Long distance relationship feasability!!

[Runningonempty222]

Hello
I have found myself in a long distance relationship because my partner moved to France due to work in Januray - before he went we were questioning if it was going to work out with us or not as we had only been dating for 7 months. I am a single Mum and this is the first semi serious relationship since I separated from my children's Dad nearly 4 years ago and I was really enjoying having this guy in my life and then he left!
We are trying to find a way through this but it's hard and I wonder if any others out there have any experience of having a LDR and if it worked out for you or not?!

It's a shame he's had to go to France.
My ex worked in the UK but a 3+ hour drive away in the week.
He'd be up early on the Monday and then back on the Friday.
So we just got weekends together.
This was OK but it was every weekend.
It was when he was with me all the time it got too much
No reason why it can't work out but I think you will just have to see how it goes for now.

Yes, it certainly can work out. I had a 4 year LDR that worked (we now live together). It can be done but it can?t ? I think ? be indefinite as I think that?s too much of a strain for most people, maybe not all.

The things that helped in our case were

• Being able to plan weekends in advance ? this gave us something to look forward to (and the excitement of planning and meeting up was one of the fun parts of the LDR) but also kept the transport costs down as last minute travel tended to be much more expensive. Also transport connections for us were super convenient which helped ? there were places in the UK it would have been much harder to manage. It also helped that we both liked to know we had dates in the diary ? some people prefer to be a bit more open ended and I think that?s hard in an LDR ? I did have a previous UK LDR where he was forever making up his mind or changing it at the last minute. It was a nightmare ? I felt permanently uncertain and with no control over my own diary (my own fault for not taking control). So I tend to think that a similar outlook in planning helps.

• Lots of Skype and a fair amount of email ? to keep in touch with each other ? this built up over time. And it helps you keep in touch with the little things and feel less cut off from each other. (Statement of the blindingly obvious!)

• A cut off point ? in our case my DP had a 3 year secondment in a country much closer to the UK than his home country ? the end of the secondment (if we hadn?t simply fallen apart before then) was always an obvious point where we would have to think seriously about what was happening in the relationship and was either of us prepared to move country/job etc. I think that if the situation is completely open ended it can be harder to make a decision ? but in our case his work gave us a timetable. So if there isn?t a ?natural? timetable then it may be worth thinking about how long you are willing to go with a situation before you would need to make changes ? maybe even agree a date together, at least for a review. Might help you feel more in control of the situation and less at its mercy?

Those are the things that really helped our situation - what bits are you finding hard? The not seeing each other as much? We coped relatively well on seeing each other approx twice a month, sometimes more ? and it also helped us not swamp each other in the early days ? but it may not work for everyone especially if you are used to having more contact to start with.

Does he have any scope to ?work from home? that he could spend with you in the UK? (He might not want to do this early on while he is still establishing himself, but would it ever be an option later on?) My DP couldn?t work from home but I could ? my workplace was very accommodating ? and I got to spend the odd week working from his place which helped us see more of each other and definitely helped overall. With a little one you probably can?t be the flexible one here, but maybe he could?

I suppose what I am saying is that an LDR isn?t ideal but it can have some exciting sides to it and if you don?t have to live with the idea that it?s permanent then you can organise your way around most bits of it and a relationship can certainly develop and grow during an LDR.

I think I am at the stage in my life with work/children/friends that means I have space for a relationship but really want it to be with someone who is relatively nearby. I don't always find it easy to share my life with someone and having the distance between us makes it a lot harder.
Having said that I value what I have with my DP and it works in a way that is surprisingly easy most of the time.
I thank you Hawthorn for your reply - I think the point about a cut offpoint is a good one, at the back of my mind is the worry that he could decide to stay in France for longer than this initial 18 months and I couldn't cope with this situation in the long term. I am in my 40s and it feels a bit like time is running out for me with the whole dating scene thing!
He is back this weekend and so I will make sure we talk about it.

All the best of luck Running....I think Altinkum is right - if you both want it to work it will work.

And I was at the very end of my 30s when my LDR began, so I understand the qualms and still say it can work