Friend's new relationship. Am I seeing red flags where there are none?

[habitualMNer]

Hi, i would like to hear other peoples thoughts on this situation please. I am worried about my friend who has been swept up in a whirlwind romance and appears to have taken leave of her senses since she met her new man a few months ago. He seems like a nice enough chap on the surface but there are red flags springing up all over the place for me regarding their relationship.

He is completely besotted with her, within two weeks of setting eyes on her he had told her he was in love with her and couldn't live without her. He works abroad and has a well paid job. She is a single mum and was on a low wage. He refused to consider a long distance relationship, so within a month of them meeting he had persuaded her to move with her kids to another country to live with him, and despite her initial reluctance, 6 weeks later she did exactly that!! Now she is trying to start a new life in a new country where she doesn't know anyone except him and she is really missing her family and support network.

Apart from when he is at work they barely spend any time apart and are now talking engagement, marriage and babies. He said they would go engagement ring shopping after she relocated which she was really excited about but then he went and chose a ring without her and presented it to her weeks before she got there. She isn't wearing it and they haven't officially announced their engagement yet, I think she is concerned at her families reaction to the speed of their relationship. But when I spoke to her recently she said they are going to get married in early summer as he doesnt want a long engagement, and he is anxious to start a family as soon as possible.

I feel he is very controlling but she seems delighted that he is happy to take charge. She says that after years of being a single parent it is a relief to have someone else who is happy to make the decisions. She feels he treats her like a princess and its so different to her previous relationships that she cannot see how anything about it could be a red flag. He is a bit of a "catch" ...late thirties, divorced no kids, in good shape, good job, he is a much better prospect than her previous partners and in many ways i think she cant believe her luck.

I am genuinely pleased for her that she has found someone who makes her happy but i keep asking what's the rush and I keep getting told they just want to be together but it seems to be much more driven by what he wants. My gut instinct is that its all too rushed and could well end in tears. Also I'm worried that if she gets pregnant and it doesn't work out between them he could prevent her from moving back home with the baby so she will end up stuck there.

Is it always a bad sign when a relationship moves at the speed of light??

The phrase 'treats me like a princess' always gets me worried. As it tends to involve being treated like a princess in a fairy story (e.g. not Mulan or Princess Fiona or Princess Leia) where you have no free will in return for your castle and tiara.

Personally I'd rather be Fiona or Leia. Kicking arse and taking names. But I digress.

It does sound worrying. Particularly as her kids have just been whisked away from their home and friends because he 'doesn't do' long distance. Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do about it. Perhaps if she could come home for a visit the 'spell' might be broken?

Does he have a UK passport already?

I agree, this isnt good at all. I had a relationship just like this, luckily I got out before we married.

Whereabouts "abroad" are we talking? EU, US, Asia, Oz, Far East? Where she is makes a big difference in her circumstances.

I went abroad for DH. It all worked out but I was very careful to have a Plan B in case it turned out to be a scary situation. Does she have a Plan B? By that I mean somewhere she could go if she needed to, an open return picket, resources at home.

Not sure about his intentions, but am assuming that your friend is old enough to have a bit more sense!

Moving to another country and taking chances without kids is pretty daunting but to do it so quickly with children seems foolish to me.

I don't think I would have even introduced my kids to a new man in the timeframe she has moved countries.

Is she usually this spontaneous?

I think the best thing you can do is keep communication open with her. Make sure you have her mobile/landline/address and keep in contact with her, then if she ever does need any help you are there for her.

I don't think it is always a bad sign when a relationship moves at the spped of light, but it is normally a terrible sign if someone is so selfish to get a woman to move her entire family including children to a different country so speedily. Breathtakingly selfish of the pair of them.

He actually encouraged her to uproot her children so quickly and she went along with it? Beggars belief really.

I think people who declare undying love and talk relocation & marriage etc very early on have to be suspect. It's like they don't want to give the other person chance to find out the real them so bish, bash, bosh get them hooked in before they can draw breath.

You won't change your friend's mind. It may all go swimmingly or it may all end in tears but ... she's a grown-up. 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure'.

No, I don't think you are seeing red flags where there are none. He is revealing his character quite clearly according to your account of the ring-buying, refusal to compromise about the long distance relationship, and his 'taking charge'.

In this context, the tearing rush to marry and have children is highly indicative of a man desperate to have control - not a man desperately in love.

There are no fairy tales.

It sounds as if you've said your piece....now all you can do is catch her when/if she falls. I sympathise, believe me :(

Whirlwind romance - can't live without her after weeks - definite red flag. Also moving her away from family and friends (isolating her) very worrying indeed. Often abuse will start with the first pregnancy as the female is more vulnerable and dependent - especially if not working. I can understand why your friend feels like handing over the reins as it is tough to be a single parent but think she has jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

Very difficult to do anything as she will have blinkers on. Agree that it's best to keep communicating and try to watch out for attempts on his part to engineer a break in your friendship.

Also guys who seem like a good 'catch' can be abusers - they are very good at hiding their true nature behind a socially acceptable facade - that is one of the ways that women are taken in by them. They can't keep up the mask forever though and that is why they rush the relationship, to create bonds quickly. These bonds can be created by the hormones released during sex (love bombing), marriage and childbirth. Sandra Brown's How to Spot a Dangerous Man (Before You Get Involved) and Women Who Love Psychopaths explain in detail of what to look out for and why women miss signs and end up trapped.

Thank you all for the replies. She hasn't moved halfway around the world, its a UK/Ireland relocation so perhaps not as bad as it could be.

No she doesn't have a plan B, extraordinarily IMO she just gave up everything, her job, her house, her car, her friends and family, her independence, to be with him. I suppose if things didn't work out she could potentially move back in with her parents but I know she would find that really difficult, especially as they were not happy about her moving in the first place.

Sundaysgirl, yes I am sorry to say even though she is my dear friend and I love her to bits I think it is
a very selfish thing that they have done. I can't help but put the blame on him though as it seems to have been all instigated by him and its like she's under a spell or something. I think she's so afraid of losing him she darent not go along with it.

Cogito, yes indeed, marry in haste repent at leisure has been the thought that is rattling around my head these last few weeks. It does feel as though he is desperate to get her married before she finds him out, so to speak.

We are in regular contact, I'll try to be there to catch her if she falls

I suspect you are right, but not much you can do now.
Just be there for her if it goes wrong.
And leave her at ease to criticise him.

divorced you say?

well ... google is your friend here. Can you find out anything about this man to potentially put your mind at rest? Not to necessarily hit your friend with any of it (it won't help and she could well shoot the messenger) but if he is divorced then there is an ex in the picture somewhere who may be able to shed some light on his character - even if you can potentially only find her on fb.

Confessions of love not necessarily a red flag IMO, but the rest, hurrying to move her away from support network, anxiousness to get married/pregnant quickly etc would have alarm bells ringing for me too.

Is he Irish or British?

How old are her children? I wouldn't think 6 weeks is long enough to feel confident about bringing him into that role with them.

"I can't help but put the blame on him though as it seems to have been all instigated by him and its like she's under a spell or something"

She's fallen prey to the concept that has blighted women's lives for centuries.... 'romance'.... with a side order of desperation. A tenner says she's got a DVD of 'Pretty Woman' at home and has dreamed about a knight on a white horse to free her from the metaphorical tower of singledom. When something close to it shows up flashing a cheque-book, talking engagement rings and exotic locations (OK Ireland.. .but still), and the 'let me take care of everything' line... it's so easy to think it's the answer to prayers and get swept away on impulse. It's only when the dust settles that she'll know if she's got a knight and a white horse or an unfunny version of Shrek and Donkey micro-managing her life.... All you can hope is that she's not quite lost her marbles and is still using contraception. :)

engagement, marriage, all that are pretty secondary now, and almost meaningless. She has moved countries. left her family and support structure behind. That is a far far bigger commitment than any marriage certificate ever is or will be.
Good luck to your friend in her new life.

At least it's only a UK/Ireland relocation, so she's not trapped out in the Middle East somewhere. It's not going to be that hard to get away if/when it goes pear-shaped.

She's not going to welcome you throwing cold water over her Great Romance. I think the only thing you can do is what MrsTP says, encourage her to have a Plan B. And be ready with the hanky if it does fall a part.

It's all about him by the look of it, he can't be without her, he is head over heals in love, him, him, him...
Now I am not implying anything bad about your friend but is she mistaking the potential to be secure for love? He's a 'catch' as you say and treats her like a princess, does she maybe see a brighter future for herself and her children with him? Were her previous relationships with abusive men and she sees something different in him?
Whirlwind romances aren't necessarily a bad thing, my closest frend married the man she had a holiday romance with and who uprooted himself 200 miles to stay with her. They've been married 15 years and are still happy with 2 children! Uprooting yourself and your children though without a plan B doesn't sound just right to me.
Be there for her, stay in touch as much as possible and have it in the back of your mind that you may be her plan B..

I agree she's probably caught up in the "spell"/romance of it all, and controlling/abusive men often seed all that manipulation right there from the start, promising her the world and all her wildest dreams and then teetering on taking it all away (and/or hinting at what great pain she will cause him) if she shows any reluctance/doubt at all. Of course I can't say he's definitely doing this based on the little information, but it is a common pattern.

I'm also a bit suspicious when women say that a man "treats them like a princess" - perhaps just a difference of wording where they mean he is kind, but I see it as putting you on a pedestal, treating with kid gloves almost, being looked after. I don't want to be treated like a princess. I want to be treated like an equal, which means we look out for each other.

Thanks again for the replies, I apologize for not being able to return to the thread often.

Yes I think in a way she did see him as her knight in shining armour coming to take her away from the drudgery and mundanity of her old life. He had a solution to every problem and concern she had about relocating, and he seemed so willing to sacrifice his income and his own previous lifestyle to accommodate them she was overwhelmed I think.

He is divorced but my friend knows virtually nothing about his ex wife or their reasons for divorcing, she just accepted his story on it which is that they grew apart, cest la vie. She definitely sees him as security, she said she feels she and the children would have a better quality of life more money with him.

BertieBotts, you hit the nail on the head when you said about him promising the world and then teetering on taking it away or causing pain to him if she shows reluctance. Without going into too much detail which would be identifiable, I'd say he has done this a number of times already, particularly in relation to getting her to move. Once he had persuaded her that they simply had to be together and that obviously either one of them would have to relocate he convinced her he would be happy to do it but then he remembered he had a fantastic well paid job with a big promotion coming down the line and really, while he would happily give it all up to be with her, wouldn't it make far more sense for her and the kids to move instead!! He absolutely used emotional blackmail to get his own way on that imo, he made it virtually impossible for her to say no.

However despite what I may think of him she is completely mad about him, they are a bit like love-struck teenagers together, very tactile, its sweet and cringey at the same time. They are still definitely at the honeymoon stage but I suspect if he wants a baby she is just as likely to go along with that as she has done with everything else and while everything that's happened so far is reversible, a baby isn't.

I haven't told her how I feel about her new relationship, tellingly she hasn't asked, and she has already had so much disapproval from family etc and just ignored it, so I don't see the point of risking our friendship just to air my opinion. I know that generally honestly is the best policy and some other friends have told me that im doing her a disservice by not saying anything, that im not being a real friend, but I want her to feel she has support from me if things go wrong, and at the end of the day she's an adult and she hasn't asked me for advice.

I have another friend who was really unsupportive and scathing when I went broke up with a guy recently just because she never liked him. She was probably right about him but I was so hurt by her response it has soured our friendship. I don't want to be that kind of friend. Should I say anything at all or keep my mouth shut?

I would wait until she asks. Or if she brings up something she isn't sure about, encourage her to question it. But you're right that the friendship is more important. If he is abusive then she will find that all of her friends peter away and it's good for her to have someone who's always there and supportive of her even when she's making a decision you don't approve of.

In my experience its unfortuntely always the guys who rush into things and are crazy full on at the start of the relationship that end up being arseholes. They're often the ones you find cheating or having emotional affairs as they're hooked on the rush of 'falling in love', or will simply sack their wives/ girlfiends off for somebody else once that first blush of romance fades as. Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but it has happened to me and people who I know. I really hope it doesn't happen to your friend, but it would be raising huge red flags for me too.

It might all work out! But yes it's fast and appears to be lead by him. She seems happy with this at the moment and I agree its early days.

There is absolutely nothing you can do about this other than show a real interest in your friend and make sure you stick around just incase.

Maybe you could visit her in Ireland and make 'friends' with him. The more you express your concern the more likely she is to keep her distance from you.

I hope she stays happy.

You can be clever about this though without being overtly critical. You could ask questions about contingency plans, how the children are feeling after being uprooted and what plans they have to help them feel more settled, what research she's done about his previous marriage breaking up and whether there are any as yet undisclosed children from the marriage. That sort of thing. You could frame it in such a way that if this was a new friend or business associate, you'd do some homework before committing yourself and your children to a permanent arrangement and this is no different.

As a side issue, isn't it so important that as parents we teach girls that happiness in life won't come from knights on white chargers and that self-respect will come from their own resourcefulness?