Dp works away, likely to increase - against moving... Vexed!

[Piffle]

Short (hopefully) synopsis - I have ds 12 and dd 3.5 - dp and I together 6 yrs
Lived in Hants 2000-2004 dd born 2002 I am SAHM for at least next 4-5 yrs (some special needs)
moved to Sth Lincs Sept 2004
We were able to move as dp's company offered him an inter office transfer.
Then in 2005 his company was bought out by big US firm.
They asked him to help design a special technical innovation centre...
Back in Hants
He designed it, then got asked to implement it, no biggies, 3 weeks of 100 hr weeks, finished, over with. Dp gets (deserved) big award which he/we fly to USA to get awarded, like corporate Oscars, very nice indeed
He then gets offered to deputy manage this place
HUGE and I mean for him HUGE career opportunity. But means he must be there 4 nights (leaving 6 am mon-coming home Fri pm)
He has taken it on 6 mths trial, its is 5 mins from where we moved from.
Ds is in first yr at grammar school and flying ahead and so happy. DD is all sorted with nursery and all her medical and SN appointments.
I love my big house, we are close to his parents and my mum.
We left Hants as we could not afford a decent suized house and my ds needed a very good school - neither of these factors has changed.
Dp has taken on the role for a trial which means no pay rise until he accepts fully. We are due to review end of summer, if we cope with time apart then he'll accept. If not..
this is the problem... we either move of f**k up his career which loks very good.
We have been trying for 3 yrs for another child with no success. Him being away will kibosh that. There would be payrise but it would have to be tens of thousands to afford us the house we have up here and the schooling ds gets.

Now when he gets back after 5 days away he is knackered, is short tempered with ds, and has no energy to head out for family days out at w/e.

For him to revert bakc to old jon would mean stagnat career possibly loss of job at some point due to our location, were he to quit and seek new job withing comute of us here, he would take massive salary drop and mortage would be an issue.
I said I would downsize house in a heartbeat to stay here, do is set on his career being a priority.
This is truly tearing me apart, I almost feel like I have choose between what I feel is right for my kids and me, to what is right for one person
But he is our provider
WTF do I do?
Sorry this is looonnnnnnnnnnnnnng

well I would say move to where his job is and downsize

my H started working away a lot during the week and ended up having affair & leaving

NOW whilst this isnt everyone, I do think that being apart all week is hard
I have 2 friends whose husbands work away all week and they find it hard

dont know what else to say....

thx MM
but to downsize to where he now works would cost us as much as it does now for half the house and non of the schooling.
As for affairs.. well I'm prepared to risk that for my kids tbh, he is not the cheating type (I know you'll think I'm naive)

no I dont think you'e naive - maybve I was

all Im saying is that it is hard with them working away

I was fully prepared to move 200 miles away from all firends & family for husband but he kept changing his mind - 8 mths agon I foudn out why

gosh, this is a dilemma. My thoughts are stay where you are, downsize your current house and plan for his looking for other work where you are now adn not to accept the career opportunity. No fun for any of you for w/ends to be hard cos your dh is tired out etc.

Sorry you're going through this Piffle - I know what you mean about houses round here. I was in Suffolk yesterday and went to see a colleague's house she's just bought. It was £200k and is a 5 bedroom town house. Very jealous.

You need to sit down and write a list of all the pros and cons of living where you are and putting up with him being away or upping sticks again but not having the things you like about living in Lincs.

If you up sticks, sod's law is something else will happen and he'll have to relocate jobs again!

i can sympathise, my dh started the job in november last year and most weeks leaves at 6am on monday and doesn't get back til friday evening, so i'm at home with 2 kids on my own. its no fun with one partner away all the time and it is very hard work.

when we move i will be a sahm for a while as i've had to hand in my notice at work due to relocating. we are leaving behind all our family which i'm about, but after giving it a great deal of thought, we have decided to move to where dh's job is. For us, as a family unit, this move will give us all a better future but in order to do it we are both making compromises, i think this is the key factor to making big decisions like this. dh's career is now taking a slightly different path but he is prepared to do this as he can see the long term goal we have, if he hadn't been, i'm not sure i would be agreeing to such a big move

Exactly Galaxy. I am so happy here, I wondered if I was being selfish.
I think I might surreptitious retrain.. that way if push comes to shove and DP needs to leave his job, my income could shoulder the burden.
WE could get 4 bed house here (way smaller but still a good size house) for about £70k less so that's definitely an option.

something we can discuss on out lakewalks Lucy

sorry i am not much help here,its all bloody money eh.
What a stressful time for you.I wouldnt be with my dp if he worked away

Piffle....you need to do what is right for all of you.

IMO, it would be unfair to unsettle ds from a school that he is happy at and one that stimulates him - there's no state grammar school near here is there other than Guildford?

I came home raving about Suffolk yesterday and saying how I'd take a job in our Ipswich office in one came up..Bought back downto earth when dh reminded me that the in-laws have just moved here to be closer to us

Quire right, there is no school..
unless dp got a raise in the many tens of thousands for private schooling for him.
We even though about enquiring at Christs (borading)College for him a place - that way we got get a loer bedroomed place - cost being relative...
End result..
i still would resist moving
I love dp dearly he has always worked away 2 days a week - I manage fine with the 2 we have. I wonder how easy it would be to give up the last child and whether that would lead to restentment
Arrghhh issues

We talked about it last night, it ends up one of two ways
End of 6 mths trial in this job and he loves it... we ask company for help relocating and an improved salary package ( we have our own minimum established)
His position in that job would be untenable where he to step down. So he would need to quit. We could easily downsize within our area here.
Or he cold seek new job with the US company which now own his company in a new location - Harrogate has been mentioned
I know one thing, being apart is ruining things for us as a couple, we both agree on that.

I would relocate if your dh likes the new job. I cant imagine saking the main earner to give up on a fantastic career opportunity like this as i would have thought this could lead to all sorts of resentment in the future. totally understand the issues with schools etc but children do settle and personaly would prefer to do this than be apart for most of the week...but symapthies , i can see how difficult a decision it is..

Having had a quick look at houses down there we could afford it is so disheartening
What we have up here is about half of what we could afford down south :(
DP says so long as he could get another job he enjoyed, we could downsize, stay here and toddle along that way. He said his family is more important than career - downsizing would afford us the same disposable income too, so it would be less hard on everyone
But we'll see how the next few months develop.

Piff, glad you and dp have been able to talk openly about this and that he is able to understand your feelings.

What would you tell someone else to do in this situation? Write a list of all the pros and cons no dount. Also, have you spoken to ds about how he feels and what he would prefer?

piffle- this is so difficult, I know as we've moved about with my dh career and moved away from established family/ friends network to somewhere where we knew not a soul.
However children are very adaptable and I've found othere mums helpful and considerate when you are the new outsider.
We,ve also had peripds where he worked away in the USA for months- I hated it, the children really missed him- I learned then that the most important thing is to be living together as a family.
I also know how to many men - especially the professional type their career is very important to them for their self esteem and self confidence- the one time we had big problems was when my dh work position was taken away through redundancy.....long story but he was so miserable and lost the plot for a while. It is very easy to grow apart when you are leading seperate lives , so in my opinion- and it is only that- go with his job and make a new life together- don't contemplate long distance marriage- it does not work long term. think are you happiest when you are all together? If yes, do your pros and cons list and remember how adaptable children are. it does not have to be a negative experience moving your life as long as you are all on board and you are spending time as a family.....I would say however your dh does have to put the hours in at home if you do relocate otherwise you just end up being alone in a new place with no support network. good luck with your decision.

Well I've had another look at properties...
it is do able I guess, I'm being a little precious about ds, he got shuttled around through 3 primary schools and is a very high achiever, but suffered bullying at his old school (the area we would technically be moving back to)
So we could afford a reasonable 3 bed (miles smaller than our house now but big enough for us in all truth)
Bonus is that I do have one or two friends down that way as does ds.... Dd and all ehr specialists - she wold just revert back to her old ones. She is doing so well now anyway...
I am going to ask dp to enquire about potential salries and job longevity next week, if we had to move in 6 mths, I'd prefer to move at end of school yr tbh...
Galaxy dp's work is based at Farnborough (airfield way) we are looking at Fleet again, possibly new estates in Farnborough, just have some school details to check though too..

I thin it depends on how good your relationship is. The more you give up, the more you will resent it if the relatinship itself has too many issues. You cna cope with them whilst you have your support networks. But, his life is not the same as yours?

We are fine relationship wise - I would much rather have him here more than not. He was away 2 nights a week for the last yr and that was fine, but 5 is too much for me. I may get used to it. FWIW the kids are easy on my own tbh...
His life revolves around work, we would be moving away from all our family though - PIL often babysit and have kids for weekends and stuff, we would miss that big time.
It's a bit rock and hard place atm

decisions like this are horrible to have to make

one of our close friend's marriage has just split up because she could not handle having to live in a london suburb when she knew she could get a lovely 5 bed house in the country for the same price as her 3 bed (small) house. The husband could live with it as his career was taking off for the first time.

Don't underestimate your own needs in this piffle. Obviously there will have to be compromise. He may not even like this new job so I suppose you'll have to wait and see how much he really wants it.

GOod luck with your decision.

Piffle
will keep this short as i'm working, but used to work in a similar way, was away for long periods at times. also worked away mon - fri, was worn out as did 16 hour shifts at times. marraige didnt survive it, grew apart rapidly and lived seperate lives.i'm not saying it happens to everyone, but i put money first and it left me as sp. personally if job is long term i would always look at relocating but hardest for the kids.

whatever you do think carefully first and be patient, you will work it out.

Piffle, I'll be your pal if you move back down this way Well that's when I'm not away with work or late back from London!
And you'd save on p+p when you buy my dd's clothes for your gorgeous little one
Still wondering how ds feels about a possible move?

As for schools, have you thought about seeing if ds can get a scholarship to one of the private schools?

Piffle, I'll be your pal if you move back down this way Well that's when I'm not away with work or late back from London!
And you'd save on p+p when you buy my dd's clothes for your gorgeous little one
Still wondering how ds feels about a possible move?

As for schools, have you thought about seeing if ds can get a scholarship to one of the private schools?

did wonder, but scholarships are normally sports and music, ds although fab at guitar is not fab in the learnt all the grade sense and his sports is lamentable by his own admission!
I am sure he would fare fine in a middling school although would be very keen to keep him in all boys if possible.
Dp has said today that us moving back down and to a smaller house would not sit well with him either
He has touted, downsizing here, him contracting in London as and when on higher net income, packing off loads against the smaller mortage saving hard and supporting my retraining then both working with no mortgage and less pressure on his income
He wants to be a
carpenter
deep down
I LOVE HIM so much!

Sweet