Any hope for us?

[Bababaababanana]

I've changed name for this, not that anyone here would recognise me, but dh knows my normal username and I'd hate him to read this.

I don't know where to start really. I apologise if this is long, I don't want to drip feed.

We have been married for 8 years. It was a whirlwind relationship, moved in withing a few months, pregnant a few later and married when dd was 3 months.

We have had some major changes in that time which have essentially meant that we live the other side of the country from any family. I gave up my job (which I adored) to move and although we thought we'd be better off financially, circumstances changed almost as soon as we'd moved and dh started earning a lot less than we'd banked on.

Fast forward through 3 years of debt, 2nd dd, pnd, antidepressants, I eventually got a job (completely different but which I luckily also adore). My confidence has come back, I am off the ad's, we are on a dmp but paying a large chunk and will hopefully be free of debt in a couple of years.

I suppose this is the point of my post, sorry, I'm not with it at all. Dh and I have not had sex for nearly a year. We rarely sleep in the same bed. Our relationship has been disintegrating over the last year and I don't know if we can, or if I want to, save it.

We are at the stage where we don't kiss each other goodbye in the morning, don't make eye contact, don't seem to agree on anything.

I do feel sad about it, but tbh, I have been fantasising about living in a smaller house/flat, just me and the dds for a while now.

I know it would be hard and please don't think I think single parents have it easy, I know they don't. I just don't know how long we can go on like this. He can't be happy either, but we seem incapable of talking about it. The last time I mentioned not being happy, he gave me a long list of all my faults. I know I'm not perfect, but the more he went on, the less I cared and the less upset I felt. I don't know anyone else who seems to dislike me as much as he does.

I've answered my own question haven't I.

I don;t know what to do

would either of you consider counselling or do you feel beyond that?

He did mention it last year, when I said I wasn't happy. I said I would too, but we can't afford it. We've not spoken about "us" since.

That time I started the onversastion by saying we need to sort this one way or another. I said I wasn't prepared to carry on living like we were. I've done nothing though, neither has he. We're just existing.

I needn't have typed that all out, it's obvious isn't it.
We either talk properly and sort it or end it.
Sorry to have wittered on.

As you haven't mentioned any domestic violence I think you need to have some counselling to work on your relationship. I know my marriage vows didn't say I will stay with my dh until I am not that happy with you/ have a crap sex life. Marriage should, excluding abuse be a lifelong commitment. Also your daughters deserve to live with both parents and their needs are more important than yours while they are still children. I really hope you can work things out.

don't be sorry, sometimes things need to be voiced out loud (or typed!) before you realise. It does sound like you've made up your mind though.

xx

Pearly, I think I half agree with you. I would like to work it out, but there is a strong possibility that we just don't like/love each other anymore. If that is the case (I honestly don't know, I change my mind every hour about how I feel at least and I don't know about his feelings either yet), then I disagree that we should stay together for the dds. I appreciate that there is no domestic violence here, but that is only right and normal, not a reason to stay.

I don't want my daughters to think that being with someone has to be like this. They used to see us holding hands and cuddling all the time. I'd like to get that back but if we can't, I'm not prepared to accept a life like that for any of us.

Thanks Meemar

x

Don't say sorry here - if nothing else, typing it all out can help you clarify your thoughts.

I'm no expert (and I hope the real experts will be along soon) but can you set a time when you and DH can sit down quietly and discuss this? Do it in a way that doesn't put all the blame on one partner or the other - work out what you each want to change, then see if you can find a way to make your marriage work for both of you.

And I have had times when we drifted far enough apart that I have fantasised about living with just the DDs - we got back from that time, so it can be possible.

Poledra, thanks. Just writing it has really helped me see that I need to take control of things at least. We've just been drifting along and I don't know why I've let it slide so badly.

There always seems to be some reason why I don't want things to come to a head, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Good to hear you've come out the other side though.

Feel a bit sick about it actually now. No time like the present so will start the talk tonight. We have something coming up at the end of the month which I'm going to struggle to get through with things how they are, so probably as well to get it all out in the open.

Good luck with your chat later.
I hope it all works out for you both in the end, which ever way you decide to go.

OP you are miserable, it is likely your DH is too and just because there isnt abuse it doesn't mean you have to live like this. DDs do come first of course but living with two miserable parents, one of whom seems to actively dislike their mother is no role model for DDs. Counseling to work out what to do or how to separate would be wise but you absolutely have to have the conversation.