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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried friend only sees though her child's eyes

4 replies

YouCantTeuchThis · 14/03/2013 22:18

My friend live a fairly isolated life; we are rural, her husband works away and they moved here a year ago. She has not made many friend locally and does not work so often sees no adults face-to-face in the course of her day.

The other day we were discussing school and she mentioned that she was 'raging' about a situation with an older child who is known for being rough with the younger ones. I know of specific examples when this child has actually hurt her child and others so I am not undermining that particular situation. However, I am concerned at the 'over-reporting'.

The problem is that she is only getting the report of her 8yo, and does not see any of the interaction in theplayground, chat with the other parents or in any way seek out the views of others. Her 8yo is also prone to exaggerate so friend is upset that child is getting hurt 'every other day' when it appears it has only happened a handful of times (still needs addressing, I know...)

I suspect friend has encouraged her child to report as she has no other way of knowing what goes on, but would you completely rely on your child to give a non-biased view? Also, do you think this approach encourages attention-seeking 'tale-telling'?

Thankfully, this doesn't involve any of my children, but I have been aware of friend's child 'over-exaggerating' situations before where I have felt it might come across as petty to argue the point...perhaps I should have?!

OP posts:
candyandyoga · 14/03/2013 22:31

Has she spoken to the teacher to get a fuller picture? Can you encourage her to get out to a group situation with you or start a shared hobby etc?

YouCantTeuchThis · 14/03/2013 22:35

Thanks for responding Smile

She intends to have 'harsh words' with the teacher, in the next few weeks... I suggested that perhaps if she felt so strongly she needed to do something sooner. The teacher does have a habit of saying 'no tales!' to the kids, which I don't really agree with - fine is it's minor but not if someone is genuinely hurt!

I have tried encouraging, but after a year I feel like I am harassing her.

OP posts:
candyandyoga · 14/03/2013 22:56

I don't get the 'no tales' approach, and for a teacher to say it... That's wrong!

Why isn't she going in sooner?! That's odd. She needs to go in and have a chat, not 'all guns blazing'!

YouCantTeuchThis · 14/03/2013 23:05

Exactly... I don't underestimate how upsetting it is for your child to regularly come home and burst into tears, but I have seen am aware that het child sometimes only reports after being given a row at which point uses it as a reason for not playing nice/tidying up/being grumpy.

I suggested that she sit down with dc and actually log 'offences'... I think this might force things into perspective. Whilst being fair to others?

OP posts:
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