How to stop myself falling apart...

[MrsWhirling]

Apologies for the long thread & I am not sure what advice I am looking for, I think I need to vent. DH & I have been married for 7 yrs, we have DD5 & DS14wks. About 2 years into our marriage I came very close to divorcing him when I found that he had filmed himself having sex with his disabled sisters cater at his parents home when no-one was there. Our DD was 6 months old & we were living at my parents house because we couldn't move into the house we purchased as he had ruined it with unnecessary building work which he could repair and was insisting we wait for his father(a builder) to fix and refusing to hire or let me hire anyone else to do. It was a year before we could move on. During this time he rarely came home, contributed finically and smoked skunk & took cocaine. He has rarely worked instead choosing only to work when a particular friend who owns his own company offers him casual cash-in-hand work. I am a proffessional who earns a decent wage, I have worked full time to pay for everything while my DM looks after DD as DH refuses to be a SAHD. Anyway, time has ticked by & I accepted my lot as he became a better dad & a slightly better husband. 2 weeks ago during a routine scan my DM was told she had a tumour on her liver. She is currently waiting the results of a PET scan. I have taken this very badly and have gone to pieces. I struggle to manage DD who has become a real handful. This morning DH&I had a massive row due to him undermining me while I was telling her off. During this row he told me that I was weak & he could break me emotionally if he wanted to. I am not weak neither is he more emtionally or intellectually stronger than me but I was shocked to see that he appears to on some level be enjoying the fact for the first time in our relationship I am vulnerable. He knows how close I am to my parents. Frankly I am shocked that a man I haves effectively looked after all these years can be so cruel. How to I stay strong enough to get through whatever the future holds for my DM and then deal with him? Xxx

Sorry have put into paragraphs to make it easier to read.

Apologies for the long thread & I am not sure what advice I am looking for.

I think I need to vent.

DH & I have been married for 7 yrs, we have DD5 & DS14wks. About 2 years into our marriage I came very close to divorcing him when I found that he had filmed himself having sex with his disabled sisters carer at his parents home when no-one was there.

Our DD was 6 months old & we were living at my parents house because we couldn't move into the house we purchased as he had ruined it with unnecessary building work which he could repair and was insisting we wait for his father(a builder) to fix and refusing to hire or let me hire anyone else to do.

It was a year before we could move in. During this time he rarely came home, contributed finically and smoked skunk & took cocaine.

He has rarely worked instead choosing only to work when a particular friend who owns his own company offers him casual cash-in-hand work.

I am a proffessional who earns a decent wage, I have worked full time to pay for everything while my DM looks after DD as DH refuses to be a SAHD.

Anyway, time has ticked by & I accepted my lot as he became a better dad & a slightly better husband. 2 weeks ago during a routine scan my DM was told she had a tumour on her liver. She is currently waiting the results of a PET scan. I have taken this very badly and have gone to pieces. I struggle to manage DD who has become a real handful.

This morning DH&I had a massive row due to him undermining me while I was telling her off. During this row he told me that I was weak & he could break me emotionally if he wanted to. I am not weak neither is he more emtionally or intellectually stronger than me but I was shocked to see that he appears to on some level be enjoying the fact for the first time in our relationship I am vulnerable.

He knows how close I am to my parents. Frankly I am shocked that a man I haves effectively looked after all these years can be so cruel. How to I stay strong enough to get through whatever the future holds for my DM and then deal with him? Xxx

Deal with him first. It's clear he's only interested in you as long as you're useful. He could 'break you emotionally if he wanted to?'.... is a horrible statement of complete and utter contempt. He sounds emotionally & physically absent, very cruel and utterly selfish. He resents you and is enjoying your upset. This is not someone who is going to support you through your DM's illness. This is a nasty piece of work.

So I would ask him to step out of the picture and go stay somewhere else for a while. I don't think you will notice he's gone, quite honestly.

My view would be to concentrate on you, your DD and mum.

I would have left years ago, but that easy for me to say that as I'm not in the middle of it all. But I think it now you need to choose whether to stay with this useless man or get on with your life and build a new good less stressful life for you and your dd.

May I suggest you report your duplicate post and ask mumsnet to delete it before it causes unnecessary confusion?

Now your h has revealed he believes he has the power to 'break you emotionally', you're best advised to end your farce of a marriage before he does just that - and enjoys himself immensely in the process.

At times like these you may be required to draw on every reserve you have in order to stay strong for your dm and for your dc and you'll very soon be running on empty if you allow your h to divert your attention from the ball and drain your resources by stealth.

I'm concerned that you regard your 5yo dd as 'real handful'. She may feel displaced by the recent arrival of her new sibling and your dm's health issues may be adversely impacting on her, which wouldn't be surprising given that your dm has played such a large part in her young life - children pick up a lot more by osmosis than we may give them credit for.

I send my very best wishes to your dm and sincerely hope her condition is more favourable than you may currently fear.

Thank you all. Very sound advice. What a cruel, cruel man.

BTW. I don't regard DD as a handful - she IS one. She is also clever, smart and loved to bits by all of us.

what a horrible, horrible man. protect your children and yourself and kick him out! you deserve better.

Rid yourself of the worthless prick. Sickening.

Take steps towards separating, now.

It sounds like this man is not capable of supporting you at a time when you need it. Therefore the best thing to do would be to remove him from your life, so that you can concentrate on your mum and your children. It sounds like you earn all the money and do everything, while he does very little.

I understand about the DD, I have a very wilful 5 year old, but with a lot of love and reward charts and praise for being good etc, she has really turned it around in the past twelve months. Starting school helped a lot too. you need to be firm without shouting and keep reinforcing rules etc. I had a massive meltdown with DD when she kept running off on the way home from school. Her teacher had a word with her and it did the trick. She gets a sticker on her chart each day for various things, getting dressed in the morning, walking home nicely, doing her reading, giving me cuddles , and she loves to see all the stickers mount up, then at the end of the week, gets to go to the shop and choose some sweets or a little treat.

It often takes a crisis (your mum's illness) for a true light to be shone on a relationship.

End it. I have rarely heard a description of a worse kind of man, and I read about lots on MN.