Feel like I've done it all wrong - how to mend it

[stuckinrut]

I will try to keep this brief.

Met my husband when we were very young. We moved to London and both had good jobs. Mine was in a career I loved, he didn't enjoy his quite so much but still on good money. We had a really good lifestyle, things going well.

We moved out after DS2 was born to be closer to DH's family. I gave up my job to be SAHM for a while. I didn't enjoy it so started working again but in no way like I was before (v glamourous job, lots of travel etc).

DH has a job but the money's not great, he is capable of much much more but isn't bothered/doesn't want the hassle.

I see all my old friends still having amazing lifestyles etc and see our friends' careers rocketing.

I feel like I have given up too much. He's not that bothered about lifestyle but I also feel like he hasn't kept up his end of the bargain. He has everything he wants and I don't.

It's not him so much as I feel a loss of power over our situation. I'M ambitious and driven and I'm frustrated that he is not.

I have asked him time and again to get more involved in pickups/house stuff etc so that I can work more but he claims that he can't. He wants me to work, says it's my decision etc, wants the extra money I can bring in but not if it means he has to change his routine.

My feeling is that he can't have it both ways. Either he has an OK, reliable, secure job which means he can afford to be a bit more flexible, or he goes all out to really push himself and earn far more, leaving me to sort out the practicalities.

I'm frustrated. I realise I sound spoilt and there are people in much worse situations.

I do really love him but I'm feeling resentful and disappointed. I don't want to feel like this and realise that I have to do something about it.

But if I go all out to get my career restarted, I think I will feel better about myself but I'm going to run myself into the ground, whilst he reaps all the benefits of a better standard of living.

I should never have given up my job, sold our London property etc. I know there are loads of benefits, grass is always greener etc but I'm miserable.

That sounds like he does nothing, that's not true.

He does do a lot of the grocery shopping, food etc and pulls his weight with the children when he can. However it seems like it's always on his terms.

If he's home, he's home. He usually is but won't commit to being there to pick them up 'just in case he has to work late'

You don't spoiled to me. You sound like you have given everything for your family, while your H has done nothing except make his life easier.

I would sit him down and calmly explain to him that his attitude is ruining your marriage. He can't have it all his own way.

He need commit to his family and doing more school runs, general family household duties so you can work more or he finds a better job.

Thanks, that makes me feel better.

He's one of those people who will always come up with a reason for not doing something. Always has an excuse.

It's exhausting.

You need to tell him his excuses are exhausting and he needs to stop making them.
Get going with re-launching your career anyway. You are unhappy now so this might go some way to making you happier in yourself.

i agree with wdipi! cake and eat it is what comes out from your msg. altho i had a good job i became a SAHM (no problems with that), because DH wasnt brill around the house/child care, i was happy to take over. but i didn't give up what sounds like a fab career. no wonder you miss it. get back to it girl. tell him what's what (in a nice way obv.) you can earn good money and he can sit strumming a guitar in the garden if he wants to. he sounds like a nice bloke underneath and you obviously love him, but DH needs to know how you feel. he isnt being fair. your resentment won't go away. get this problem aired asap.

Not committing is exactly the same as not doing. Doesn't respect you or your time or who you are. It means that his 'contribution' does not benefit you in any meaningful way.
This needs to be had out before it goes any further.

I think it's already gone too far

It's only now that I notice how much our friends do, despite having more responsible jobs.

Constantly met with 'well it's alright for him [insert excuse here]'

I feel like I've been knobbled. His view is 'if you want it, go out and earn it' which is actually fair enough but what he means is 'once you've done everything else'

'His' view - one of the many held by my abusive ex - reminds me of the line from 'Another Country' about people who want a comfortable life and a clear conscience and have the right to neither one nor the other. If he is not supporting you to the extent that you are supporting him, his lip service to recognizing that your life is as relevant as his is just that: so much shite hot air.

Stuckinrut Assume now a laser-like focus on your career! He will never work harder. I am coming out of a 25 year marriage & thank goodness I have always worked through all children and have a very solid career as my base.

If he won't do stuff, get paid help to do it and split cost from both of your salaries. Good luck and go for it!

You are right Moan. But notice that you and I are both 'out'.
The practicalities are, probably, not the main point, here.
The psychological dragging down of living with someone for whom your happiness is not important enough to commit to fetching the kids from school cannot be underestimated.

sounds like you saying either my husband works really hard and i look after the kids or he does it more so I can work really hard. Either way your kids lose out on one of you....is it possible that your husband doesnt see the neccessity for either of you to work really really hard......is this so bad?/

mungo I don't think the question is about childcare or parent time. It is about commitment to shared responsibility and one partner not being 'more important' than the other one. Correct me if I am wrong OP.

That's kind of the opposite of what I'm saying.

I actually want my husband to work LESS hard, and for me to make up the difference.

He works really hard at the moment with long hours.

I don't think he needs to. He is far more capable than his job and could be earning more for less effort.

At the risk of playing amateur shrink, I think he likes working flat out in a job he hates. He is comfortable with that. He seems to think that enjoying your job or making it work for you is 'cheating'.

I'm fine with his salary etc if he'd just turn round to his boss and say - I have to go and pick the kids up now. But he won't.

stuck use my example as a cautionary tale.
Asking my ex for any regular commitment was out of the question
'Can't say a day for picking the kids up from school/sport/anywhere. How can I possible know in advance that I will not have something important on
Even one day in advance was not feasible:
'Might have a last minute important thing on
It was so ridiculous that he would not commit to even an hour ahead
'How do I know I won't get a last minute call?'
However,
occasionally,
I would get a call 5 minutes before a child had to be picked up
'I am on my way and can pick DC up'
That was NO f*ing good to me (most of these rare times I was already in the car), but but it did serve the purpose of feeding his delusion impression that he was a reliable father and husband dedicated to his wife and children.
Oh, and I don't think it matters what job your DH does; my ex's job, according to him, was much more important than his family 'really very important'. Any excuse will do.
If you are to get beyond this, there has to be a meeting of minds and common vision.
Only you know whether that is worth trying for, but life is too short to be eaten up by frustration (that was the cautionary bit of my tale )