I think my marriage is falling apart

[feelingabitlost]

So i've been lurking for a while, but now I've decided to post for the first time. My problems seem a little insignificant when I read about other peoples problems, but I would really appreciate some advice.

A bit of background - my boyfriend and I met while working overseas, we had had been together about a year when I fell pregnant (accidentally, but totally accept that we should have been more careful!) We decided to have the baby and make a go of it together. Because of where we work and visa restrictions, we basically had to get married so I could stay in the country to have the baby and live with my now DH. (very romantic!) Fast forward a year or so - we now have a gorgeous baby boy who we both adore but our relationship is suffering really badly, and I don't know what I can do to save it.

Last night, after months of us treading on eggshells, both of us grumpy and snapping at each other over truly ridiculous things. I tell him i've had enough of living like we're housemates that don't get along rather than as a family. He responds by telling me that he is miserable and hates being at home. While he plays with our son, he wishes he was somewhere else. He loves me but doesn't want to spend time with me, he wants to run away and not look back. He looked up the signs for depression and he thinks that he has a problem.

What do I do now? I feel guilty that I have trapped him into this situation, that by being an idiot and getting pregnant I have forced him into a life he hates. Should I just leave? Should I try and help him? I don't know what to do. I am so far away from family and friends, the time difference is huge and awkward so talking to people back home is nearly impossible. I just feel so alone.

First off all it's VERY normal to feel unhappy after having a baby.
The first year is the hardest of all.
There are so many worries and lack of sleep.

But as long as 2 people are willing to make it work, it definitely can work.

Here are some of the mistakes that are mostly made:

When being married, people often forget that you got to keep on working on the relationship. Spend some quality time together. Maybe once a week do something special. Something fun that you both like to do.

Be yourself!
You is the person he fell in love with. Now you've become his wife and a mother. But where has 'you' gone?
Are there things you used to do and you don't do that anymore?
Or do something every week on your own. Something that you just love to do.

The same goes for your husband. He might love to have some more time for himself.

Take care,
Sylvia

Why do you feel that it was you who trapped him? Contraception involves both people.

Are you somewhere where there is a British expat community? Because even Mumsnet extends that far . . . (ie the people who respond to you at this time of the UK night)

Having a baby places an enormous strain on a relationship. Being overseas also places a huge strain on a relationship, mainly because of a lack of other support, plus the isolation, plus one party having too much work and the other party having none (and all the self-esteem issues that come with that).

You haven't trapped him - it took both of you to make a baby and both of you decided to continue with the pregnancy - that's certainly not entrapment.

As others have said the first year after having a baby, especially a first born, can be very stressful and alien to you both. Also agree that being away from family and some kind of support network is bound to have an effect too.
Are you friends with anyone who could babysit for a few hours to give you both a break and spend time together - maybe go out for a meal.
What do you both do outside of the 'family' any hobbies?

You can only do so much and shouldn't rest the blame for this on your own shoulders - he's very much responsible for his feelings and depression - he should have said something earlier rather than let it eat at him and therefore increase the resentment and negative feelings.

If he believes he's depressed then a trip to the GP is in order as well as any counselling that's recommended so he can have a clear enough head to make informed decisions with you about your relationship.

I don't think its very fair that he's vomited all of this information at your feet - but it is recoverable if you BOTH want it to be.
You're not completely alone, there's a lot of support available here, keep posting.
Good luck and I'm sure you'll get a lot more replies when the UK/Europe side of mumsnet opens it's eyes.

i am so sorry you feel alone. cant offer much advice but just want to say thank you for posting and i hope things get better x
also, despite the time difference, try and call a good friend from home if you can. a good chat really helps me when i feel down.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.
Even though I know logically that I shouldn't feel guilty, or that I haven't trapped him. We made the decision together, in fact he was more positive about the decision then I was at the time!

If i'm honest, I don't know who I am anymore, I have no friends here. I started working part time in the hope that I would meet some people and start making my own life here, but it is so hard. I used to be a really confident person and now I think my self-esteem has hit rock bottom. I put on 20kg whilst pregnant and haven't lost any of it since. I'm sure this is part of the reason my DH is pulling away from me. If I don't find myself attractive I don't know how he could.

There is (apparently) a big expat community here, but I haven't found it. It is a massive city, but most of the expats live in a particular area which is a good half an hour taxi ride away.

You've given me some sound advice, I'm going to make the effort to have some fun, maybe find a hobby. I'm going to try and give him some space to do his own thing, I thinking going straight from dating a few nights a week to actually living together has been a huge learning curve for us both.

DonDon33 - I felt so upset last night when he dumped it all on me, and today I kind of feel pissed off! I do think that it is better that it is out in the open now, hopefully this will be the trigger for sorting things out.

I've done some research today about marriage counseling, (and whether it is covered on health insurance!) and looks like we could go see someone. Not sure how best to approach it with DH though, he's not someone who will accept help easily.

Thank you WafflingWarrior, I took your advice and rang a good friend today, and you were right it really helped.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply!

so glad you are feeling more positive. i hope the chat with him about counselling goes well, and either way that you feel strong enough to make some of the changes for yourself that you mention above.
try not to worry about loosing the baby weight-it WILL go in the end x