how do I initiate seperation

[uptherear]

I would like to seperate from my h. Perhaps on a trial seperation as really I would hope to salvage our rrlationship although I am losing hope.
No matter how many times I raise issues that are making me unhappy in our relationship nothing changes. At least not for more than a few days.

He works and I am a sahm. We have a joint mortgage. I know financially we really can't afford to seperate. Not sure what to do.

I also think I will have a job getting him to leave as he thinks everything is fine, he is happy, its me who has the problem do he won't want to leave. He will say 'where could I go?'. Thing is I would not want to upset the dc and move schools/house and so feel trapped and helpless.

I think you have to present an either/or choice. Either he leaves voluntarily and finds somewhere to go or you're off to see a solicitor and starting divorce proceedings. 'Separation' is essentially voluntary so, if he's not volunteering and can't be pressurised, you either do nothing and remain trapped and helpless... or you skip it completely, force the pace and go the legal route.

However, this is not going to be a nicey-nicey conversation, people (DCs) will get upset, and your life is going to change in lots of different ways. That's always the risk when you assert yourself. So have a plan, do your research, have some support lined up, get some information about everyone's rights and responsibilities.... in other words, minimise that risk and take control of your life.

Thanks for replying. I feel like giving him a kick up the arse. I want him to make an effort, work at our relationship. I think for the moment I will contact seek marriage guidance and if he wants to join me he can. Last thing I want to do is cause upset for the dc.

You cannot change someone else's attitude or behaviour, no matter how much you want to. All you can change is your own approach. If he doesn't think there is a problem you will not get him to find a resolution. If he thinks you will let things go because you don't want to cause upset he will exploit that.

My feeling is that he will only accept there is a problem when he is standing on a street corner with his belongings in a bin-bag. So be strong.

Just rang marriage guidance. £45 per session and only available one evening. No baby sitters and no way we can afford 45 quid

No way I could get him to leave. He couldn't survive financially and where we live it just wouldnt work. Feel so fucking trapped and helpless.

Have spoken to him today and he says he will do whatever it takes to make things right. Problem is I don't think he knows what to do to make it right and i doubt he has the determination either. It will take too much hard work on his behalf.

So capitalise on this new enthusiasm. Whatever you do, don't make out that you'd never ask him to leave because then he'll have no incentive to keep up the effort. Don't threaten him, but don't remove the ultimate sanction either.... make him see you're deadly serious. If he doesn't know what to do to make things better give him a list.

Thank you I appreciate the advice. I wasn't sure about making a list because one of my main issues with him is his lack of initiative and ability to do anything himself without cocking up. I feel like he is my eldest kid. The few things he is responsible for sometimes don't get done and he buggers off to work leaving me to pick up the shit. I suppose a list is better than current situation but it infuriates me that this is necessary. No one writes me a list, not sure I want to be his PA or that he deserves one. I want him to write a list of all the things he can do to make our marriage work. I want him to be genuinely sorry for all the times he has let me down. I have reached the point of being so full of hurt, disappointment and resentment that I can't see the way forward. I feel like he doesn't have it in him to be the man I need him to be and this makes me so sad.

In that case, put the onus on him to come up with a list of ways in which your marriage can be improved.

Without turning it into some kind of ultimatum or challenge for him to come up with things he alone can do, put the onus on him to list of ways in which your relationship can be improved.

Write out your own list and set a time and date when the pair of you can compare notes undisturbed.

put the onus on him to list of ways in which - I sure made a dog's bollocks of that... it should read 'put the onus on him to list ways in which' etc.