Here we ago again arguing about sex!

[throwmeakipper]

Even though I used to get turned on I was never good at sex from 18ish, didnt have a clue really and partners at time werent much better so I started off just doing the business (most of the time on alcohol), in general sex was something I did for the partner but never for self satisfaction, never had organism just got on with it, not a lot of feeling there. In my early 20's I married my first husband and there was absolutely no lust there, we hardly had sex and when we did it was awful (I was first sexual partner so clueless) In the end we divorced for many reasons and sex was one. 2nd husband - a little more experienced but the lust was a battle and even from the start of the relationship, it just wasnt there for me. Now 8 years on the arguments on sex continue.

As much as I try to change my mind set, do things different - I have no lust, no real sexual desire, I'm just not bothered and it does not make me feel any closer but hubby thinks its what shapes the relationship. I'm just a dried up old sow as he calls me and I agree.

I try to please him around once a week but its purely for him, I cant in the swing of it, there is no excitement and if there is on the odd occasion its such a let down. I'm sure they missed the switch off when making me.

So much tension in this busy home and I cant stand it!

Are you aware of anything in your background, upbringing or history that puts a block between you fully enjoying sex? Some, for example, grow up being taught that sex is dirty or shameful. Others may have had upsetting sexual experiences early on. Yet more are suppressing homosexuality.

Personally, I've always found that when the sex is crap and/or I can't relax it's because I'm simply with the wrong person and there's no spark. Rather than thinking I have to 'battle' to find the lust (odd concept) when that happens, I read it that we're not compatible & dump the guy... it's quicker.

An arsehole of a man that calls you a 'dried up old sow' and has sex with you once a week even though you really don't want to is not a sensitive or considerate lover. Assuming you don't have any past trauma, I think that's actually where your problem lies.

He calls you a "dried up old sow" and has sex on you when you don't want him to? That is abusive and appalling

"the lust was a battle even from the start of the relationship"

Based on this why did you marry this man when it was your 2nd marriage?

For me, my first marriage taught me everything I didn't want in my second.

You have three options, go and explore your feelings with a counsellor, carry on as you are with someone who speaks to you like shit or leave and be on your own. You may in time meet someone who you are compatible with but you may not.

Not really liking sex is not a crime and being on your own is not a crime either. I would rather that then go through the motions doing something you don't really like on a weekly basis with someone who calls you the things he does.

It looks like you have been with the wrong men.

Sex can be enjoyable even if you don't orgasm if you are with someone who cares and who you feel comfortable with.

If the men in your life are selfish, why should you enjoy sex?

Counselling may help you figure out your actual needs. And move on to men ego you actually enjoy being with.

I can see where you are coming from, wanting to try and please him, especially if you love him, but there's no excuse for name-calling.
DH and me have a very happy sex life, but sometimes, when I 'm not really feeling very sexy or arouseable, I will make love with him so that he is satisfied - and I do this purely to make him happy, he does not demand it. At the end of the day a relationship is give and take, and sometimes I like to give. Sometimes so does he. I do find that the less sex I have, the less I want though, so trying to make it regular is important for us.
the key here is if you are happy to give all of the time then it's not a problem, but as it is making both of you unhappy, you need to take a step further to work on a solution. Many relationships have uneven levels of libido to cope with.
I suggest sexual counselling - you may discover your switch. But if you don't, then counselling will help you both to agree a way forward.
Hth.

Frankly, you'd need your head testing if you loved and desired a bloke who called you names and has weekly sex on you when you aren't enjoying it.

So the best thing here is to cop on to the fact you've only had sex with shit men who were shit lovers. Not all men are like the ones you've had the misfortune to get involved with, but it's better to be on your own than in a relationship like the one you describe.

I've had partners who I had terrible sex with and who I had great sex with. The great sex is with partners who wanted to find out about me, what I liked, take it at my pace and really connect.

The crap partners thought it was my fault the sex was crap because I was frigid. If I'd never had good sex to compare it with I would have believed them.

Both your husbands have been/are crap at sex. If your husband believes it is the core of a relationship, he would make more effort than effectively wanking into you once a week.

You may benefit from psychosexual counselling but I suspect the result would be finding out your partner is a shit partner.

I imagine it is difficult if you have never had these feelings.

Can you find something to stir these emotions - romantic movie, a book (the black lace series was sexy for women, pretty mild imo) and you can buy those on amazon.

Trying to think of an arousing movie, an Officer and a Gentleman maybe, there must be loads though can't think just now, they need to be romantic, not porn imo. Then when you know what you are looking for it is more likely to happen.
And you can make yourself orgasm so at least you know what it's like!

and you need privacy for all of the above to start with.

Have you ever have lustful thoughts about anyone else?

Some people genuinely don't feel sexual attraction at all and this is normal for them - it's called being asexual and if you feel like this might apply you might like a site called Aven - they have forums similar to the way mumsnet does.

However I do think it's possible (because I've been in the same situation) that you might just be with the wrong person - I spent ages feeling like there was something wrong with me, and, yes, like someone forgot the "on switch" when they made me! Absolutely! But when I left XP and just kind of made peace with the fact I didn't really like or want sex and stopped expecting myself to have it because "that's what you do" (Again I know from experience this is a shit way to begin your adult sexual life :() I ended up in relationships where I was having it... and enjoying it, really, for the first time. It was great, and I'm now with DP who is so respectful about it that I can stop right in the middle and say "Actually, this is doing nothing for me." and he'll be fine with it - that might sound fundamental, but I was so so afraid of crossing this barrier before being with him.

I think you might find the aven site interesting and supportive even if you don't find that you identify with it long term. It certainly helped me through a very bleak and depressing period of my life. :)