Is this how it goes?

[catkin14]

As per previous posts earlier in week, I told my manipulative OH that we are over and that i am moving out on Friday.

I was very honest with him and said he wasnt totally shocked.

However I have spoken to him today because he has just discovered all of a sudden how important his family are to him and he is saying his life is over, he cant bear the pain, he is a total emotional wreak.

He also tells all this to DS who cant cope with his fathers emotions and feels very sad for him.
Ive told him he cant do this, he must remain an adult for his DS.

Does this sound like some one who would end it all? I feel a bit worried about him, but he is a very selfish self centred man so not sure.

Is this how H's react after a break up?

It's attention seeking. Totally wrong of him to pull your DS into anything like this.

The fact that you are posting your concerns means he's getting exactly the reaction he wanted out of you.

Be strong and move on.

If he makes any threats to harm himself, call the police

He will only waste their time once, however he will consider your time infinite

Tell him to shut the fuck up whining to a child...tape him and play it back...how shameful

IME of suicide (admittedly limited, thank goodness) the kind of person that makes a big song and dance about wanting to end it all is unlikely to actually do it. The real danger are the quiet ones that say nothing.

You describe him as manipulative & selfish and this is all just more attempts at manipulation. If you show him he's not having an effect I think you'll find, after a few days, he swaps the 'poor me' act for anger and blame. Get ready....

Only you and people who know him can judge this, not strangers on the internet with just a few sentences to go on.

It is not true that those who threaten to kill themselves never do. If you're concerned, seek proper advice (Samaritans/gp/family/friends)

Wish you all the best.

Poor DS, having a father offloading so inappropriately. I take it you know about this because DS told you? Does DS have any strategies to deal with the situation as/when his dad starts up again?

And if your OH is telling you that his life isn't worth living (as opposed to threatening immediate self-harm), point him towards support - GP, Samaritans, but decline to be his 'counsellor'.

In my experience empty threats like this are part of The Script.

You really need to make protecting DS from being a pawn in this emotional blackmail your top priority.

Thank you all.
I have suggested to him to get counselling or help but he says he will deal with it in his own way. He has no friends and says im am his best friend and the only person he wants to talk to.
But I cannot deal with his emotions as well as my own.
I have talked to DS about things and he is happier. We are moving out tomorrow so will be away from reminders etc which i hope will help.

It makes me feel so bad which i suppose is what he is after hoping that i will stay, but i told him he wouldnt want me to stay with him just cos i felt sorry for him.

This is all very hard.
Thanks for support though

Too little, too late. He had ample opportunity to assess and try harder.

Good luck.

Yes, this is how it goes.

He will threaten suicide and use the child as a pawn over and over. ?Only you can help him.? The doctors will be persuaded that he is devastated but not a danger to himself of others but the worst of the manipulative behaviour will be kept especially for you.

Each time, the suicide drama will become more elaborate until one day you call the cops and they threaten him with wasting police time. Each time he will reduce you to a quivering wreck and destroy a little piece of you, his parents, siblings and children. Twunts like this don?t stop to think how their actions traumatise those around them.

Then he will move on to anger, accusing you of sleeping to x, y and z while claiming to still love you and want you back. He will go out of his way to try and prove this - you?ll be followed and checked-up on constantly.

Then denial; you are still his, always will be and that gives him the right to follow you, hack your email, phone and stalk you.

Then outright hostility; comments about your weight, parenting, choices and any new partners will all be wrong. You will have ?changed.? This will all be done by text and email as he hasn?t the balls to say it to your face.

It will take a fortress of strong support from family, friends and a counsellor to make you see that none of this is your fault. It will take several medical professionals to tell you to walk away, if he kills himself, then that?s his decision and you are not responsible. To focus on your child. That he is the weak one, unable to cope with a life crisis.

If you don?t want this to happen to you, walk away and only have polite contact regarding the child from now on. Do not engage in personal chats, be ?friends? or indulge him.

I?m new here but I wish you well.

"I have suggested to him to get counselling or help but he says he will deal with it in his own way"

You suggested he got help. He's going to deal with it himself. Your obligation & responsibility has therefore ended and whatever he chooses to do or not do next is entirely his decision. Hope you and your DS have a lovely life.

Welcome to MN, tight

I hope you are going to stick around. We need more people around to call out these nasty, inadequate manipulators. There is too much excusing of this pathetic behaviour, IMO

Yup. take a deep breath and disengage. It doesn't matter how he feels, he had his chance and he chose to carry on behaving like a shit. If he becomes aggressive, don't be afraid to involve the police, you will not be wasting their time.

It's OK to end a relationship that's making you unhappy, you do not need his permission to leave him. Best of luck, access all the support you need (Women's Aid, friends, family etc and there's always plenty on MN).

Hi AF I suspect we may be cut from the same cloth. Lurked a while but having come out the other side of a stuff-like-this-doesn't-happen-me jaw dropper, held together by the most amazing fortress, it's time I gave back

OP: You are absolutely doing the right thing, as Cogito said, you have suggested help but he wants it all about you. His way. Leave the manchild to it and mind yourself and your DC xx

Thanks for all advice, helped calm me down a lot.

This forum is so helpful, makes you feel you not alone and others have the tee shirt etc.

I am talking about 26 years of this now, so very hard to walk away.
But thats what Im doing. But last nights conversation with him was totally me, me ,me.

Hoping my children will still love me and that they will be ok, only have the 1 at home now.

Really scary and cant see out of the fog yet but im sure it will come.

It will come when you detach from him and his dramas

Catkin. I have THE t-shirt on this

My ex leant on one of my DC terribly. He increased the pressure on her knowing I'd buckle

...but I didn't

We went through a very bad 6 months as his behaviour became more and more appalling. Mental illness/suicide claims, financial suicide (he went bankrupt), left his job, almost became homeless...all designed to force me to 'rescue' him

I remain furious to this day that this behaviour impacted worse on his DC

(Eventually he gave up his behaviour)

My advice: suggest counselling to your DC

My DC had counselling £40 a week which I didn't have but 6 sessions later she was rational and able to see the behaviour for what it was

Be strong

The fog will lift.

Your kids will always love you.

It's time you detached and let this weakling drift away on his own self pity. You have served your time - more than - make the next 20 years count for you.