Hi everyone..this is the first time i have even visited this site and Im not sure what Im doing but I really need some help and advice...i apologise not but this may be a bit epic...
My husband left nearly 5 years ago, when i was pregnant with our youngest daughter. I was really lucky to meet another guy, however although we get on amazingly he has struggled with my 3 children and has left me 4 times, for varying lenghts of time but genernally about 4/5 months..and then wanted to come back. the first time he left was after us being together a short while, but once he met the children he just didnt want to do the whole kid thing (he didnt live with us at that point obviously)..we broke up which really devestated me even then...after about 6 weeks he asked if we could get back together..so we did. Things were great for a while and he became more involved with the children and although he didnt move in he spend more and more time at my house (he has no children of his own and has never even really lived with a girl!!) however it did seem that i was more like a trophy and he really only wanted to spend proper time with me during the times that the chiodren were with their dad and despite him telling me hed fallen in love with me etc things go worse and worse and he would start being rather horrible to me - verbal stuff - and get more and more distant. After about 6 months things were that bad that for my childrens sake we broke up in the october. Again, devstated but even more so this time..another awful xmas..but in the january he wanted to come back again....he had been miserable, still loved me so much and even that he missed the children..so i took him back..again he becmae more involved with the children, well tried to, and things were ok for a while and he more or less moved in..however..the same things started to happen..he became distant, never did anything with the children to help me out or do much family stuff and again, i began to feel rather taken for granted and a part time girlfriend for when i didnt have the kids....so by the august things were that bad that again he left...i was beside myself by now and the poor kids didnt know whether they were coming or going. This time my now ex boyfriend acutally upped stick and left the country to do anti piracy stuff out in somlia...he moved out in the sept and had left the country by start of jan. For me i thought that i would now be able to move on and get him out of my head and heart..however he had been out of the uk for one week when he text me telling me he had f**ked up big time and would i ever forgive him...despite him working at sea and not coming home for another 2 months I did..again..and he continued this job, coming home for a few weeks and being away for 2 months..it worked well, we all missed him and he missed me AND the children. He decided off his own back to quit this job after the year and go back to his old job and move in with us properly as he wanted to be here for us all..he proposed and everything and I truyl thought all was going to be great...however..if im honest, one week of being back from this job and moving in, knowing he wouldnt be going back over seas to work in a few weeks he started to go back to how he did evey other time..being horrible i guess to me, blaming me for everything, not wanting to spend time with us, or me and infact 2012 was THE worst, longest, most emotionally diffculy and drainging year of my life..and yep despite us being engaged he moved out in August. You have prob guessed what i am going to say next..but in the 7 months he has been gone i love him no less..in fact more and i know he feels the same..he has been miserable and doesnt want to be with anyone else but me...i guess what want advice with is what the hell do i do. I feel i have put my children through enough turmoul but i love this guy and cant imagine my life with out him...is there anythign we can do to help him with the children, to undersrtand and learn maybe how to take on a step parent type roll..or am i just being totally stupid...we have chatted a couple of times over the last few months about what we can do but nothing has come of it..mainly due to fear on my part..we talked today and I layed my feelings totally bare and this is n0w last ditch effort as to is there anyway we can work this through or like i said am i being completely insane and setting myself up for the biggewt fall..
thanks guys..sorry its soooooo epic and i hope i have not bored you to death...i was in tears typing it as i just dont know what to do xxxxxxxxxx