Taking it all the way with the police

[waspinthewindow]

I recently left my abusive partner. We have a child together. I have made the decision to report the last assault on me (and all the historic ones throughout the relationship, including sexual assault) to the police.

Two police officers from the DV unit came out to see me this morning. I'm a bit all over the place. In my naive little mind, I thought I'd report the incidents, they would arrest him, and then it would therefore be reasonable for me to stop unsupervised contact for now till this is sorted. But it'll take ages, they said - they'll need to take a statement from me, that might have to be done over a period of days due to the nature, then make contact with the the witnesses and see if they still want to be involved, look at getting details from health professionals that I disclosed info to at various points, and only then would they approach my ex. At which point, they said, he may well make allegations about me being abusive, which they'd have to follow up.

They want me to think about it, and get back to them if I want to go ahead.

I just don't know.

In all honesty, I'm terrified of the can of worms this will open up. But I am nervous about him having my child for longer periods of time (like at the weekend), and have reason to believe that my child will not be entirely safe with him at the weekends. And if I send my child to his house, knowing that I feel like that, am I not implicated if anything does happen?

But I want to do the right thing.

Is going ahead with the police report the right thing???? Is stopping contact the right thing??? Help!!!!!

(Apologies for not going into too much detail, I'm just a bit jumpy about giving myself away at the mo.)

I think you're doing the right thing. The DV team have to give you the 'worst case scenario', as it were, to make sure that there are as few nasty surprises as possible. Doesn't mean that it'll play out exactly as they've said.

The main thing here is your child. I'm sure you'd walk over hot coals to keep him/her safe. Courage.

Also, you need to get DV on the official record if you want to get legal aid down the line eg. if your ex tries to get reisdence. From next month, legal aid is stopped in family law cases except where there is (evidence of) DV.

Contact is a difficult one. If it ends up in the court, your ex is likely to get contact. It may be supervised in a contact centre at the start, but it could well end up as being unsupervised. If you get to a point where you think contact should be stopped, it will help a lot of if the record shows a history of DV so it's not seen as you making it up to spite your ex.

I know it's a horrible process, and you could go through it all and find out that nothing happens to your ex, that the prosecution goes nowhere. But having it on the record is still useful, so in your shoes I would do it.

At the moment my head is all mashed up. I want to do the best thing for my child. But is stopping contact the best thing? And if I do that, and my ex takes it to court, there's a chance that he'll get granted more contact than he's getting now anyway (since the police said that the judge wouldn't regard a history of assaults on the mother as a reason to stop contact with the child). So I could go all out to do what I think is best, and end up with him not getting convicted for the assaults, him getting more contact, and lots of nastiness along the way from him too I'm sure (things are ... civilish at the mo, but don't anticipate it staying that way).

It's a big leap for me to say contact should be stopped. There's no real evidence. It's just... a feeling that I don't trust him. Is that really enough for me to stop contact over?

I know none of you can answer these questions for me (although, are you sure? Can you just look down the back of the sofa and check anyway, in case the answers are down there?). It's helping (a bit ) to rant.

When was his last assault on you and were there witnesses to it? With regard to other the incidents of assault/abuse he perpetrated on you, did you sustain visible injuries which were logged with a GP/hospital or other health professional and, again, do you have witnesses to all/any of these assaults?

Tallk to Women's Aid as well, OP, they will be able to offer you lots of advice. There are ways of stonewalling and blocking abusive men from seeing DC, and in many cases the man gives up and fucks off (OK, often because he has found some other poor woman to abuse) - or, depending on the ages of DC, you can keep the stonewalling up long enough for them to be of an age where their wishes are taken into account.

It does depend on how much of a risk he seems to pose to them: if, for instance he is an alcoholic or a drug addict, you can insist on drink/drug tests before unsupervised contact, and you can refuse pre-arranged contact if he shows up drunk or under any chemical influence. If there has been previous violence and/or sexual abuse or inappropriate behaviour with DC, social services should be able to help.

(Please don't feel you have to specify details of why you consider him a risk to DC, I am speculating and not implying anything).

well it is for the judge to decide not the police .... get all evidence if you feel child is unsafe.
also by stalling with supervised contact this gives time and if he does show up on time to contact centre etcetf - well then maybe he proves himself and calms down and moves forward...but also gives time for his colors to be shown...

"is stopping contact the best thing?"

Everything we do for our children has to be our best judgement to keep them well cared for and safe until they are old enough to decide for themselves and act for themselves. Children should not be subjected to anyone that has proved to be dangerous... regardless of the DNA connection.

OP has your child said anything has happened or does DF come back different?

My DC was head butting the wall on return visits as non verbal at 3-5yrs it was only at 6yrs old did the awful abuse start to be told and still is.

I am very negative towards the system it let my DC down. Hope you can get better outcomes with the system changing. It is good to hear both sides of the coin for how reality can be.

Sorry DC come back different auto correct on new phone

I think you can stop contact for now yes. He may apply thro court and the judge will then decide. If there is no real risk to the child, yes you may end up facilitating contact. I would recommend a contact diary (him being late, saying things to the child about you etc) and not handing child over alone, and def not having him in your home. Phone for contact with child but change your own number.

Re the police case I would recommend you go thro with it definitely. You deserve it. Cut the perpetrator off completely and his family if needs be. Do you need any safety remedies at home?

Tak good care. Access to any counselling? What sort of emotional support will you have?

Thanks all for your responses. I'll try and answer the questions.

izzy - last assault was last year. There were no injuries, but there were witnesses. No witnesses for any other assaults, couple of small bruises during one of them, but so minor I couldn't get my camera to pick it up rubbish camera. But I spoke to my HV at the time about that one, so she should have it logged. The police said that could be used to substantiate that one since there were no witnesses.

SGB - I've been in contact with WA for about 18 months now, and they have been nothing short of amazeballs. In fact, one of their workers has now lent me the 'Living with the Dominator' book to see if I want to enrol on their next Freedom Programme (which I do).
The implied risk is the key thing - there's no suggestion that he's hurt my child (although there were incidents when DC was a small baby when he was holding the baby while it was crying, and he wouldn't let me tend to the baby or feed because he knew the crying distressed me and he was wanting to continue shouting and verbally abusing me). It's more that I just don't feel comfortable. There are drink issues which could pose a risk, which I told the police about. But he'll deny them.

Cogito - I know. That's my dilemma. There's no evidence to say he's a danger to DC. But I was miserable (and abused), and so were others (being vague, I know...). He says he loves DC and would never harm them (he's not said that directly, y'understand, but he would). But he said that to me too, again and again.

Any14T - DC is young, not speaking yet. Seems a bit unsettled after weekend contact, but probably more due to it being a long day, doesn't always sleep as well away from home and having more sweets than he gets at home, ie none. DC always goes willingly to ex when he collects.
I am so sorry that your DC was so let down and suffered at their dad's hands, that's chilling. My situation isn't that extreme, by any manner of means, but that makes it harder for me to make a judgement call. I kind of feel that a small amount of contact would be fine, beneficial to DC (eg one eve per week, one weekend morning). So that would be reducing contact rather than stopping. But perhaps that would look bad for me if it did go to court - 'she can't think he is that bad, she allowed contact to continue'.

something - I am safe where I am, thanks for thinking of that though. I have good emotional support around me, although I'll be the first to admit I'm not very good at using it .

Hope I haven't missed any queries? Sorry i can't give more info, I'm trying to be v careful.

I think I'm going to give SW a call tomorrow - I already spoke to them last week, and the person I spoke to was very helpful and phoned me the next day to see how I was doing (as I was a bit shakesome on the phone).

Thanks so much for all your advice and comments. It's helped just to blurble it all out (well, what I could). It's been a v tough day, and I feel a bit like I've been in an accident - all achey and tense and sore. Am going to get an early nite.