Had enough of my friend :( It's a long one, sorry

[AdriftInSpace]

N/C for this one!

She's been my best friend since school, and even though both of us had moved around the country and our lives had taken different directions, we still kept in touch regularly and were very close.

For the past three years we have been living back in our hometown but she works full-time and lives with her parents and I am a lone parent who gave up work when DD needed ongoing hospital treatment so we usually see each other once a week or so for a quick catch-up.

Since she was about 18, I noticed her behaviour was unpredictable and erratic - she had started going out clubbing and drinking, putting herself in dangerous situations where she was so drunk she didn't know what was going on, flirting and kissing other men in clubs even though she had a long-term relationship. About a year later, things got a lot worse when her boyfriend broke up with her and she would phone me almost every night crying about 4am telling me she was going to kill herself or she was so drunk that she didn't even know where she was and a couple of times I had to go out and find her, or at least try and get a taxi sent to the street name she was at.

Months later, it was worse and she would have one or two night-stands every week and not use any protection. She contracted chlamidya around 7 or 8 times, I went with her to all her appointments to support her but she felt terrible about it. She came around to my house every weekend and told me about the events the night before and how guilty and ashamed she felt. I begged her to stop going out and drinking as she always regretted it and she was on a self-destructive path and she agreed but then next weekend she was out again, calling me in the early hours of the morning crying or telling me she was lost.

ThenI became pregnant and moved away. During this time, she briefly took some powerful drugs (thankfully she never did it again, she said they made her feel awful), moved around the country a couple of times, still rung me every weekend and eventually moved back to her hometown. I followed about a year later.

When I moved back, she did seem to get better. She eventually cut off a toxic friend who controlled and constantly belittled her, she stopped drinking as much, got a steady job and a boyfriend. I became a single parent, suffering from post-natal depression and anxiety attacks every day.
Despite struggling myself, I was still there for my friend and when she started to slip again, I still tried to help her - she went onto anti-depressants, I offered to help her with doctors appointments if she needed it, gave her the number of my counselling service, tried tough love - I felt like I tried everything :(

Anyway, my wonderful DD is now 4 and my friend has given up drinking a couple of times, never longer than 6 weeks or so, but during that time she has told me how happy she is she's not drinking. She has friends and work colleagues that pressure her into going out, and once she's there it's like she can't help herself. She is losing some of her friends though who have outright said they don't like who she is when she's drunk and refuse to go out drinking with her as she screams at people, cries and generally makes a scene - I think she hit her date once whilst drunk when she accused him of looking at someone else.

She's really troubled and doesn't have the best homelife as her mum shouts at her that she doesn't want her in the house whilst her other sister is the golden child who can do no wrong.

The thing is, I now find it really difficult to have sympathy after the following things happened;

Last weekend she came round and told me that she'd slept with a work colleague whom was engaged and had a child. She felt so guilty but said in an ideal world he would leave his partner and be with her This is despite the fact she hasn't known him longer than a month.

She has desperately wanted a child for the last few years and has slept with men and 'forgotten' to use contraception several times in order to have one.

My boyfriend at the time nearly died in hospital (the amazing hospital staff got to him in time) but I had a sick child at the time and no-one to look after her to visit him except my friend who said no because she was going to go out with her friend.

She didn't support me during my DD's hospital treatment - after everything I have done for her. Thankfully I have some amazing family who made sure we were okay and that we were both coping.

My absolute favourite! I lost a baby at 10 weeks pregnant. The morning after I passed my darling baby, she phoned me up to tell me she thought she was pregnant, what was she going to do, she didn't want it anyway and it was so terrible etc.

During all these years though, I genuinely thought that if I switched my phone off or didn't answer, then something terrible would happen to her, because I swear she deliberately puts herself in dangerous situations. About a month ago she was drunk on the phone to me, alone at 1am and not sure how to get home, when I heard a man say to her 'I'll take you home!' and she hung up on me. I called and text for half an hour, then told her if she didn't call me back within thirty minutes I was ringing the police. Of course, THEN she got back to me! She was home and of course the man had been so nice she gave him her number - turns out said man later in the week expected her to sleep with him in return and was verbally abusive to her when she didn't.

So yeah, I don't know when exactly I reached boiling point, but it's happened. I have been lying awake these last few months, worrying about her. The thing is she has admitted that she loves the attention and the drama and that life is boring without it which winds me up even more as sometimes she revels in all the shit that goes on and other times I'm expected to be her shoulder to cry on when it all goes wrong.

I don't know what to do. I feel so bloody bad about it all and I swing between feeling guilty that I'm resenting her and guilty that I'm enabling her behaviour. Truth be told, she has responded well when I've told her how I'm feeling - like not helping me one time with my daughter so that I could go to hospital, or calling me up the day after my m/c and she has apologised. I guess I can't let it go. A part of me thinks that she's selfish, loves the drama (a couple of times she has rung me up, almost gleefully telling me she thinks she's had a miscarriage, like it's some exciting thing she can tell everyone about!) and she can fucking well get on with it without me there. Another part feels guilty for thinking that way about my best friend, that I need to be there for her as she has so much crap going on in her life and I truly think I am the only person that really cares about her wellbeing.

So what the fuck do I do? Am I being selfish wanting all of this to just go away now? :( I feel so resentful, I bottled up a lot of stuff because I wanted to help her, all the advice I give her falls on deaf ears and after years of it I want to cry when she asks me what should she do. I want a calm life, a peaceful one where I don't have to worry about her latest crisis and focus on my daughter and my own life. I want to be selfish and completely withdraw from her - at the same time, I want her to see a doctor, see a counsellor, just DO SOMETHING. It was easier to look after her when I was young and carefree, but now I have a daughter to look after and everything that goes with that.

I'm sorry MNetters that this was so long, it wasn't intended to be. Once I started writing it all came tumbling out and I wanted to paint the clearest picture possible. I guess I want the MN collective wisdom to tell me that it's okay for me to be selfish and leave her to her own devices, but I will take anything you say on board. If I need to do something else, please tell me, or any other suggestions you can think of would be brilliant.

Even if you don't have any advice to give, thankyou so much for reading all of this

Wow, I couldn't leave that epic post unanswered!

The usual advice in these situations is "cut her out of your life, put yourself first" and this would be perfectly reasonable to do here.

You sound as though you still genuinely care about your friend. Yet you need to detach emotionally from her. You are not responsible for her problems or for the "solutions" (alcohol, promiscuity) that she employs.

What about YOU? What support do you have, and what support do you need right now? Have you had help with your own anxiety etc? Has your so-called friend EVER helped you in any way? - it sounds tragically one-sided to me.

You sound absolutely lovely and there are many, many people out there who would appreciate your friendship a damn sight more than this current friend does....

You can't help her, years and years of trying should show you this. If being involved in her life is detrimental to your own wellbeing then yes, step back. Tell her you can no longer support her.

She sounds like bloody hard work, I think you need to start distancing yourself from this friendship. It all seems a bit one way to be called that really.

She won't go to counselling whilst she has you acting as an unofficial one.

She is a fucked up drama queen - and the more you pander to it, the more she will do it.

You need to distance yourself from her, for your own sanity and wellbeing.

She isnt a real friend, she is someone who uses you when it suits her.

I used to have a 'best friend' like this.

I am so much better for the infrequent catch ups we have now. I dont get involved emotionally any more and I dont engage when she threatens nonsense. She has learned that I am not her enabler any more.

You need to do the same.

You have given her loads of chances - you cannot help her. And in fact some would say that maintaining your set role within the friendship is enabling her to continue being the self-destructive and utterly self-absorbed nightmare she is.

So you need to distance yourself from her, yes; you can't change anything for her by being her friend.

But the main point for me is that she has been a terrible, thoughtless, hurtful 'friend' to you. You do not have to accept it or put up with it because she is volatile. You don't have to have anyone in your life who makes you feel bad.

You are not responsible for her. It's ok - healthiest for both of you - for you to end this friendship.

Do not feel bad about it!

It sounds like it's all give and not much take in this relationship, tbh. Be 'busy' and meet up less. Switch your phone off or set the ringtone for her number to silent after a certain time of night. Be slower getting back to her texts.

It sounds like she's going to engage in risky behaviours whatever you do, you being around just gives her an audience. You could try being upfront with her, tell her that you find her constant bullshit drama emotionally draining and suggest she seek some sort of counselling through her GP?

Thankyou for all your responses! I really wasn't expecting so many, so quickly either!

I'm glad that you've said all you said. Sometimes I think I'm being a total uncharitable cow and it's all in my head :( I do also think that I'm not actually helping her by being involved because she leans on me when she should be getting help elsewhere. I hope by pulling back and not being invested, she really tries to sort her life out. I know she's not happy, but the things she does makes her feel worse. It's a vicious cycle :(

MrsMcEnroe - I'm much, much better now than I was. No anxiety attacks in quite a long time thankfully :) I've been on anti-depressants, had counselling and I still have my bad patches, but they are fewer and further between and much less severe than they were!

I do agree with what you're all saying about pulling back from her and not placing so much energy into our friendship - but she will soon realise and ask me about it. If I don't text back to a couple of her texts, she starts texting and ringing more and worries that something has happened to me and when something hasn't she's definitely going to ask. I think I might have to tell her that I need to draw back, but I hate confrontation and don't know how to word it. I'm good at thinking up tactful ways to put it, but when it comes down to it I totally fuck it up and go off on a tangent lol. Any ideas how I can tell her?

Thanks everyone, again

*all said what you've said, even!

Seems like a one way friendship - you give her tons of support while you get nothing back. Sounds more like a nurse- patient relationship than a true friendship.

You now have your own family to care about. She controls her own life and you should let her. It could also be that your kindness has enabled her to keep on a self destructive path.

Be kind to yourself and your family, have one less thing to worry about and cut ties altogether. The instances where she was shortcoming when you needed support defies belief.

As others have said i think you need to ease off this relationship for both your sakes.

You need to both take moment to sit down together & tell her all the things in your post above. She has to know that this "friendship" is damaging you, and that all you are doing is enabling her to carry on with her self destructive behaviour.

Tell her that you do love her & want to be her friend, but not to the point where it affects you or your DD. maybe a prolonged period of "tough love" is what she needs.

Its hard & heartbreaking, but its the best thing for both of you.

Good luck!

Or, reply to texts, but just a fraction later than ordinarily, and vaguer/less forthcoming. Increase the time between replies gradually. Be too busy to meet up. Don't answer the phone from her after 9pm and claim early nights.

Do it gradually perhaps.

"Your behaviour makes me really worried for your safety and it's upsetting for me to keep providing you with emotional support when I don't feel that it makes a difference. I understand that you've been through some difficult times but for the sake of our friendship I think you need to seriously think about getting some sort of help, because it's unfair of you to expect me to keep answering the phone at 3am etc, etc. When you do things like that it really frightens me. I'm saying this because I care about you and I want you to be safe and happy, but I can't support you in the way you want me to anymore".

Something like that? Though fwiw, I think it's unlikely she'll change if she's been doing it for so long, but you never know, it might give her the wake up call she needs. If not it's really time to cut her out (easier said than done, I know). You have to look after your own emotional well being first and foremost.

you could say or text what ccsays but I dont think it will change her behaviour.

I wouldnt say anything, because that will increase the drama "OP doesnt love or care about me, blah blah blah" to anyone who will listen.

Dont answer texts unless it suits you, stay evasive - I was busy/in loo/dealing with DD/in supermarket, no need to 'lie' just dont explain your whole life to her in detail if she asks. She will soon get the message, and if she asks then I would say to her what ccsays but I think it will go down like a bucket of cold sick, because this person is very self centred.

Actually, re-reading your post, I see that you have tried to get her help and tbh honest she sounds like a selfish shit.

I was on an almost identical situation to yours (best friends since we were kids, she spent her life going from one booze filled catastrophe to the next, etc). I tried threats, crying, begging, shouting, everything. Had a bit of an ephinany about it talking to someone else one day when I realised that all the things I angrily said to her ie. "why would you want this person in your life when all they do is cause you grief?" and "you're going round and circles and just hurting yourself again and again? applied to me and my relationship with her. I think you need to ask yourself WHY exactly this person is in your life again other than old times sake. It's like being in any other bad relationship, you might love them, but that really isn't enough. As I say, I've been there and it's breaks your heart to see them do this to themselves, but there's only so much you can do. It sounds like you've done enough.

Your friend is an alcoholic who hasn't yet accepted it. The self-destructive behaviour described can come across as attention-seeking behaviour, but is a classic symptom and when she comes to you to talk about it, she is seeking absolution and assurance that this behaviour is normal; she wants someone to forgive her for it.

I went through this with a friend some years ago, hours spent talking about her behaviour, her turning up at my home drunk, begging me to help her end her life, physically attacking me when I took her car keys from her one night when she was drunk. An intervention staged with some mutual friends and family didn't help her see she had a serious problem; her crashing her car into a bridge when driving home drunk didn't help, her having sex for money with a man she'd met in a bar, didn't help. The eventual catalyst for her accepting that she was an alcoholic was her turning up to work still drunk from the night before and wetting herself at her desk.

She needs medical treatment and support, but she needs to truly accept this by herself and she will need to reach her own breaking point before she'll do this.

With my friend, after the intervention failed to help, I wrote her a letter. I explained that while she continued to be in denial about her problem, I wouldn't be acting as her carer, confessor or enabler. But once she was ready to admit she was an alcoholic, I would do everything I could to help her recover from this.

You've been a good friend to her, but she needs professional help and you can't continue to act as a band-aid for her every time she self destructs. I got a lot of advice from Al-Anon, who support friends and families of alcholics and helped me see there was nothing I could do to force my friend to change her ways. If you check out their website and podcasts, I think you'll find the stories on there uncannily similar to yours and your friend's.

Please start ignoring this so-called friend. She will never change. The fact that you keep on and on helping her is doing her no favours. No need to feel guilty at all. You need to protect yourself and someone who is selfish enough to call you at unsocial times and expect you to pick up the pieces is incredibly immature and thoughtless. Find some friends who value you.

MrsMacklin speaks alot of sense, great advice.

Writing a letter sounds like a good idea if you hate confrontation.

Also, love the username, MrsBertMacklin

Thanks everyone for some great advice :)

I'd forgotten that my friend is coming round tomorrow so I'm not sure whether or not to cancel or tell her face-to-face. I like the idea of a letter, and think it would be better to post it to her address rather than hand it to her in person.

I'm looking at the AA website right now and it has an interesting checklist to see if you could be suffering with alcoholism, and I'd say she meets half of their checklist :(

how did it go with your friend today? Did you talk to her?

She's definitely an alcoholic. Whether she is also an unpleasant person or not it's not possible to tell as her drinking is probably masking her real personality.

Either way, she is not a friend to you.