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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

problem with sister

13 replies

Seabean · 12/03/2013 15:37

i'm unable to cope any longer with a very aggressive, abusive sister. thankfully we live 4 hours apart. we have had serious bust-ups and didn't speak for 2 years at one point. i have other sisters who have been verbally attacked as well. however, her anger seems to be directed mostly at me. i must be to blame for setting her off. she doesn't speak to MIL, has fallen out with most of her friends and the bombshell came when her husband told her at Xmas he loved someone else. he's gone back to her but i don't think it'll work out. i'm not saying im blameless i;m sure she could call me for a few things, but i am afraid of her. i don't speak my mind when im with her and this current row is because me and my hubby can't make her husband's 50th. i said to her why are you organising a party for him when he's done this to you? i got screamed at down the phone. she says im not supporting her. says she's trying to save her marriage. im 50 this year and she's told me (before this argument) that she wouldn't be able to make my birthday. i said that's ok. i didn't kick up a fuss. i am so angry with her. i feel so anxious, sick and alone. i have no-one to speak to about this. my other sisters try to brush under carpet and i can't tell my mum and dad. they're too old. i wouldn't want upset them. anyone else got a loony in the family?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 15:50

If you live 4 hours apart just quietly drop contact again. Leave the phone on the hook and the birthday invites unposted. If she's such a nasty piece of work, no wonder her husband is looking for affection elsewhere... Hmm Siblings IMHO are entirely dispensible.

Original poster
Seabean · 12/03/2013 16:18

thank you CES. i have to work this out. it helps to get feedback.:(

OP posts:
RooneyMara · 12/03/2013 17:09

Oh you poor thing. I have a slightly loony sister but nothing like as mental as yours Sad

I think I would be avoiding any contact tbh - cut her off entirely. Can you countenance doing that?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/03/2013 17:11

The thread "Some thoughts about "toxic" people" on this board might be of interest to you, Seabean.

You have a duty to yourself that trumps duty to a family member any time (and twice on Sundays Wink). This goes to your mental health and that can be at risk in any number of ways by long term exposure to emotionally abusive people.

Let your other sisters deal with her. The way forward, imho, is to recalibrate your reactions. You are the only one who can choose how you react to her. Be dismissive-as dismissive to her as she has been to you; you've been well trained in that, so use it. Keep on being civil, but you can be brief and and simple. Do not engage with her, only respond. One word answers get extra value points.

In my experience, with my sister, I am either a doormat or a bitch. I was a doormat for over 4 decades. The worm has turned and I don't care who thinks I am a bitch. Enough is enough.

CogitoErgo: "Siblings IMHO are entirely dispensible." Thank you! I needed to see that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/03/2013 17:59

I think parents are a different classification. There is some obligation, I believe, to attempt to retain a relationship with difficult parents because ultimately they created us, raised us, life is finite, they pass on and regrets - something I've seen far too often - are often harder to live with than the original problem. Clearly when there has been abuse there's no obligation and I don't think retaining a relationship should mean anyone demeaning themselves... just that there's a (old fashioned word alert) duty to give it a shot.

But not siblings. We share DNA, we share parents and we share a past... but other than that we are independent adults and we owe them nothing

redwellybluewelly · 12/03/2013 18:08

I also have a sister who I want nothing to do with, although younger she has spent most of her life bullying and manipulating me.

The rest of my family think she is wonderful so slowly but surely they are dropping ties to me.

What andthebandplayedon says is what I am currently working through with a counsellor, I cannot change her, she has made her choice and I need deal with my expectations while protecting myself from further hurt.

Original poster
Seabean · 12/03/2013 18:12

i cant tell you how helpful this has been to me. thank you so much for feedback. i am taking all the advice in and i will use it. i have been trapped into thinking i have to have a relationship with her (good or bad). my extended family are all abused by the bitch as well. deep breath. i feel better.

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 12/03/2013 18:20

It's not compulsory to see your sister. Seriously, life's too short. My sympathy to you and to redwelly and others going through this Sad

Hissy · 12/03/2013 20:34

Definitely look into Toxic People. You have a right to be respected.

Call your BIL directly and tell him you can't make his birthday bash, that you're very sorry, but it's unavoidable.

Sounds like he's lived through hell, and while I never approve of cheating, if she's like this with you, imagine what she'd be like with others.

You deserve respect, but you'll not get it unless you expect it and enforce your boundaries.

You have to cut her off. I cut mine off almost a year ago, I have no sister, my dad too has gone, neither one of them is of any loss to me. I'll cut my mum off too if I have to, and she knows it.

I've had enough disrespect in my life, and from now on I won't tolerate any more of it.

Stay strong, and focus on yourself and those that deserve your love.

Original poster
Seabean · 12/03/2013 20:42

Hissy, good advice. he's quite spineless to be honest and now he's been cheating on her i actually have a bit more respect for him. i will look into Toxic People. i'm sorry and sad to hear you're having similar problems. And to you Sarahseashell. advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 12/03/2013 22:35

Well her husband has probably had many years living with her, which is far more contact than you and look how you feel. If he found someone else why did he not leave/go back to your sister? I feel sorry for him too.

You don't have to put up with her being abusive to you. If she swears or shouts you say 'It is not acceptable to me for you to do that so I'm putting the phone down now'. click That sort of thing.

I agree with phoning the husband direct to apologise for not going.

WafflyVersatile · 12/03/2013 22:50

Sorry that came out like I was being critical of you and as if you didn't have to grow up with her. I was just trying to say that you feel intimidated with phone calls and occasionally seeing her so he probably does too but he lives with it every day.

Original poster
Seabean · 13/03/2013 07:31

no probs WafflyV. you're absolutely right. i predicted he would leave her years ago. it's now a case of when not if. then i will find some peace. my other sisters will have to be the shoulders to cry on. i will take no more. i blurted it all out to my husband last night, who knows we have had a fight but wasn't aware of how wound up i was. he is so supportive. brought me a glass wine and gave me a hug etc! the mad bitch's husband stays in work as long as possible. she's lonely. i wonder why. onwards and upwards. thanks Mumsnetters. your'e all brill. xx

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