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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just accidentally puched my DH arm in frint of children in a row - so shocked

26 replies

drearydoldrum · 11/03/2013 14:15

One of several big arguments over something silly again today as per last two/three weeks (husband 'working from home' today). Culminated in him saying 'are you really that incompetent' (was around my ability to unblock the hoover) and I was so hurt and cross and had so much frustration in me I just stamped my hand down and happened to hit his arm!!!!!! DC1 and 2 - 2 and 8 months were there. Have apologised and said not matter what he said I would have never meant to do that. Have never done anything like that before and never would have meant to / thought I would. I am so shocked /ashamed at myself.

We're having a hard time waiting to hear about DH job (whether he has one) which is having knock on affect re us not being able to plan anything (we want to buy a house, really need a hol etc). We're in a lot together on house in day and what with busy times with baby and toddler all quite stressful and difficult and intense. I'm trying to be there for him and be strong but all the on hold stuff gets to me too. We've been in suspense unable to make plans for the last 3 months and everthing is on hold until then. The house thing is a particular issue as we're in a 3 bed rented and want to buy a 4 bed as children need to share at mo as DH needs an office at home which is proving challenging / adding more stress and we've been hoping to move for ages but not found anything etc etc and where we are has other issues which get to me too (another long story)

We don't normally fall out much at all and do love each other but horrible stuff has been said over last couple of weeks which is hard to forget and things seem to be spiralling our of control at the moment. He gets vicious and I cry and he gets annoyed that I'm getting emotional.

Just hope it blows over from today. Don't think (I hope) our relationship is at risk but just think all the stress is getting to both of us. I feel though as it's his job and career it is me that should beholding it together more.

The worse part is we have very little family support / external people to talk/rely on but we have a very much one off opportunity for a night away on Saturday. How said it will be if it will all be ruined by another string of argements. Sorry for the ramble. Don't know what I'm asking for reply wise. Just very hard times. Should be strong wife who keeps head down and gets on and failing...Must get back to DC's now show me show me ending.... what do I do from here

OP posts:
mumnosbest · 11/03/2013 14:22

doesnt sound like you punched him if his arm was just in the way. does he accept it was an accident?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/03/2013 14:44

Working from home brings its own stresses never mind what you're already coping with. Ordinarily in a time of crisis you'd automatically reach out to DH so when things are ropey at home and it's him you are butting heads with, you feel stuck. I know it is tough when you don't have outside support, someone to sound off with (hooray for Mumsnet!) or on a practical level, someone you trust enough to say, "Can you mind the children this evening while I spend time with H?"

Today's incident was an accident, you sound shocked by it and maybe a kind of wake up call. It probably feels like a step beyond mere words or verbal disagreement though of course it all makes for unpleasant tension which children do grow aware of.

Is it possible you can sense when something is about to kick off and use a mantra like " Let's have a bit of time out before we say something we regret"?

Sorry that sounds clumsy but I think there has to be one of you if not both ready to 'back down' if tempers rise.

Plan ahead for Saturday and in the meantime tell DH you are in this together, you are there for him but equally you need to feel you are a team. A bit of loving kindness on both sides will go a long way.

Original poster
drearydoldrum · 11/03/2013 19:44

Thanks. I do think the working from home thing is a massive issue. You re so visable to one another - i am a sahm at the mo. Also we don t get enough interaction with other people at the mo with him having no set work on (even though he is still employed) and although we are out at groups etc you re still in a lot. So often it been so intense and there has been no one to have to put a stiff upper lip on for if you see what i mean. I hate how we have been falling out. I know he thinks what have you got to worry about as has absolutely no idea how it effects all of us just see s it as his thing. Spent whole day since with hood up on his sweatshirt saying he feels ill but he has forgiven me despite accusing me of domestic violence at the time. We ve not really had an eye to eye talk since. Just talked to kids. He s watching tv now and Im going to have much needed bath soak to give us both a bit of air. As much as you can when you ve got little ones in bed and have no where to go on a cold winters evening. Otherwise at mo we just sit with tv on waiting to go to bed.

OP posts:
familygirl27 · 11/03/2013 20:27

Sounds like you both need a bit of space from each other. You could alternate the babysitting between you and make arrangements to go out in the evening, once the kids are in bed, that way you would both get some space. It doesn't have to cost money. Just going to see a friend can do wonders

Original poster
drearydoldrum · 11/03/2013 22:03

Yes. I think some space sometimes would be good. I never get sick of us being together but I guess it is healthy to get some external time. I don't know how people work at home together all the time and feel content!? I think the bottom line is DH is really down but would never admit to being so can be very short / nasty to me but doesn't see it himself so when I react back he thinks I am being inconsiderate / off. He just keeps saying how he's got all this on with work at the moment, why am I 'droaning on' about X.

Think it's harder as DC's been poorly so been in more all together.

I hope the arguing in front of DC's has been a blip as usually we don't fall out much. Just seems really dark times and I don't really have anyone to talk to about things usually only DH.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/03/2013 22:09

Come back on here if you need to sound off. When you think about it, when you meet it's all romance and later there's DCs and the mundane and when you get money worries on top - it all adds up. Once you get into "competitive tiredness" it's a vicious circle. It's rl but you do need a break.

It doesn't have to cost much - fresh air, fitness, out with mates or round their house. Keeps you sane.

Original poster
drearydoldrum · 11/03/2013 22:14

Thanks. Really well said.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 11/03/2013 22:17

"He gets vicious and I cry and he gets annoyed that I'm getting emotional."

Does he now.

How does he get vicious then?

ClippedPhoenix · 11/03/2013 22:19

"Should be strong wife who keeps head down and gets on"

Really?

ClippedPhoenix · 11/03/2013 22:22

I suppose you should get used to him being down and cross and angry and in your space, I suppose you should stay strong and not cry, I suppose you should be a good wife even when you are apparently incompetent.

Really?

AnyFucker · 12/03/2013 11:33

You shouldn't do any of those things, OP

Now a line has been crossed it is clear your relationship is untenable, and damaging for your children

time to end it, while there is still a chance it can remain reasonably amicable (for the dc's sake)

familygirl27 · 12/03/2013 14:16

OP, sometimes life is hard as I am sure you know but as husband and wife you should support each other the best you can. Space is good but you also need to talk and communicate with each other but not while the kids are about. Talking in the evening when the kids are in bed will help you to understand each other a little more. Communicate and share with each other what bothers you. Arguing infront of the kids is not good and can only escalate. This needs to be nipped in the bud now!! The kids don't need to feel your stress or your husbands stress. In regards to you hitting him, I hope this was an accident and not you testing to see what the boundaries are? I'm sorry OP if I seem harsh but I'm only offering my advice from someone who has been there. It can be easy to cross boundaries but just remember its the start of a long road down the wrong way and once you go down that path it is usually the start of the end as it is very hard to bring it back to a respectful marriage on both parts.

familygirl27 · 12/03/2013 14:19

And if you need some advice or a chat you are welcome to PM me.

CleopatrasAsp · 12/03/2013 14:51

OP, I don't think this is about working from home. It's possible to work from home and be very happy - my DH and I do and are. However, I think if your relationship is rocky to begin with then working from home might exacerbate that due to you never getting any space from one another. It shouldn't be putting such a strain on your relationship that you get into scuffles and verbal fights with one another though. I think you need to have a think about what the real causes are of all this. I am rather worried by this sentence: 'He gets vicious and I cry and he gets annoyed that I'm getting emotional.' This is not on. You are not to blame for his employment woes and should not be used as an emotional punchbag. You deserve better.

beatofthedrum · 12/03/2013 14:53

I think it sounds like you are going through a stressful, miserable time but I certainly don't see that your relationship is ending, unless you both choose to. You can see you need to make changes. Use the night away to have a big talk and try to make positive plans to make time to do pleasant simple outdoor things together. Try to do something with your evenings, we went through a while of just sitting about once the kids were in bed and it's not good for anyone. If you gestured in anger/frustration that is not a punch, you must know the difference. Sounds like you are unhappy and need to give yourself a break.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/03/2013 14:57

I thought the stress of redundancy not working from home is the problem unless exacerbated by drinking or something else, apologies if I misread.

Original poster
drearydoldrum · 12/03/2013 16:21

I don t see this as a relationship ender. Just very hard times and time to re evaluate current routines. I do feel the punch was a total accident. It shocked me so much as i saw the shock on dh face. Working from home is not the problem just makes things so intense at mo while there are these issues as so little other external contact. The vicious comment has been taken slightly wrong. I meant verbally. I def know arguing Jo front of kids bad hence why i felt need to post as got out of hand. Think basically i was trying not to swear so pulled my hand out to vent my frustration! Dh has been working from home a few days a week for years. It s just been hard with current issues and little ones in house. Don t want to ask himevery time he comes down for a cuppa if he s heard anything and stress him out more!

OP posts:
Original poster
drearydoldrum · 12/03/2013 16:23

ps. Stress is very much re red which is having knock on re moving etc and when tired out with little ones = added stress. No drinking/ other major issues

OP posts:
beatofthedrum · 12/03/2013 16:31

Poor old you. Just sounds like a rough time. It will pass - try to make time to do nice things, either together or apart, and hang on in there. The pressure sounds immense - we had a time where we were both desp searching for jobs at same time and the feelings of inner panic and horrendous worry have to manifest themselves in some way. Your kids are small and while I bet they're keeping you going and perfect, they are also draining in terms of energy and time...i don't mean that in a negative way as obv you'd want to expend your energy and time on them!! But they won't give you much time for down-time. Just plod through this and try to plan in positive things each day.

Original poster
drearydoldrum · 12/03/2013 16:32

pps. beat of drum. What sort of stuff did you do in evenings? Hobby type things?

OP posts:
wannaBe · 12/03/2013 16:37

if you were posting that your dh had "accidentally" punched you the responses on here would be vastly different, with the overwhelming message being for you to leave, now.

AF is right - your relationship has crossed a line into violence with you as the perpitrator (my words not her's). Your dh would have every right to leave now and file for divorce on the basis of domestic abuse - how does that make you feel?

Time to end it IMO.

beatofthedrum · 12/03/2013 17:02

Not really amazing things, just making the evenings more enjoyable/productive. Play music and chat about old times (def our best way to reconnect when we're in a grumpy phase), get into a favourite DVD series which we watch together, take turns cooking nice meals and chat while we cook, play games (general knowledge etc), make each other go out and exercise (makes such a difference) or encourage each other to join something social in the evenings. All totally obvious, don't mean I am providing enlightening ideas :), but it can be easy to get stuck in a rut. Everything in life is up and down, and I think you can channel the ups if you keep the longer view (obv not including health etc, just mean in your own relationships).

AnyFucker · 12/03/2013 18:12

I agree with your words, wannabe, and the reasons why what has happened signifies the death of a relationship

rationalising away violence is never the right thing to do

I could sympathise to a certain extent that this man could very well be winding OP up to cause her to lash out in frustration. But what would we say to a man who "lashed out in frustration" ?

we would call him a domestic abuser

what mitigates this slightly (for me, personally at least) is that a smaller woman will not do as much physical damage as a bigger man

but the fact remains that children are seeing this unacceptable dynamic and that is considered abuse of them these days

SundaysGirl · 12/03/2013 18:17

This sort of violence is not acceptable no matter who is doing it, man or woman.

You need an actual physical break away from each other. And count your lucky stars you are a woman, you;d have been crucified here if you were a man. Can't believe so many people are saying it's ok, I'm betting none of them would if you were a man.

It's not ok. You need a break at the least.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/03/2013 19:52

I am not trying to whitewash physical intimidation or aggression. Both parties were upset, the incident sounded like a genuine accident. The OP sounded remorseful. Any repeat or escalation by either partner would be a different story.