My family and the art of deception

[lolaflores]

In recent months I thought something of a fundamental change had happened with regard to my relationship with my family. Following many years of bullying, ignoring, abusing and all the rest (which apparently I have imagined), things had felt a little easier. There seemed to be a new way forward in regards to how they behaved. Chief amongst this was my younger sisters attitude and frequent statements from her to the effect that if my depression and unmanagable mood swings were getting to me, I could always ring her.
Which was refreshing to hear, seeing as they all to a man took a very dim view of my mental health roundabout. This went in cycles from "interventions" that left me suicidal to telling me I was being "bold" ie. naughty and attention seeking. Did i not see how it affected everyone and so on.

So, yesterday. Mothers day. I ring my mum to pop round with a card and all the rest. No one home. Everyone is at my sisters. Much as I had guessed. We put the card in anyway. later that evening, my mother calls. A tone in her voice of light hearted "Oh thanks for the card, was at DS's, should couldn't find her phone to call you".
Right.
I cannot believe that I cannot trust my family an inch. I feel appalling, horrific. there are no words. who the fuck are these people? They deceive me into believing they care....then this. So callous, so casual and all of them colluding.

So sorry to hear that. Sounds like total crap. Maybe you'd benefit from pulling back for a while? Sounds like they're not much support anyway.

I did withdraw but given all the nice sounds and gestures thought that we had all moved onto a fresh page. Oh dearie me.
Mother's day though?!
I have two girls. Eldest is at uni but my littlest is 5. My younger sister has two boys and it seems that not that much interest is taken in my DD2. we get left out of so much and it appears more and more delibarate. brazen. and yet i sit here blaming myself. that there was somethign I should have done. like made a phone call or whatever.

Hi I an sorry to hear how upset you are and I can understand how you must feel let down and left out of the family circle . Here is the but maybe your mental health has had a bigger impact on the rest of the family than you know or care to admit .This is not your fault. However they may simply no longer know or have the strength to deal with it. Maybe if you talked to them calmly and explain that being left out of family events truly hurts you then they might have a better understanding of your feelings.

if i had cancer would the same hold true?

In what way would it hold true if you had cancer . Do you mean would your family be allowed to be tired and maybe unsure how to be around you at times then trust me the answer to that is YES . People struggle with how to cope and include at times its human nature.

pinkpaws what on earth are you on about?

My family are reluctant to engage with me at any stage. They make understanding noises but erupt in rage when I am "unwell" and behave appallingly. So I don't win. IF this behaviour was due to me making excessive demands or being disruptive to their lives then perhaps. But I do none of those things. Certainly no one walks around me on egg shells. In fact, the opposite. If i feel fragile, they are the last people I seek out.
I feel excluded Because I am the weirdo. I don't see why my daughter has to suffer their exclusion too.

parsimg i am groping to understand the point pink is making, but feel that the circumstances I am in do not really come under the general statement she is trying to make. Which is, mental health is a hard thing for families.
That would possibly mean relatively normal families. I am rapidly becoming aware that mine are not, nor ever have been.
Bless her, she means well but has missed the point a little

lola, completely agree re pink.

And clearly you are aware about your family. So horrible though the reeling-in-slapping-back cycle is, you're now one step closer to the freedom of completely withdrawing.

I dont think your child should miss out nor do i think you should .I do think your liking a mental health issue to cancer is wrong . Do you invite your family round to you do contact your sister and make plans to spend time with them or do you wait to be invited to them

pink with all due respect. don;t go any further with your point. i only say this as you are not getting what I am saying. Pressing any further with the "its all my passive aggressive paranoia" is not really helping. I also get the feeling you do not really understand but are thrashing around in an attempt to.
And yes, the cancer analogy does work, if you think about it.

NO it dosnt and if you want me to be blunt your post screams victim . And i never said you where passive aggressive you ask for points of view what you really want is for people to agree with you and say its all your familys fault which may be true but if thats the case then you know that much and dont need to be told

it was mother's day. think about it. mother's day. daughter deliberately not invited.
Be blunt, but it doesn;t make you insightful or helpful. what I am trying to express is deep hurt. hurt laid upon hurt. your blaming tone leads me to think you may have your own shit up your own sleeve. do keep it there, don't bring it here to lash around with the lisping drip of helpfulness as a camoflauge.
blunt speak for do one!

by the by pink i don't really think you read my original post with due care and attention. if you did, you might have to rethink some of your posts.

Lay off, pink paws.

OP I think your Dee decision to distance is the best one for you, although I too would be extremely hurt and disapointed for DD.

Well, they say people who haven't experienced families like that just don't understand them. (And presumably people who are families like that, don't exactly like the view in the mirror, either.)

pink, unfortunately I have two members out of my family who behave like that. But not the whole mob. So I know where lola is coming from. And I also know it's not me, because it's only these two members.

But it's hard to remember that sometimes, even though I do have the others to compare to.

Dee

Lola, the only mistake you made was to trust them to do right by you again

It seems that trust was misplaced

Go back to detaching and don't engage with people who hurt you x

I did read it and what you take blaming tone is someone pointing out how others may or may not feel. As for me having my own shit quote unquote . I doubt there is a single person without . I feel sorry for your daughter if you feel she is missing out the support of a loving family but if you feel that they treat you and her so badly why do you care for there time or input into your lives

Pink, I don't think you understand how toxic families work

I am in my 40's and have to almost physically stop myself from feeling sorry for my father, who has done his best over the years to alienate everyone he has ever come into contact with

You have every right to feel sorry for your father if you feel he deserve it. But at what point if you feel you are badly treated by someone do you stop worrying about them and make a break . This is even more true if your child is involved

If it were so easy....

I never said it was easy . nor is looking at yourself and really being truthful . In order for someone to hurt you or upset you there is a trigger that you allow them to push. That is the victim bit and its more damaging that anything other people can do do to you.

Well this turned into a nice supportive thread where we've all learned something new.

lola, wishing you loads of strength for continuing to detach, and building a world for your own family away from these hurtful people.

Hi lolaflores

Many if not all victims of such toxic birth families also have the legacies of fear, obligation and guilt to contend with.

Unfortunately (and that is an understatement) emotionally dysfunctional and completely messed up birth family units like the one from whence you came do not change. There is a saying; empty vessels make the most noise.

They do not want you to relinquish their chosen role for you in life; the one of scapegoat for all their inherent ills because they've been made the golden children by your mother. That particular role is not without price either but they are too stupid to realise that.

How would you feel about the notions of either completely cutting them out of your life or at the very least having minimal contact?.