of you to post, you have been through a lot.

You are not dirty. The man who raped you is. You are worthy of enjoying sex and I hope one day you will.

I think you would really benefit from counselling, please contact Rape crisis or your Gp

I have been in a similar position.

Firstly, it might help to convince yourself that you didn't actually give up your virginity until the kind (ish) ex, who rightly took his time. That's what relationships, and particularly teenage relationships, are supposed to be like. And even though he turned out to be a coward, you have your DS and it's a pretty happy first experience, all told.

Don't think of the rape as sex. It's a sex crime, yes, but primarily it is an act of violence and control. If you had been mugged at fifteen, you wouldn't feel guilt or shame, just anger.

Nobody broke your promise to your mother. I'm on your behalf that that feeling meant you couldn't tell your parents at the time and get the support you needed.

Once you can think in these terms (and believe me, it takes a very long time; I am still working on it after nearly fifteen years) then you will be able to give yourself permission to enjoy sex without worrying that this means you enjoyed being raped.

A call to Rape Crisis would be helpful; your GP should be able to refer you for psychosexual counselling; you may find that a prescription for eg diazepam could help you with the scary flashbacks and there are other treatments for post traumatic stress that might be helpful.

As for telling your partner, any decent man will feel angry on your behalf and want to shield you from further harm and distress. He will not be angry with you, or consider you tainted or dirty. That would be totally absurd. That said, you may feel vulnerable opening up to him in that way, so doing so in the context of a doctor's visit - before or after - might make it feel more of a practical explanation than an emotional confession.

Good luck, and here's another hand to hold.

horryIsUpduffed thank you for that, i had never thought of things like that that, and everyone else. I just dont want him to see me as a victim, or as i call myself 'broken goods'.i made an appointment at my gp for tuesday.

i really need to sort something, before theres no relationship left, and im sick of moving myself on to the sofa instead of bed x

Not the same but similar issues here. I was in an extremely abusive relationship 20 years ago when I had my daughter. People close to me had an idea of what went on but I've never really spoken about it to anyone. I just couldn't.

My now husband is an amazing man who I trust completely. I'm pregnant again and out of the blue a lot of emotions from 20 years ago are bubbling to the surface. It's like ... finally being in a good place has unlocked the box where terrible memories are stored. I think perhaps it's because the good really highlights how bad the past was and also makes you feel safe enough to allow those locked up memories to finally be dealt with. Does that make sense?

Could this be what is happening with you? You've found your happiness so your mind is now trying to shake of the bad that it's been carrying around for years.

• to shake off the bad

lillion I'm glad it was helpful. It certainly helped me. And actually it was largely DH's idea. That's how I know he's a keeper

One step at a time.

lillion I am glad to hear you have made an appointment with your GP. Hopefully they will refer you on for counselling to somewhere like Rape Crisis or somewhere equally useful.

I just want to say to you two things:

I believe you
This is not your fault

The nightmares and flashbacks are extremely common reactions to being raped, it sounds very much like you are suffering from a PTSD reaction and counselling can be very effective in helping to deal with this.

Take care