Aaaagggrrhh parents - should I say something this time?

[grrrraarrgghh]

My parents are honestly lovely. I should say this now. They're supportive, loving, do lots for the family, never happier than when surrounded by children and grandchildren.

However. From time to time they are also tactless gits.

My sister gave birth to her first baby last night. All OK though hard, and a bit scary at the end. They texted her, when baby three hours old, to say they hoped they'd get used to the name. She is understandably quite upset. They've helped her out financially recently,don't know if it's relevant.

They didn't like my brother's wedding photos when they were put online, and rang to tell him so. He was, understandably, quite upset. There was other stuff going on at the time that made photos pretty fecking unimportant, too. They''d put lots of effort, and some money, into the wedding so maybe felt had some stake in it?

I don't get it so much like that - they help me a lot but I don't NEED them to. But Mum does tend to panic when things go wrong and lash out, saying things that upset me. I don't think she means to, and she would tell me she can't help it, but I dunno - I don't say them!

Am considering, as I always do, that maybe the odd is worth the most-of-the-time loveliness, but am also raging for my poor post-birth sister. WWYD?

I have a similar thing with my mum from time to time but never do anything about it. However I do often wonder why I don't just gently tell her she's being tactless. Could you say 'it was a bit of a hurtful comment?'

Another one with tactless parents from time to time. When they go off on one I usually keep my distance.

Maybe they feel that their contributions-financial & otherwise-give they the right to say something.

Maybe they are just thoughtless & tactless & carry on being so as noone ever says anything?

TBH,I think that what they have done is thought out (three hrs later) & horribly self centred.

She's had a baby & it's all about them??!!

When I had my PFB my mum told me that she didn't like the name.

I told her I was informing her, not asking for an opinion.

Wish I'd said more tbh.

It's the only thing that she has ever, ever upset me on.

But boy did she pick the one thing that cut deep.

Their support is not without conditions attached; they give it but as a result of doing so they feel entitled to give their opinions when it is really not wanted.
Giving your sister money therefore is relevant because they feel that by doing so they can say as they please. Again with your brother, the fact they gave him some cash too has again made them feel entitled to say something derogatory about his wedding photos.

How does your brother get along with them these days or does he have as little to do with them as humanely possible?. Do you all have a reasonable relationship with each other as siblings?.

You fortunately do not cop so much of this attitude from your parents primarily because you are more self sufficient and do not ask them as often for support.

You describe how your Mum behaves (why do you think she is painking as much, it is because things are not going to her own plan?) but you do not mention your Dad. Do you think he actually enables her behaviour as well as acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life?. My guess is too they've always acted like they do now.

diddl, I think it was pretty calculated too. When she announced name she said 'x name (we think)' and they said 'glad you're still thinking about it'.

Clearly trying to put her off, I reckon. And yes, it cuts deep - your first big choice as a parent, pissed on by your own parents.

I am fucking LIVID. I wouldn't have chosen it for my DCs, but I've already had my choice and I will love the name because I'll love the baby.

X-post, Attila, sorry. Agree about the 'having a stake' which is one reason DH and I are so keen to do things ourselves.

Brother appears to be fine with them, although I laid it on pretty thick to Mum about howhurt he was, and then spent time telling SIL she actually loved the pics that were there, just disappointed there wasn't one particular shot.

I appear to have self-appointed myself occasional peacemaker.

This time I told my sis she'd my full support to tell them to not bother visiting until they were 'used' to the name, though.

Dad: I don't know. He is quite happy to let Mum be the unreasonable one, and I think sometimes it's for a quiet life, but quite often because he agrees with her. Obv can't tell for sure, though.

Everyone needs to wind the sensitivity dial down about five notches and the assertiveness one up five to compensate..... Your parents sound thoughtless and tactless rather than actually malicious - and thoughtless people need it pointing out or they don't learn. I remember telling my DM DS's name when he was born and her response was 'I don't know anyone called 'X''. Mine was 'well you do now'.

No need for peace-making... Just stand up to them and stick up for each other.

My mum did something similar. She told people in front of DS1 that she didn't liek the names we'd given DS2. REALLY pissed me off, very hurtful and thoughtless. Even if she thought it, she should not have said it - least of all in front of DS1 (more than old enough to understand!)
The problem is that it is a sensitive time for your sister, so therefore the comment is worse. I fully agree with sentiment not to visit until she's used to it. I also tend to end up being the one to say something. In your position, I would be tempted to get your DF on his own and tell him how hurtful DM's comment was and see how he reacts. If he agrees, ask him to help you tone her down.

Another one here who's mother likes to think that a financial contribution gives the right to be opinionated, and hand out guilt trips.

Personally i've always opted for the ignore it tactic. The comments are not forgotten, however. I have vowed, if my DCs ever need my financial help as adults, i wont use it as a stick to beat them with, or an excuse to make snide remarks about their life choices.

My lovely lovely mum is fabulous but tact is not her strong point. She made a couple of comments about the name my DB and his exP named their daughter causing a lot of tension. She also told me I was letting myself get rather fat (two months after DS2 was born, FFS!). We are of northern stock and she is one to call a spade a spade etc. I'm not excusing her shall we say directness, but I do think there's a generational element to it. These comments are upsetting but is there any actual malice behind them? Like my Mum, I often think that that generation have a totally different idea of what is ok and what is most definitely not ok to say

Agree with CogitoErgoSometimes, seriously people. You and your siblings need to call her on her behaviour so she has the opportunity to reflect and modify it. Silently seething is pointless and if your DM views her "support" as some sort of entitlement to be tactless, then your siblings might want to reconsider accepting it and developing thicker skins.

Have had many of the above probs and STILL can't deal with them - naming by DSs was only the beginning. You'll never change her behaviour, but you CAN change the way you react to her. Recently read The Mother Factor: How Your Mother's Emotional Legacy Impacts Your Life by Stephan Poulter and found it really helpful. Good luck.

Direct her to Mumsnet for a Looooong read. Thankfully, through being on here, I will NOT make the usual mistakes with pfb GCs.

But call them on it, response should have been, 'OMG how can you be so tactless and hurtful' when you heard. They would prob have been suitably embarrassed.

My mum can be like this too. Its horrible. My parents didn't like dd's name but they like it now. I have also vowed that too, fluffyraggies.