Why does this hurt me! What would you do?

[Tiggs2]

I've always known and been friendly with a lot of people during my life but only ever had a couple of close friendships. My OH is my best friend and has been for many years, but I do have two female pals who I have known for 20 years. They are both very different in character and personality, and I admit I was much closer to one of them, well until recently anyway. We only ever used to spend the odd afternoon together but always sent regular texts, had long phone chats and generally knew what was happening in each others lives. That all seemed to change last year when the texts and promised calls got further apart, and it was always the same excuse of "sorry been really busy", but I thought to myself, not too busy that you hadn't visited Facebook that day! There seemed to be a couple of new friends on the scene who appear a bit "rough", not like the type of people she has been friends with before, really bad language used on FB, along with fall outs with people etc. I'm not saying that we are snobs, not by a long chalk, but I'm surprised really. I got so far behind with what was going on in her life that I was starting to think that she couldn't really be bothered telling me anymore, it even it took her about three or four days to reply to my texts. In return she didn't know when things had happened in my life, and did not seem really bothered anyway. Saying this though when members of her family have been unwell, Ive sent regular messages to ask how things are, but the same doesn't apply to me or mine. I was worried about my OH for a time but no message or calls offering support. I have even offered to call in for a cuppa but have been told its not a good time! My friend has let me down a couple of times aswell in the past, but ive just let it pass, So though we remain close friends to date, I get annoyed when I get a text out of the blue asking for a favour! The messages come across as how are you etc, but there is usually something I am needed for at the end. I asked a very, very, small favour last week, have also asked three times prior, but so far I havent had a reply from her as she obviously couldn't be arsed, so I am sat here now wondering what the excuse is now. I know that she will leave it as long as possible, then text me when she thinks ive forgotten about it. It makes me angry because me and my OH went to hers two weeks ago as she needed something doing! I think the most hurtful thing to date was my Birthday, Ive always had a card and small gift, but this time a card never came for me and as I was going away on a break then, I got a text to say we will go out when you get back and you can have your card then, even though it would then be 9 days past my Birthday, no apology, nothing. My OH never got a card either this time, and though its not that important, I have always had them off her in the past. About 10 months ago a person we both knew died suddenly, and with all the upset my friend said that "both" of us should make an effort to spend more together as life is too short! I then suggested meeting up once every four weeks or so for lunch/shopping but was told "yeah but I don't go shopping much now and also I'm saving for a holiday". I just feel hurt and a bit let down by all this as she has always been my closest friend and if we do get on the phone, we tend to chat for ages like nothings happened, though this rarely happenes now. Can I ask for your opinions please and what would you do?

Tiggs2 I hope you don't mind, but I found your post a bit hard to read, so I broke it down a bit and re-post below in case it's easier for others to read to and help with replies.

FWIW, I think your friend is distancing herself from you. It may be conscious or only semi-conscious at best but she's finding herself a new friendship group and they are absorbing her attentions and energy.

Your friend may well not wish to "cut the thread" with you actively and might even deny that's what she is doing if you ask, but in practice cutting the thread is the outcome of her behaviour.

And I doubt that you can change her. You could try pointing out to her that the only time you hear from her is when she wants something and leave the ball in her court to see if she gets in touch and tries to keep the friendship going...but to be honest I'm not sure what else you can do.

It is sad and it's a friendship that has been important to you and her for years but it may be changing now.

OP POST
I've always known and been friendly with a lot of people during my life but only ever had a couple of close friendships.

My OH is my best friend and has been for many years, but I do have two female pals who I have known for 20 years. They are both very different in character and personality, and I admit I was much closer to one of them, well until recently anyway.

We only ever used to spend the odd afternoon together but always sent regular texts, had long phone chats and generally knew what was happening in each others lives. That all seemed to change last year when the texts and promised calls got further apart, and it was always the same excuse of "sorry been really busy", but I thought to myself, not too busy that you hadn't visited Facebook that day!

There seemed to be a couple of new friends on the scene who appear a bit "rough", not like the type of people she has been friends with before, really bad language used on FB, along with fall outs with people etc. I'm not saying that we are snobs, not by a long chalk, but I'm surprised really. I got so far behind with what was going on in her life that I was starting to think that she couldn't really be bothered telling me anymore, it even it took her about three or four days to reply to my texts.

In return she didn't know when things had happened in my life, and did not seem really bothered anyway. Saying this though when members of her family have been unwell, Ive sent regular messages to ask how things are, but the same doesn't apply to me or mine. I was worried about my OH for a time but no message or calls offering support.

I have even offered to call in for a cuppa but have been told its not a good time! My friend has let me down a couple of times aswell in the past, but ive just let it pass, So though we remain close friends to date, I get annoyed when I get a text out of the blue asking for a favour! The messages come across as how are you etc, but there is usually something I am needed for at the end.

I asked a very, very, small favour last week, have also asked three times prior, but so far I havent had a reply from her as she obviously couldn't be arsed, so I am sat here now wondering what the excuse is now.

I know that she will leave it as long as possible, then text me when she thinks ive forgotten about it. It makes me angry because me and my OH went to hers two weeks ago as she needed something doing!

I think the most hurtful thing to date was my Birthday, Ive always had a card and small gift, but this time a card never came for me and as I was going away on a break then, I got a text to say we will go out when you get back and you can have your card then, even though it would then be 9 days past my Birthday, no apology, nothing.

My OH never got a card either this time, and though its not that important, I have always had them off her in the past. About 10 months ago a person we both knew died suddenly, and with all the upset my friend said that "both" of us should make an effort to spend more together as life is too short! I then suggested meeting up once every four weeks or so for lunch/shopping but was told "yeah but I don't go shopping much now and also I'm saving for a holiday".

I just feel hurt and a bit let down by all this as she has always been my closest friend and if we do get on the phone, we tend to chat for ages like nothings happened, though this rarely happenes now. Can I ask for your opinions please and what would you do?

Thank-you for doing this post for me, I agree it does look a bit of a mess to read, now Ive checked back (I'm a bit new to this)! Can I repost this and delete my original one?
Sadly I think I do agree with you and maybe I have to accept this situation.

Tiggs, you sound like a lovely friend - far too good for her. I think she is distancing herself from you, but keeping you on the back burner for when she needs something done. It hurts but I really think you should give her a taste of her own medicine. Wait till she wants something then ignore her or make some feeble excuse.

Try volunteering or an interest group to meet some new people. I feel a bit like a stuck record because I say this a lot on here but my local feminist group is full of great people and I've made some wonderful friends in the past year.

It isn't so much it's 'a mess' to read as the fact that a solid block of text is difficult to read and strains the eyes but as 'HL* has put it into easily digestible paragraphs for you, there's no need for you to ask mumsnet to delete it and for you to start over.

I agree with HL and tall. This particular 'close' friend appears to have relegated you to the more distant position of someone whose life she can't be arsed to take an interest in but knows she can call if she needs a favour from you.

It's time to put her on your Christmas card list and leave it at that for a couple of years before removing her name. In the event she seeks your help with x y or z problem, if you're unable to observe mumsnet's law which decrees that 'no' is a complete sentence, keep a list of excuses handy by the phone otherwise she's likely to continue using you/your oh when it suits her to do so.

Don't worry OP we get the gist it's just easier to read now, and thanks Hawthorn.

Izzy sums it up neatly, this is now the time to 'relegate' your friend, who has become complacent and thinks she need only call your name and see you run. Friendship is a two-way process!

See what's on in your local area - sport, walking, crafts, drama, learn a language, volunteering - join a gym - choir? Resist seeing what she's up to on FB, carve out a new social life for yourself, with or without OH. Honestly, fill up any time you might once have spent with this friend, meeting more people, getting to know them.

I agree, it sounds as though she's distancing herself from you. I've had this happen in the past. It's hurtful

Could I put a different slant on it?...

I've been going thru a very rough patch with my husband for the last couple of years and have a close friend that I haven't wanted to share this with. As a result I have found I don't reply to her or return her calls as much as I should because it is hard to be normal with her when she know me so well, and we have become a little more distant tho I know she is making an effort to stay close. In fact, right now, separation is imminent and when that happens I will call her and tell her what has happened and that I love her for hanging in there and still keeping calling and texting when she wasn't getting much back from me. I will now always know she is a true friend.

Could there be any other reason for your friends behaviour?

Thanks all of for giving your advice, its a very difficult thing for me because I think of myself as a loyal friend, but I do hurt easily too if I feel I don't deserve to be treated a certain way. Though I am the first person to speak my mind and stick up for someone, be it at work or whatever, I do still keep some things to myself sometimes and just work through it. If it does get to a point where I need help then I will usually mention it. I do honestly feel that my friend has made a new circle which doesn't include me, and sometimes may feel a little guilty for not getting in touch sooner, but also feels she has some loyalty to me as we have been friends for so long. I think she tends to think well its only T, so she will understand and it doesn't really matter, but in truth, that isn't the case and I'm left feeling a little let down, like I am bottom of the list.

It sounds like she is cutting you out of her life and that is really sad. But it will be her that will be sorry in the end good friends are hard to find. She is behaving very badly like a stupid school girl not a growen women . If it was me i would try asking her right out and if you dont get any sense then i would just move on and i would not be doing her any more favours.

I suppose if I am totally honest I've known deep down that all this hasn't been right for a while now, and I think I needed some of you to confirm this for me. I really believe that she will see no harm in any of this and doesn't see it as being a problem if there is no contact or reply to messages after a week. After all its only "me" and we both do different things in our lives, so its no real problem, and she knows that if she sends a text or whatever then I will respond. I am very tempted to bring some of this to her attention, make her see how things are but how do you start? I also think my friend will be quite shocked and maybe even a little upset. She could get on the defensive, and say its both of us who have not made the effort, but she wouldn't be expecting me to lay it all out, and also show that I have always been there. How do you distance yourself from someone you love, have known a long time and generally thought would always be there? :-(

As it stands today, its now over a week since I asked a small favour and had no response from my friend. I expect now that when I finally hear back from her, it will be a case of "been very busy" and more than likely there will be no mention of the "favour", or maybe she will say she never got the original text!!