How do grandparents feel they need to treat grandchildren?

[Fiddlediddlesticks]

Obviously there's no 'normal' but thought a variety of views but a variety of views may help she'd some light.

Basically we have a set of grandparents who only have one grandchild, our child. They boast about him to friends, as they are abroad they rarely see him. They tell all their friends and announce on social media sites when they are looking forward to seeing him.But when they do they don't do anything with him, even barely communicating with him unless they are seeing friends or extended family. We've visited them a few times, and they declined to go out to dinner with us and it was up to us to cook and they'd eat but at a different time to us.
On the days out we had, they stayed in the car, but claim to friends about all the days out they've had.
For birthdays they give him £20, I don't know if this is stingy or not as they are quite wealthy but we accept it gratefully from our son.
During times apart they expect phone calls but will never call.
There's also a whole range of other things.
We are at the point of wondering whether to protect our son from this and have reduced contact but since then have accused us of creating eggshells for them. Apparently they have done all they can and its up to us to mend this and they are feeling hurt from it all.
They explain their lack of effort as a result of us.

Either way I'd be interested to hear from what is expected from a grandparent-grandchild relationship. How grandparents like to treat their grandchildren/ feel they want to treat their grandchildren like. And anything along those lines.

Nothing is expected. Grandparents come in all shapes and sizes. The thing to remember is that children are not daft. They quickly work out who they like and who they want to be with. They don't need 'protecting' from grandparents who are rather distant or awkward, they just take it as read that Overseas Granny is not the cuddly, knitting and taking you to the park sort and treat them accordingly

I had two very different sets of grandparents. One set were very present and active and I miss them hugely. The other set didn't bother with us at all and I think I saw them twice my whole life. I never had a relationship with them and therefore don't miss them at all.

So take your overseas GPS as you find them, don't try to force them into some Ideal Granny mould, and then let your DC make up their own minds.

How old are the grandparents?

What seems like sitting in a car being lazy to one person may genuinely be seen as a great day out to an older person lacking in energy.

People do get set in their ways and it can be hard to get them to do stuff but it doesn't mean they don't enjoy seeing you and your DC.

I think you have to let go of preconceptions of what grandparents should be and accept that this is who they are. Everyone is different and it doesn't sound as though they're doing anything that will harm or traumatise the children.

DS has two very different sets of grandparents.
One set is keen on the grandchildren, always give them presents that they chose, as well as quite a lot of money for birthdays and Christmas, arrange to have them around at least once a week, and called every week (or we did) when we lived in another country.
The other set, likes the grandchildren and like having them around, but don't actually show that much interest, usually give a card and tenner for birthdays and Christmas, and rarely talk to them when they visit. Now that they live in a different country, they don't take the opportunity to talk to DS when his dad does. Maybe once or twice a year.

Thank you. Thats really useful. They are early 50s. The only problem is they blame us as the reason they are the way they are. It would be easier if they were like this but accepted it as that's how they want to be rather than a result of the way their son doesn't pander to their every need anymore. They have said they look forward to spoiling grandchildren from their other children which is the reason we feel we may need to protect DS from the possible rejection. But like you say, children do know

So you keep up the polite social convention stuff.... observing birthdays, Christmas and so forth. Your DH (because it's obviously his mum and dad, not yours :) ) phones them every so often with updates. And any obviously funny business like whingeing on about walking on eggshells, you treat as you would any other awkward person and either ignore or say something. As they're in another country, there's a limit to their influence.

Kids really do pick their own relatives. My DM has idolised 12yo DS from birth and been very good to both of us, standing in with child-care when needed even though she's 200 miles away etc. But she tends to be rather bossy and prickly so does he look forward to her visits...? Nope. He thinks she's an annoying nutter. :) (From the mouths of babes)

From what you have posted it sounds like they prefer the fantasy of being a grandparent to the reality. I may be wrong of course.

I don't have grandchildren yet, but it may not be too long and I've been thinking about it a bit recently. I fully expect to spoil them rotten, babysit when asked and be an allround lovely nan, but I may be a complete disaster instead. Can't wait to do some of the things we did with our own children - trips to zoo, theme parks etc. Did they really stay in the car when you went out? Seems very odd.

My own grandparents were lovely and we had quite alot of involvement with them. Went to one set every Sunday for tea and stayed with both sets for a week at a time. They didn't have much money so not much in the way of expensive presents, but had things that were worth more than money.

Ok thank you for your inputs.

Yes, the days we went out were really lovely and warm and they decided to stay in the car despite being invited numerous times to come out for a walk. They weren't any strenuous activity type things, especially as DS was a toddler. They said they'd rather have a sleep in the car, but later turns out they went to get themselves ice creams and drinks and when DS indicated he'd like a refreshment as it was so warm, they insisted we had better get home as there's water there . I think you are right in that they know what the fantasy is and want to mention that but don't want to do it. They will live up to it if other people they know are around, in which case they will interact with him.

Nonetheless, there were days we were there, when they wanted to parade DS to relatives and in doing so took, days off previous to these and spent the whole day baking a cake to take to said relatives house. In the process ignoring DS presence. Eventhough we offered to buy nice cakes etc or bake for them so they could spend time with DS... They only very occasionally bake.

I am a Grandma and I live overseas from my only grand daughter.
I love her very much but find it difficult to see her as much as I would like.
I care for my elderly dad and can't leave him unless my brother can pop over to Ireland to take over.
I have just spent a week with her and my son and dil. It was my gd's second birthday. I spent about £70 on presents and had painted her a picture for her room. During the week I took her shopping (an exciting trip for her) swimming and playing with her. I felt every moment was precious. The weather was cold and wet so we could not get out as much as I would like. I occasionally see dresses or outfits that I think are nice and post them over. Sometimes just ribbons or silly hair stuff. She likes a hat and a handbag, so the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Stuff and money is nothing, time is all. I wish I could give her my time.
My Dad needs me now. In time my beautiful grand daughter will see more of me. Now she has her own Dad and her brilliant Mum and her other Grandparents. I missed her babyhood, just catching occasional glimpses. I worry how much more of her childhood I shall lose?

Some people do prefer the fantasy to the reality, or find they can't cope well with the reality. MiL is like this. She's always talking about how much she adores DD, can't wait to see her, and how she will help out whenever we need - but she rarely makes contact and when she does see DD, she sort of just... watches her, and doesn't want to do anything care-wise. Which I find a little difficult as to me I would like to know that she has changed nappies, fed DD etc before I feel fully comfortable letting her look after DD alone, but she doesn't want to do anything like that. I think when she actually spends time with DD she realises that a 13mo is actually too much for her. So I've just adjusted my expectations. She is just as much a GP as the other three (more active and involved GP's) are, but she does different things.

I'd say that your IL's have shown what they are going to be like, so just adjust your expectations and accept them for the GPs they are going to be.

I love as much involvement as I can get with my grandchildren and step grandchildren.All but 2 [the youngest] live too far away for day to day stuff but I love to talk to them on the phone and enjoy buying little treaty things I think they will like.
I do stockings at Christmas and they all know I will buy any book they ask for at any time.
With the two local ones [my dd's boys] I have done regular childcare since they were babies.I love them all so much that I can't describe it and my one ambition is to live long enough for them all [including youngest who is 4] to have real memories of me after my death.

DS's grandparents are a different kettle of fish, too.
I live abroad.
My DF: plays, tickles, picks up to show him things out of the window. Won't push the pram
My DM: blabbers on to whoever listens that she 'can't wait' to see her DGS then doesn't pay him much attention, very distant. Came to stay for 3 weeks when newborn, didn't change a nappy, didn't offer to hold him for half an hour while I had a kip. Nada.
DFIL: elderly but likes playing, especially when DS tries to steal his hat! They have a very special bond.
(DMIL sadly no longer with us, but she was bloody brilliant with kids.).

I take it all in my stride and, yes, DS will work out who's great and who's boring eventually. My own GPs were a mixed bag.

thegreylady you brought a tear to my eye and a lump to my throat - I'm sure you're a fabulous GM and your GC adore you

Definately agree that all GP are different and its nowt to do with age / money.

I have 5 GD and love them all....... because I work and have commitments to animals ( and when all well with the DP's ) I am not a pop round every day / week even when some of them lived nearby .

However when s* hit the fans with DP's The moved back in, I did my bit with nappies/ childcare etc and enjoyed it all. Once all was well and they moved away I have visited as often as I can, they visit me and I try to do as much as possible re activities ( park, walks, reading etc).

However my stamina is not as it used to be and I do not have as much patience either ( there is a reason we have a menopause ) so sometimes I do just like to take a wee bit time out if its a long day !

Mind you ......... When we were out horse riding one day my eldest GD asked how old I was and when I told her she said I was "marvelous for my age" and that her other GM and friends GM's did not do as much as me, they just "sat around"

Mind you her other GM is far more "girly" then me and will talk non stop about fashion, music, make up etc. Me , I am quiet and practical and will do crafty stuff.

I agree with others .......... perceptions on both sides vary tremendously. There will be expectations and also fears of "getting it wrong" ..... eg I know there are times when I dont know whether advice / views would be welcome or not and I would not want to offend by saying something wrong but then again I would not want to seem disinterested either. Luckily I have a good relationship with me DD's and we realise everyone has different views and that often there is no right or wrong.

I think your DS will make up his own mind whether he likes to be with his GP or not .... if they are not exciting / interested in him he will sort it out .