Would you approach the Ex Wife?

[LemonDrizzled]

I have been with DP for 18 months. His ExW left him 3+ years ago for OM. They have 3 DC who are young adults. We all get on fine. I have met ExW twice and she is chilly but polite.

Coming up is an activity for the oldest DC that we wanted to go to to support him. ExW has told DP she is uncomfortable going if I am there. So I have dropped out cheerily because DC1 is the priority and would presumably prefer having both his DPs there.

My question is this: Should I try to talk to her and reassure her that I care about her DC and will always act in their interests because it makes DP happy? Or just leave it to DP to negotiate with her? He can't see why she has a problem with me as we met two years after she left. He doesn't get that this is an emotional reaction.

What would you do?

Evil stepmums need to stick together.

Your name is making me hungry btw.

Fair play to you Lemon and glad it's worked out so that you can attend.

As I always seem to be pointing out on here, the things new partners hear about their partners' exes is heavily filtered through the lens of the people who've broken up with them. It must be really hard to see an ex objectively after hearing all that, but the truth is everyone involved will have their slant on it and people are different when they are unhappy.

If this woman is 'serious-minded' and that's not just someone else's assessment of her, looking at this optimistically it's a win-win for the DCs because if this goes the distance, they'll have a set of parental figures with complementary natures; eccentric dad, serious mum, fun and affectionate SM and as yet unknown characteristics in their SD figure. But of course people change depending on the relationships they are in. She might be less 'serious' now she doesn't have to be the sensible one in a partnership with an eccentric. I'm sure you're different in this relationship to the way your ex might have described you in your marriage to him eh?

Well it all went fine in the end. ExW popped round to collect her tickets and DP was up a tree (!) so I fetched them and chatted to her about the evening and said I hope she wouldn't mind me being there. She relaxed a bit and it turns out her DP has big family problems and isn't around and she is stressed. I told her about "practising for weddings" and we parted civilly. Then the event was amazing and DC was a star. We were all excited for him. result!

I'm so pleased.

What a smart move of yours to confront the situation head-on. She was probably feeling a bit vulnerable as her partner is not around and wasn't able to attend. Most people are at heart reasonable and respect an honest conversation about the potentially sensitive situation of blended families getting on. Well done.

Well done, OP. It always cheers me up to hear about parents/step-parents behaving as mature adults for the sake of the children. Glad you had a good time.

How nice. Great everything turned out well.