Detachment in marriage

[Jessdurberville]

Hoping to get some advice on here about whether or not the relationship I have with my husband is within the realms of 'normal' or whether we need some help. We have busy lives - both trying to re-build careers as recession wiped out our business, naturally money is tight but we get by. We have 3 kids - ages 14, 10 and 8. We married while I was pg with first, we had been together 2 years at that point and very much in love - rarely argued etc etc.

I know marriages go through ups and downs and we have been through plenty of that. it seems that every 'down' takes a toll on our relationship and I feel sad/ bereft that there is very little love or tenderness left. We never hold hands, never kiss except for brief goodbye or during sex, we never hug. We have sex every week or so - it's nice but in a funny sort of way we are quite shy with each other. I don't think I could bring myself to discuss what I would enjoy, I've tried to hint but he doesn't seem to get it.

I notice we don't make eye contact very much, I feel like DH doesn't even particularly like me much any more. When there is conflict it tends to be over our very different parenting styles - I don't like the way he gets shouty very quickly, he gets as angry for minor misdemeanors as for major which I think is confusing for the kids, he points his fingers at them while shouting (which I can't bear), he gets very cross with eldest who does have his teenage moments but is generally very reliable, gets great grades, behaves well and babysits at the drop of a hat for us. he doesn't seem to get that the kids shouting at each other is a direct consequence of the way he speaks to them.

My upbringing was quite dysfunctional so I don't feel I have a good grasp of what is normal and acceptable in a family. I struggle with my own anger issues (I have smacked the kids on occasion which I am not proud of) but having read up a lot on anger management I feel I have a handle on my own issues and haven't lost my temper for a long time. If I try to discuss his disciplining of the kids with DH he shouts and me and brings up the smacking incidents, something he has never done. He has never raised a hand to anyone in his life. Sorry this is so long but pouring everything out - we do have some good times together, he is very funny and great company though we sometimes struggle for conversation when on our own. There is a distance or coldness between us that I don't know how to address, I hate discussing things like this with him as he will either say that I am blaming him/ start saying 'why don't you leave then if you're so miserable'/ or withdraw even more and be very cold towards me until things go back to normal.
What would you do?

I urge you to talk to each other before you get to the point of no return.. try to make some time to do this... when you won't be interrupted. It is very easy to lose emotional intimacy when you have dealt with the issues you mention - teenagers, recession, money worries.. easy to assume that you are both definitely there for each other no matter what - as I found - you should never assume.

Thanks Deb, the loss of emotional intimacy just about sums things up. What's your story? I know we need to talk, I've been putting it off until he finishes a big project which takes a lot of his time at the moment. I think it would feel like I was making demands at an already stressful time. Would love to hear how you think I should phrase things so it doesn't sound like I'm trying to apportion blame.

'Normal' is that, whether you agree or disagree, whether it's a good day or a bad day, you should still fundamentally like each other. 'Normal' is being able to be yourself, communicate freely, say anything and do anything without fearing the reaction of the other person. If you don't like each other and don't feel you can talk about things without it turning into a slanging match I'd say you had a pretty poor relationship

"I hate discussing things like this with him as he will either say that I am blaming him/ start saying 'why don't you leave then if you're so miserable'/ or withdraw even more and be very cold towards me until things go back to normal."

What he's doing here is threatening you rather than accept that there is something that he needs to change. Because you don't want to leave and because you don't want the cold-shoulder treatment you cave in.... then he wins. It's bullying.

These things just build without anyone stoking things or being particularly in the wrong ime.
But I am bad for assuming things, guessing that I've done something to annoy DH which is why he is in a bad mood, putting my interpretation on things. Often it will turn out to be somehing else entirely.

If he is shouting and getting angry then your DH is not happy wih the way things are either.

Talking to (at) him won't work as it is like nagging. Instead you need to arrange a quiet hour together where you can both discuss things giving each other time to speak/ respond until you feel that you have aired what you want to. And prewarn that you plan this so you can think what you both want to talk about. And if it goes well and helps your relationship then arrange to do it weekly/ monthly. It should be a private place where no one overhears.

Just lost a long reply as site went offline. Thanks for the words of wisdom - some valuable nuggets of wisdom here.

Springdiva - it's true that DH doesn't seem happy either, when things are on an even keel he seems fine but the way his anger goes from 0 to 60 over any little thing makes me think there is a lot simmering under the surface.

Cogito - it's not so much that things turn into a slanging match, it just seems that when we discuss things we reach an impasse very quickly. If I don't agree with him i will say so, he is very clever and good at picking holes in my position (over anything - work/ cooking/ discipline) but we never seem to reach a compromise - we walk away both thinking they are in the right. If we discuss something and I come around to his way of thinking I will always say 'ok, you've convinced me' or 'yes, that makes sense', recently I phoned him from work to say 'ok, you can now say I told you so' (someone let me down as DH said he would). I cannot think of one situation where I have ever managed to convince him to my point of view, ever.

"we discuss things we reach an impasse very quickly"

Yes, that always happens when you have one person in the debate who is not prepared to adjust their opinion or accept they might need to change but is quite happy to pick holes in everyone else and follow it up with 0-60 anger. I'm glad you don't always cave because that would be the worst thing you could do. But I don't think it makes for a happy life living with someone so angry, critical and unwilling to compromise. He's a bully.