How best to confront a DH who doesn't take confrontation well?

[extremepie]

Well, just that really!

Things between us have been fine, mostly because I'm surpressing my true feelings - if I'm honest I'm really unhappy how things are at the moment and feel I need to have a very serious discussion with him about what things I would like to change if we are going to have a future together.

The problem is, he takes any sort of negative comment really really badly. This is mainly why I have been surpressing my feelings for so long because I just can't bear the big screaming argument that will result, we just end up in a situation where he doesn't listen and won't take any of my comments on board because he is so angry and defensive.

I can't live my life without challenging him on his behaviour because I'm worried about how he will take it and I don't want to give up either.

What is the best way to do this? I've been thinking about writing a letter but that seems so....I don't know, it just doesn't seem right. I've thought about having another person there who knows us both but can be a bit more objective but I think that would probably make him angrier that I told him our relationship needed work in front of other people.

What do I do?

Learn to be assertive. This means stating your feelings, not repressing them, and doing so without accusation. Ideally in the moment: when the offending behaviour is taking place, not ages later.

If he takes any statement of your unhappiness as accusations, then that is his problem. But you can't walk on eggshells in your own home.

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Being assertive is a big problem of mine, have never been my whole life and am generally one of those people that gets walked all over my others.

DH is always telling me to stick up for myself, I don't think he sees the irony!

You have two threads?

Yes, sorry, I know it is probably bad ettiquete but I wasn't sure what sort of responses I would get in AIBU and I desperately need some advice as things are coming to a head at the moment and I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to :(

Bullies have to be confronted. If you are not good at confrontation or if you fear his reaction I think your idea of having a third-party on hand is a good one. A friend or family member perhaps. Since bullies are cowards they are far less likely to kick off when there is a witness present.

However, if you continue to find that any attempt to have a serious conversation about your needs, feelings, or concerns are swatted with 'a big screaming argument' i.e. frightening you into shutting up, then do not feel you have to carry on being abused. You would be quite entitled to end the marriage on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

FWIW I think you would be better placed to stick up for yourself and less likely to be walked over if you made the break and were independent. There is something about being responsible for your own life and making your own decisions that is a real confidence boost. In the meantime, you may benefit from personal counselling, assertiveness training or something like the Freedom Programme.

Courage.

Actually, that brings me to another point I was going to ask about - if worst comes to the worst and he refuses to change and we have to split up, what do I do? We have nowhere to go around here as we have recently moved 300 miles across the country away from all our family and friends.

I don't want to move back as the dc's are happy at their school and have settled really well.

Also, if I kick him out, where would he go? I couldn't leave him out on the street now matter how bad things were between us.

If I ask him to leave and he won't, what can I do? We privately rent and the tenancy is in both our names so I can't force him to leave if he doesn't want to, can I?

Obviously I really hope it doesn't come to that at all but I feel I need to know my options just in case as atm it is not as simple as moving back in with mom & dad!

My DP is exactly the same - I always say that his first line of defense is attack. I have found that writing the issue down in an email is the best thing. It means that I can express myself and he can digest what I am saying. We can then talk about things later. It has taken us 5 years to get to this point, and it really does seem to work. My situation was EXACTLY the same as yours - I would struggle to phrase things in as anodyne a way as possible so he wouldn't feel 'attacked'.

There are answers to all your questions but you'll need to consult a variety of different resources. A solicitor isn't a bad place to start. As a wife with children you have various rights in the event of a divorce and some family law specialists will offer a free half-hour consultation to talk you through those. CAB can also help with practical matters such as finances, benefits etc. Your local housing authority may be helpful on the subject of accommodation if you feel you have no choice but to move yourself and the DCs out. As to where he would go... that is not your problem. It is far easier for a single man to find somewhere to call home and a decent man would offer to move out rather than expect children to have to be disrupted too much.

So do the background work. You may discover you are in a better position than you currently think and that might be enough to give you the confidence to change your life for the better.