Can I ask what you do?

[Wheresthecoffee]

DS is 5 and DD 13 weeks. DP works full time in a new (and very stressful) job. I have severe PND which I'm having treatment for. There are still a lot more down days than up ones though. I'm all over the place at the minute and just can't see the wood for the trees.

I look after the children around the clock with DP doing the occasional bath/bottle etc. I do the washing, cleaning and so on. That doesn't bother me at all, it's part of being on maternity leave but I'm so resentful of him for not helping me more with the children. He has a good understanding of PND and the importance of me having a some time out which I think just makes it worse as it doesn't happen.

I have talked to him about it and asked him to help me more, but in a more structured way so that I know it will happen. He then refers to X day when he took the children for a few hours and says 'what more can he do? He's tired and needs to work'. I come out of these conversations feeling guilty and unreasonable with nothing resolved and so the resentment just continues. Our relationship is usually a very caring and close one, I'm so fed up though.

What do you do, does this sound like a balanced and fair division of childcare?

Assert yourself. 'I have PND and I'm struggling. I need your support. Support looks like this (be very specific here). ' Don't take no for an answer and, if he starts trying to justify his lack of effort, cut him off. All releationships are caring and close when there are no challenges. The true test of affection is what happens when the chips are down. So stop feeling guilty and unreasonable and be about 10x more demanding than you currently are. For example, he could quite easily take a few weeks off work....

BTW... do you have friends or family (mother?) that you could call on to help you through this emergency? Would your budget stretch to a nanny or a nursery place for your eldest?

Thanks for your reply, my mum is a big help in the daytime, she can come a couple of times a week and I don't know where I'd be without her. Although appealing, DP taking time off work isn't an option and neither are extra childcare costs.
I'm going to talk to him again later and be firmer about what I need.

Taking time off work is an option so please don't be so quick to dismiss it. Doesn't matter that his job is either new or high-pressure, there are obligations on employers to allow employees compassionate leave when there are family emergencies or illness. He can do this.

yy to being very specific about what you need because men don't understand hints e.g. 'when you come home please hold the baby/bath DS/hang washing/give me a cuddle...' whichever option you need most. Good luck

Yes, be very specific.
I need that you do this every day: say, bathe children, read story, put to bed, give tea, play for x time, etc.

And when you feel worse, just tell him you are going to take some time off and he's in charge.

What are his reasons he is giving for not doing more?

Don't even think or talk about it in terms of his "helping" you or "supporting" you.

He is their father too, so of course he must spend time looking after them. That isn't doing you a favour, it's part of the responsibility he took on when he chose to become a parent.

Just because you're on ML doesn't mean you're on duty 24/7.

Arrange some outside activities (nothing strenuous?coffee with a friend, shopping trip, just sitting on a park bench), hand over the DCs to their father, and do them. If you get out of the house it will do you good and it will mean he can't simply hand them back to you.

You need to schedule some free time for yourself. It's for the family's benefit as well as yours.

Having two DCs is hugely different from having one, and he can't expect his life not to change as a result.

Thank you all for your replies. I've never been shy of expressing what I need with DP but in recent months I've found it more difficult. I think maybe due to feeling so low and generally feeling that I'd lost my way a bit.

If I ask him directly to do something, he will, although it often comes with an 'i'm exhausted/need to finish XYZ' narrative. I guess I get fed up of asking and he doesn't take the initiative very much. I really feel the difference on days when I've not had a break, these are the times I need him to step in.

Lesser 'Don't even think or talk about it in terms of his "helping" you or "supporting" you'. I needed that reminder!

Op, I feel the same but I don't have pnd and I have one child who is 5 months.

Dh works from home, but is shut off in the office. It's soo hard!!!

Dd is a very high maintenance baby, and sometimes I get very stressed dealing with her on my own. I cannot imagine how I would cope with 2 children.

Dh has a tendency to watch me struggle with dd, I ll be trying to dress her and she ll be screaming her head off as she hates getting dressed, but he never offers to take over, just watches me and then doesn't understand why I get stressed!

If I ask for dh to mind dd whilst I go out for a few hours, he's questioning when does he get a break to do what he wants to do.

So I really do sympathise, it's really hard work especially when you feel you are doing everything.

Wen he whinges about being tired and having worked hard, point out that you are tired too and have worked hard too, plus with no breaks or renumeration or much adult conversation! You both work in the day, when he comes home, everything else that needs doing, either with the DC or housework, etc., should be shared equally between the two of you. Otherwise, his working day is 8-11 (for example) hours long and yours is 24-7. How is that fair? He should be ashamed of himself. And with a 13-week old, you have a new job too!

If he won't enable you having a break, then it's pointless saying he is understanding about your PND, because he simply can't be if he won't give you a break. Do you see? It's just paying lip service, which is no use to you.

It's great that your mum can help, but I bet you feel like you also want him to give you a break because you want to feel that you matter to him as much as you actually needing the break, am I right? You don't feel like you should have to ask or remind him that you not oly need, but deserve a break and for him to pull his weight.

Because the bottom line is, he should WANT to pull his weight at home, he should WANT to do stuff with his DC, the fun and the mundane, he should WANT to give you the breaks he purports to understand that you need to help mind, body and soul. He should WANT to do whatever it takes to enable you to recover as soon as possible. I suspect that part of your depression will be due to you doing too much and him not picking up the slack. It's not just the physical aspects of doing so much, it's the feelings of unfairness, inequality and being taken for granted, etc., that make you feel low too, I bet.

When not wen!