What can I do? Is it worth the effort?

[deedo]

So... I have been with my DH for 13 years, married for 7. We have a 20 month old. I am better paid and less qualified than him, which is an ongoing issue. He has no friends of his own and a difficult relationship with his family. I have a relationship with my parents that requires work, but that is supportive and open.

Since my DS was born our relationship has been on the slide. Bickering, petty arguments, no resolution... It's exhausting. He never appears to move on from issues and seems to keep a catalogue of slights and previous conflict ( in detail, so that he can quote) and as a result I feel stuck. The outcome of the majority of our arguments seems to be that I am unreasonable ... I am tired ( DS has never slept through) and do have a hot temper, but I feel suffocated, whenever I strongly express an opinion I am told "to stop arguing" if I am emotional I am accused of " emotional blackmail " I literally can not win!

DH finds my mum and dad hard work, they provide up to two days of childcare for us so they are not 'avoidable'. They can be difficult but they love our son, are ultimately well meaning and have tried to welcome my DH to the family. He never raises his issues directly with them ( taking shoes off, using key to come in, not greeting him or directly saying goodbye, feeling they are disinterested in him) and I now feel stuck in the middle.

I raised his issues with my parents, hoping that might help, but this was the wrong thing to do and he is now determined to avoid them!

I am at a loss as to what I can do to move things on, we are stuck in this loop of argument, recrimination, insult, increasing resentment and hostility. Not the environment I want to raise my son in, not the environment I want to live in.

If I am honest I think a lot of our issues stem from his low self esteem and his desire to avoid conflict at all costs, but part of me fears that there is an element of control at play too - he has incredibly high standards and doesn't seem to like of need a lot of people ( including his own family) I am not prepared to push away the people that care about me, perhaps this is part of the problem?

I guess I am looking for support, advice, proactive suggestions. I pretty desperate, feel incredibly responsible, sad and lonely. Throw me a scap ..... this is shit!

Is he working FT? Are you back at work FT? How much is he doing in terms of looking after your DS?

Be honest: has he always been like this and now the demands of looking after a young child have heightened it all? He sounds like very hard work. The keeping track of slights and offences sounds particularly wearing - in fact that doesn't sound like a desire to avoid conflict, just a desire to criticise without receiving criticism back.

He works FT ( flexi) an looks after my DS every other week for x 1 day. I work 4 days a week. He is a great Dad and very good with our DS - very involved, very hands- on, very capable, very responsive).

Sorry posted too soon, the other point you make is interesting and one I'll reflect on - perhaps what I perceive as conflict avoidance is just a way of always winning! Before we had out DS ( who was loved, planned, wanted ) we didn't argue very often, he has always been pretty set in his ways ( a bit old before him time) and is bright and pretty sharp tongued but nothing that made me think we would be here, so quickly ... Otherwise I might have made different choices ( ho hum)

So what are the 'high standards' he has that cause problems? Are they about housework, about the ways people interact with him, etc? You mentioned him being annoyed at your parents not taking shoes off etc but that he doesn't want to speak to them about it - not really on to expect people to do something but not be prepared to tell them! However, them not saying hello or goodbye to him doesn't sound like the friendliest thing either. Why don't they? Do they say it to you but not him? I would find that offputting tbh.

You sound like, frankly, you have a lot of difficult people around you. I think you probably don't like conflict yourself (I am the same) and prefer to try to avoid it or smooth it over. But it seems that you are getting pushed around by your husband and possibly your parents in the meantime.

Who gets up in the night with your DS - do you split that? You mention that you are tired. That doesn't help.

We both take it turns getting up, but my sleep is fractured and I seldom feel refreshed ( perhaps because of all the other crap!).

My husband likes things done his way, he is a bit of a neat freak and has always struggled with the fact I'm not. He also has a view on how people should behave and sets high standards for those around him ( hence the no friends), my parents are a bit emotionally blunt, both ex teachers who are used to being in control, they could be more engaging - I have raised this with them and talked through what might help.

I have never considered myself as someone who avoids conflict t ( I'm pretty strong, feisty and do a job where I am fundamentally paid to tell people things they don't want to hear) - I may have unfairly represented myself, I can be confrontational, I do not tend to readily ask for help and am a bit of a control freak at times.

OK, I have to head off but will check back later.

Any advice would be very gratefully received!