is it unfair to date if you don't know what you want?

[Mitchy1nge]

I feel like I'm being really horrible if I see someone more than a few times, get a bit sexual then panic that they will stalk me cool off and move on. I never pretend that I'm looking for anything serious or lasting though, so it's ok, isn't it?

All's fair in love and war. Don't be deceitful and try not to deliberately hurt people's feelings but otherwise it's OK to have fun and play the field. However, you may want to have a look at why you always panic & withdraw the minute anything looks serious ...

It's OK as long as you're honest about what you are doing, and do not lead on someone who you come to believe is looking for a more durable relationship.

As long as you're honest and upfront and don't lead people on you're doing nothing wrong.

Agree with cog that you might want to look into why you panic over it though.

yeah yeah I know, have some sort of phobia of other people's neediness availability

I hope I wouldn't hurt someone on purpose, I never pretend to be exclusively interested in them or make any promises - think we have been sold a lie about men though, they seem more desperate to couple up than most women I know (or do they think that is what they have to feign to secure access to minge?)

but do wonder if I should have a clearer idea of what I want

The main question to ask yourself is do you feel good about yourself following all these short, slightly sexual, hastiy exited relationships... easily casting men aside without a backward glance and moving onto the next one... or, at any level, do you feel slightly dissatisfied with the process? Snacking on junk food fills a gap but you can't beat a few square meals... if you get the analogy.

I feel like I'm being quite horrible but I can't just go out with someone if I don't even like them very much can I? You don't really know until a few dates in, then they start making assumptions.

Why is it difficult?

If you don't want to worry about hurting someone then maybe don't sleep with them until a good few dates in, when you know if it's worth pursuing iyswim.

Not in a judgey way btw!! Just because for some people, sex makes things more intense. Not everyone mind.

Are you dating for the fun of it or are you actively seeking something that will eventually become a relationship but always getting a few dates in and thinking 'no thanks'?

It can be really hard! It's hard to know if people are what they seem etc straight away.

I don't think you're being horrible the way you describe it. No, you can't know someone after one or two dates. The fact that you seem to choose men (I'm assuming men) keen on keeping you around for ever probably means you're just very attractive. I have the same problem myself...

I'm dating for the fun of it with a view to seeing what happens? I would like a convenient arrangement that doesn't interfere with my life too much but 1. fuck buddies sounds so squalid and 2. only really young men seem interested in it and I want someone my own age

it is hard to turn down schlong if you are me though!

no I'm not attractive, not physically (or any other way once you get to know me) but maybe am drawn to proprietorial types or something?

Mitchy, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Some people simply don't want a long-term committed relationship, and after all they are not compulsory. It sounds like you are being honest with other people, so their feelings are their own responsibility (no one owes it to anyone else to maintain or deepen a relationship, just because the other person has developed deeper feelings).

My only word of caution would be that some men's egos can't hack a woman being comfortable with casual sex: they get so insulted and angry that they pursue such a woman like mad and do everything to 'win' her and make her want a more lasting relationship... and as soon as she admits or implies that her feelings have changed, they cool off, sometimes brutally. It might be worth being on your guard against that, but if you are happy with lighthearted flings then don't listen to people who insist you need therapy or any such bullshit. The pressure on women to form and maintain longterm relationships is a social construct that's designed for men's benefit, not women's.

Another thought.... maybe these men get quite serious because you are rather casual with them? We all know what a turn-off clingy is so maybe you've hit paydirt with your approach :) BTW how old is 'someone my own age'?

oh I love you sgb!

early 40s cog (soft spot for you too)

yeah have heard that three times recently, from different men, that I am/feel like a challenge so it's not that they even like me, they want what they think they can't have

Well sounds like other people find you attractive Mitchy

And if you're telling them that's what you want, not something too full on but not ruling out the possibility of something developing then that's good.

Sounds like you don't want to be fuck buddies with someone but you also want to take the dating thing very slowly & lightheartedly?

If that's what you're explaining from the start then you shouldn't feel bad if someone hears what they want to iyswim.

thanks targaryen, you have given me some vocabulary to use next time a date asks what I want from dating - slowly and lightheartedly sounds great instead of going 'oh god I don't know, do we have to have this conversation'

Early 40s I think quite a lot of men are looking for a carer, or at least a place to rest their slippers... :) I remember dumping one boyfriend about that age when he started on the 'let's just have dinner at yours' bollocks ... and I got the impression he was mentally measuring for curtains!

oh god both those scenarios are out of the question - 1. am not moving a man into my house while I still have a dependent child at home and 2. I can barely care for myself

at the mental image of a man sizing up your place for curtains when you're back's turned cog

If you're being honest then don't worry about it. Have fun