First DP and first break up

[runoverhere]

Bit of a background - I thought that everything was good with our relationship, except for dp of 13 years being a bit stressed out (we were looking at buying a house and starting a family).

Then dp confessed that I am not attractive to him (but that I am physically attractive), I'm not interesting to him and that he feels for me like a flatmate.

We have no children and I have since moved out.

He says he doesn't know what he wants, might be having a midlife crisis and thinks he needs some space.

We see each other once per week (at most) for a slightly awkward date.

So my question - Why would he keep seeing me? If you had an ex that you weren't attracted to and thought was boring etc, wouldn't you end it properly and stop seeing them? If you cared for them at all you would want them to move on and find happiness, surely?

Did he not mean what he said or did he mean it and wants to make the break but is trying to soften the blow by drawing it out?

Do you want to get back together?

It sounds like he is keeping his options open, just in case nothing better comes along.

He's trying to be the nice guy. He's not dumping you, but has put you in a position where you will have to dump him. And you do see that you have to, don't you?

Next time he rings to arrange your date, tell him you're going on a proper date with someone who thinks you're amazing.

I think he is trying to gradually separate from you. it's hard to just end it like that, and not have any doubts. he is testing out his new single life whilst keeping you on the back burner in case he doesnt like it quite as much as he thought he would.

dont be his fallback girl.

Firstly dont lie to him about going on a date with someone else, just do it, GO on a date with someone else even if it's Quasimodo who cares its a date not marriage

I bet you'll suddenly become a WHOLE lot more interesting to him if you develop new interests (and dates) of your own - why are you hanging around waiting for him to arrange a date with you every week?

"He's trying to be the nice guy" - that sounds exactly like him. I think that's spot on.

Yes, I want to get back together.

Unfortunately, I'm far from ready to go out with someone else. I'd just spend the whole time crying.

I think you may have to point out to him that as you have spilt up he doesn't get to keep you.
It must be heartbreaking for you, but you need to put some distance there. Its not fair to you to keep you dangling, it just prolongs it and makes it more difficult for you to move on with your life.

It sounds like the best thing to do would be to make a clean break. Tell him no more dates, it's officially over and not to contact you anymore.

He's not showing you any respect at all, you deserve better.

He still feels something... But less than you deserve

I think you have to regain the power here. Currently he's like the theatrical agent saying 'don't call us, we'll call you' and leaving you dangling waiting for The Almighty to make his decision. It's not the behaviour of a 'nice guy' at all ... it's very cruel.

Bollocks to that!

He's gone. Time to cut the contact and make a life for yourself in which he doesn't feature. Maybe you can be friends in the future but not now. You may not feel like dating particularly but there's lots else you can do to boost your social life and embrace independence.

Actually its me making the dates. But, he always says yes without any hesitation.

I will stop that now. And organise something fun for me to do myself this weekend.

If he calls me I will try to say no and that I don't want to spend time with someone that thinks I'm boring and unattractive. How do I say this while keeping it together?

Another question - how do you sign off on an email to a soon to be ex (purely practical email about splitting finances) - kind regards, love, cheers, thanks, xx - none of these are right?

If you want to stay together, I think seeing him like this is one of the worst things you can do. You are showing him uyu will settle for crumbs of his attention.

So I'm pleased to see you will stop calling him. You don't need to make any explanation about why you don't want to send time with him: just say "no thank you" if he asks you out, or do not respond if he appears to be hinting.

You don't need to put anything when you sign off. Just your name.

And you might like to look at the Baggage Reclaim website.

He's keeping you in reserve.

In your position I would not want to get back together, as I would not want to be with someone who didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to be allowed to have me!

I would be mortified to be in a relationship with anyone who had actually said to me that they didn't find me attractive or interesting. You would never, ever forget such comments and would probably spend the rest of your time together feeling horribly insecure about yourself.

Don't let him do you any favours.

"I will try to say no "

To quote the great and wise Yoda in Empire Strikes Back.... "Do or do not. There is no try". No need for explanations or justifications to a man who finds you unattractive and boring. 'No' is a complete sentence. E-mails can just finish without sign-offs.

Do not see him. Go completely no contact. He has told you he doesn't want to be with you.

I had this. I was told all the fun had went out of our relationship and he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I went no contact and he came back a month later asking for dates, which I went on because I was still head over heels for him. He then proceeded to go back and forth for the next year, wanting me ,not wanting me. I was all over the place. It finally stopped when he found someone else.

I wish I'd never agreed to see him again after that first month, I could have moved on easier. Your priority now is you, not him or what he is thinking. He is only looking out for himself and not your feelings, even though he doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you, have fun with you and is attracted to you.